Fanfic:To Say I'm Sorry
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Ubriel had been put through a rigorous day. Her training spar that morning had been the accustomed brutal lesson leaving her wincing as she headed off to the wood cutting yards. That stretching of her muscles was probably the only thing that kept those bruises from stiffening her whole body as she sat through her morning classes and working in the library. When she headed back out to the warder yards for training spars with her friends, she was glad for the opportunity to limber up and stretch again.
The rest of the day was much the same with classes and chores that alternated her hours of movement with sitting still. Peach was becoming accustomed to the obstacle course where they trained, and Ubriel approached the head of the stables about changing it or adding some new areas while she was working there. The woman liked her and she agreed to look into it. As Ubriel headed out of the stables in the darkening dusk, a young Drin'far'ji trotted up to her and held out a letter sealed with a colorless lump of beeswax. Her heart seemed to jump up into her throat and freeze there. The neat blocky hand, so much like her own, was her mother's. She must have received the letter Ubriel had sent after she was raised to Ji'dar.
She realized she wasn't walking and began to move again. She tucked the letter into her uniform's tunic top and walked swiftly toward the warder's hall. She went to her room and deposited the letter under her pillow and changed into a bathing robe. Too short a time later, she sighed sitting up straighter in a hot and steamy bath, telling herself it was time to get out. Her muscles had relaxed somewhat and her skin felt like it had soaked up as much moisture as it was going to. There was no avoiding it. Not any longer.
Once back in her room and dressed neatly in a thin linen shift, she sat on the edge of her bed and pulled out the letter. She stared at it between her hands for a long time. It felt thick and knobby. She pinched at the folded paper still sealed shut. Her brow furrowed feeling something she could not identify as it moved away from her pinching fingers. She turned it over and positioned her fingers as if to break the seal. She didn't. She turned it back over and gently touched her name written there.
She stood and walked to her desk, placing the letter on the desktop and picking up a book, she went back to her bed. This book detailed the known military history of Toman Head. She read the same paragraph describing some naval invasion or other three times before admitting that she was not paying attention to it. Returning the book, she looked at the letter and left it lying there. She picked up her diary and her charcoal pencil, returning to her bed, she opened the diary and began to write. Several minutes later, she realized she had stopped writing and had been staring at the page. Reading what she had managed to put there, it said, "I received a letter from my mother today."
That was it really. There was nothing else to report and would not be until she finally opened that missive. She tsked at herself and walked to the desk again. Snatching up the letter in both hands, she broke the seal. Unfolding the pages, another small letter fell out. The seal on it was what she had felt earlier. She picked it up and began to read what her mother had written.
Ubriel,I am glad to hear that you are safe and well. I would not have guessed that you would be in the Grey Tower. I hope that you have found a life that you are enjoying. There is no need for you to come back here. I no longer live at the farm. I have rented it out to a young farmer and his wife. The rent they pay me and the small things I do to help the midwife keep me comfortable.
Your father died soon after you left us. There was an accident and he was injured. We thought he was going to recover until the wound festered and he became very ill. He was fevered and often spoke as if he were reliving the past. The morning that he died, he wrote a letter to you. I do not know what it says or if it is only the ramblings of a sick man. It was one of the last things he wanted in this life, so I have sent it on.
My dear girl. I beg you to forgive us. We failed you in the end. I hope that you will not let our mistakes and shortcomings destroy your spirit. I am so very proud of you. I always was. I pray that the Light shines on your future.
Your mother, Charin Bryne
Ubriel found herself sitting on the floor. Everything was blurry and someone was sobbing. She was sobbing. She pressed both hands to her tear-filled eyes and let her sobs roll through her. There was nothing else she could do. Her father was dead. She would never be able to earn his love. She would never be able to prove she was a worthy child. He was gone and had taken all of those chances with him.
She was surrounded by a misty nothing. She could not see or feel the ground. She could not see her own hand before her face. Her father's voice echoed through the mist. "All I wanted was someone to help me on that farm. Maybe I would still be alive to dandle my grandchildren if you had just caught the eye of one of the village boys." The voice faded away. The mist faded away. She was surrounded by darkness, staring up at at stars that seemed to swim through the sky. One of those stars seemed to grow, then it seemed to be falling toward her. It was moving so quickly.
Ubriel tried to move out of it's way but she couldn't feel her feet, much less move them. She tried to scream as the star crashed down around her. She was standing in her parent's bedroom. Her mother was kneeling beside the bed weeping. Her father was lying there, sickly and weak. Ubriel walked forward, sitting on the bedside. "Da? I'm so sorry I left you."
The man in the bed began to speak. "Do you remember the first time we went fishing? His recollection made him smile and laugh very softly.
Her mother's head jerked up. "You are not supposed to be here. Get out! Leave! You can't be here!" Her mother was suddenly swinging a large stick of firewood at her face. Ubriel screamed and turned to run. Ubriel felt the world fall from beneath her feet.
Startled awake, Ubriel found the letter pressed to her cheek, stuck there with her tears. She was on the floor. "I must have cried myself to sleep." She recalled the dream. Her heart felt heavy and ached with guilt. She picked up her father's letter, still unopened. She thought about her dream. He had been smiling to remember her. It was her mother who had chased her away in her dream. Ubriel snapped the seal on her father's letter and opened it.
There were only six words. All written in the shaky but recognizable hand of her father. Ubriel read them four times before folding the letters back together and tucking them into a drawer of her desk. Blowing out her lamp, she crawled into the bed and pulled up the covers. As the bells rang Dark, she prayed that the Light give her father's spirit peace and rest. His letter had read. "I'm sorry, too. I love you."
