Fanfic:To Be Tested (White Tower Arches)

From Grey Tower Library
Jump to: navigation, search
To Be Tested (White Tower Arches)
Author(s)
  • Jenn
Character(s)
Harp-icon.png This is a piece of fanfiction.
Only the original author(s) or Librarian(s) should make content changes to this page.




Admin Note: Kaia was transferred from another site. The events preceding and proceeding this raising test do not necessarily reflect Grey Tower reality, but are being archived as-written to honor the effort Jenn put into it.


To Be Tested (Kaia!)

Candance Melhir

Candance Melhir, Aes Sedai of the Gray Ajah, and Mistress of Novices, moved through the gardens of the White Tower, reveling in the beautiful day that the Creator had blessed Tar Valon with. The sky, a blue so brilliant that it could only follow a night of fierce rain and thunderstorms, was bare apart from the occasional cloud, and a small gust of wind moved through the gardens playfully, providing relief from any intense heat. The sun was well on it's way to its zenith, and would probably reach it in an hour or so, meaning that soon the first seating of lunch in the novice dining hall would commence.

Candance was still amazed that they needed more than one seating of the meals now; Light, how the White Tower had swollen and grown! Males now walked the halls, and females of most ages were accepted into the novice whites, which meant that novice numbers were growing to the levels they had once been years before; they were beginning to reach the capacity that the White Tower had been built to house. Nearly every week Candance had to send servants to open up a new novice room and air it and clean out the dust and the sheets, getting it ready for the next round of initiates. It thrilled Candance every time she was able to write a new name down in the novice book, for it meant that the White Tower was continuing to grow in strength.

The Gray Sister was a woman who held fierce loyalty to the White Tower above anything else, and to see it blossoming and booming pleased her greatly. And to see the novices – her novices, she sometimes thought of as – working so well in their training and excelling in their studies also pleased her.

A day like today, a special day for the whole White Tower, also pleased her, although the pleasure came mixed with tinges of worry. Despite her firm mind and sound decision-making process, every time she called one of the novices to undergo the test for Acceptance, Candance worried that she may have made the wrong decision. It was a decision that ultimately was up to her, which mean she accepted responsibility if the child in question failed and the arch fell silent. There were greater numbers of novices passing on to Accepted, but there were still greater numbers on whom the arch was allowed to fall silent, and they never came back.

"Kaia Ariasca, it is time," she said firmly, spying her latest choice sweeping at the paths in the Winter Garden, her voice loud for all around to hear. "You must ask no questions, and follow without delay."

Kaia looked up at Candance in shock and dropped the broom she had been holding, her mouth twisting open in surprise.. The girl took a moment to take a breath and steel herself before nodding curtly, a determined expression on her face that Candance recognised, and moved to follow the Mistress of Novices, the broom lying forgotten on the pathway Kaia had been sweeping. The Aes Sedai turned on her heel and began to lead Kaia through the gardens, ignoring the novices that watched Kaia with interest. A novice being led by the Mistress of Novices wearing her gray-fringed shawl could really only mean one thing, and they all looked at the girl, some with envy, some with pity and some with blank, unreadable expressions an Aes Sedai would be proud of.

Candance took them back into the White Tower through a little-used door and immediately they began to descend down ramps and stairs into the depths of the White Tower, right to its belly. As they walked deeper into the Tower, the corridors grew deserted and windows grew scarce, meaning the walls were soon adorned with sputtering torches. Now only Candance's footsteps, along with those of the novice behind her, could be heard, quiet amongst the oppressive stillness of the White Tower. The end of the corridor drew near, towering doors carved with the Great Serpent standing before them; Candance glanced back to Kaia for a long moment, then pushed gently on the Serpent's eye with a thread of saidar. The giant doors swung open easily and without a sound, and the chamber within was revealed.

Aes Sedai, each in the shawls that marked their rank and Ajah, sat in a circle around the silver ter'angreal. To one side stood Melina, her seven-striped stole casually draped across her slim shoulders. She watched Candance and the novice dispassionately as they both moved deeper into the chamber, and silence grew stronger.

"Two things I will now tell you that no woman hears until she reaches this room." Candance's voice broke the silence as she turned to face the girl behind her. "The first is this. Once you begin, you must see this through to the end, no matter how hard it becomes. If you refuse at any point, I will be forced to see you from the Tower, with enough silver to last you a year, and you will never be allowed to return.

"Second, to seek, to strive, is to know danger. Some women have entered the arches, and were never seen again. We don't know why, or what happened to them, but when the ter'angreal was allowed to grow quiet, they simply were not there. And they never returned. If you would survive, you must be steadfast. Falter, fail, and..." she trailed away, thinking of those that she had lost.

"This is your last chance to refuse, child. There is no honor lost in trying another day if you do not feel ready."

Kaia did not seem to hesitate.

"I am ready, Aes Sedai," she said.

"Whom do you bring with you, Sister?" A short, squat Green sister strode over to face Candance and the Novice, peering down her beaked nose at the shorter women.

"One who comes as a candidate for Acceptance, Sister," Candance replied, the words falling easily into her mind.

"Is she ready?"

"She is ready to leave behind what she was, and, passing through her fears, gain Acceptance."

"Does she know her fears?"

"She has never faced them, but now is willing."

"Then let her face her fears."

Kaia, acting on the unspoken command, pulled off her Novice dress and folded it neatly before placing it on the ground. Candance took the girl's arm as gently as she could, and led her towards the glowing ter'angreal.

"The first time," she said softly, "is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast."

For What Was – A Coward's Reproach

Novice Kaia Ariasca

"Chalinda!"

The way back will come but once.

"Kaia!"

Be steadfast.

"Get up!"

There was nothing out of place about the disembodied voices that flashed through her mind, stray thoughts lost amongst a hundred other incoherent fragments as Kaia was hauled unceremoniously to her feet. Long, curling lashes fluttered as she blinked, her body objecting vehemently to being so suddenly removed from the warm cocoon of blankets that had taken what felt like hours to get ‘just right'. Clad as she was in nothing but a thin shift, coppery skin pebbled in response to the cooler air as she struggled to push her mind clear from the heavy veil of sleep. She was being pulled back, step by uncertain step... Light, why? The petite woman wobbled unsteadily on her feet as her foot caught against the bottom of the bed roll, her weight pitching backwards only to be stopped by the solid towering mass of wiry muscle that was Nan.

"Nan, wh –" Raven eyebrows shot up as a callused, rough hand clapped over her mouth, Kaia's question ending in a garbled yelp of indignation. Bloody ashes! What in the flaming abyss was that for?! Her expression conveyed her meaning eloquently enough even if she couldn't as she glared up and over her shoulder at her grandmother.

A second callused, rough hand dug into her shoulder as the petite Domani was turned non-too-gently to face the implacable green eyes of the born-and-raised Borderlander woman, eyes they shared only in colour. Kaia felt her face go slack as she was hard pressed not to simply wilt beneath that warning look, her lips puckering behind her grandmother's palm. Ariasca matriarch and favoured grandchild stared at one another, Kaia fidgeting uncomfortably. One set of eyes sparkled even in the dim light of the tent, the emerald green made all the more brilliant by the warm hue of coppery skin. The other pair – almond shaped and framed by silver-blonde – simply shone and cut like steel. A finger was lifted in reprimand and Kaia nodded quickly, the last vestiges of sleep vanishing as the hand was removed from her mouth.

"Quiet, chalinda, you must be quiet!" The voice was familiar as it breathed the words into the delicate shell of her ear, but the quaver in it was not. Her sense of reality wavered as she swallowed; if Nan was afraid, what... what...? Her mind hiccuped as she lacked the experience to finish the thought.

Unnerved, Kaia's toes curled unconsciously against the rugs that covered the cold ground, her feet digging deeper into the knotted woolen cords in the attempt to find greater purchase. Her mouth opened slightly as she struggled to make sense of what was happening. Keeping her voice at a whisper, her hand groped blindly for her grandmother's free one. "Nan, what's going on?"

The Kandori matriarch hissed in warning as shadowy shapes darted past the closed tent flap, dark silhouettes standing out in stark relief from the light of the banked fires outside. Fingers bit down into the tender groove of muscle just above her collarbone. The warm, familiar hand was snatched away. Kaia was bodily dragged back until the curve of her backside brushed against the far canvas wall, the younger woman positioned as far away from the tent opening as she could be. The fingers were still painfully clenched around her shoulder. Sparing a tight-lipped smile – one that held no warmth whatsoever – Nan spoke calmly. Far too bloody calmly.

"We are being attacked, chalinda."

Kaia visibly blanched, her heart lodging somewhere between her mouth and her throat. "By...?" she asked even though she already knew the answer. A dull roaring that she belatedly realized was the sound of the blood draining from her face, filled her ears.

"Yes." The confirmation was matter-of-fact, no-nonsense, without embellishments or hysterics. The solidity of Nan's answer helped keep the fear from bubbling over and out of control. Barely. "Stay." One word, demanding in its simplicity. Kaia felt her feet plant in place as years of obeying that voice asserted itself. Abruptly, she was released, the steely green eyes of her grandmother going to the tent flap at regular intervals as the Kandori matriarch crouched down low and began rifling through drawers and clothes in a nearby corner. "And be silent!" That was hissed out and the shivering girl's mouth immediately snapped shut.

It was then, that the first scream split the air, the sound shattering against her ears. She jumped, she couldn't help it. A second cry, then a third lifted to join the lingering chorus of the first. "Is that..." she couldn't make herself finish, her stomach giving a slow, nauseating lurch.

Without looking up, Nan nodded silently, her motions growing more and more frantic. Clothes and other assorted items began flying across the small, enclosed space.

Kaia mentally named off each discarded item, her mind frantically reaching for anything to keep focused on so she could pretend that she didn't hear the screaming that rose in both volume and pitch. Anything... to keep from thinking about what was being possibly done to her mother and her younger sister. Her body started forward without her consent, her feet silent against the woolen rugs. Where was her father, her brothers? A hesitant step forward. Where were the guards? A second step. She couldn't stay here, hiding... she had to do something! Another step and the raven-haired youth flinched involuntarily as a fresh round of screaming began. How could Nan expect her to stay? Yet another step. How could Nan do nothing?

She was almost at the tent flap now. A push from an outstretched hand, a twitch of leg muscles and she would be outside. But Kaia hesitated, uncertain on the threshold wasting precious seconds. She had never blatantly disobeyed her grandmother before. Indecision wracked her and a feeling she was not familiar with settled in the pit of her stomach, glacial and swollen.

In the end, the Pattern made the choice for her.

Kaia found herself recoiling backwards, too surprised to do anything other than stare. Framed perfectly by the banked fires and the tent opening, stood a youth roughly the same age as her, a smattering of stubble lining his chin. He would have been handsome were it not for the dirt, grime, and blood smeared across his face. The petite Domani saw the gleam in his eyes as his gaze traveled down the length of her scantily clad body. Terror stole the breath from her lungs and she could only back pedal as rapidly as her balance would allow.

His intrusive eyes widened as she felt a sharp pain in her side, a flying elbow shoving her out of the way. A vaguely human shape barreled past her. Eerily silent, without a sign of doubt or remorse, Nan took full advantage of the boy's surprise. With the same finely wrinkled hands that had soothed away the hurts of Kaia's childhood, her grandmother plunged a nondescript dagger into his neck.

Two sets of flawless emerald orbs watched – one dispassionate, one horrified – as the bandit youth toppled over, his life's blood staining the tough woolen fibers of the rugs. Kaia scuttled backwards to keep the glistening red pool from touching her toes. With motions that bespoke of a familiarity borne of practice, Nan wrenched the dagger free. Kaia closed her eyes against the sickening squelch. She was brought back to her senses by a resounding cuff to the back of her head. The force of it jerked her a step forwards, Kaia letting out a whimper of pure dismay as her foot landed squarely in the blood pool.

"Light's sake chalinda, I didn't raise you to wet yourself at the first sign of trouble." The formidable Kandori woman snapped, hauling Kaia back by the elbow to her previous place by the far canvas wall.

That on the floor qualified as good a reason as any for self-wetting. The rapidly cooling warmth oozing between her toes also qualified. But Kaia did not voice her hysterical thoughts, not entirely sure that she wouldn't start shrieking if her mouth were to open.

In a daze, she watched Nan slice inelegantly through the side of the tent, the small dagger blade snagging several times against the thick material. The boy bandit's blood coloured the ragged opening, Kaia trying not to think of what the red was as it brushed over her face and arms, the iron-willed matriarch shoving her through. There were yells of surprise behind Nan but her grandmother's tall frame blocked the view of the tent flap. The petite Domani was vaguely aware that the ground was icy beneath her feet. The screaming had stopped.

"Run."

Raven brows drew together, Kaia unable to comprehend the order.

"Run." Urgently this time. The way back will come but once. "Run!" Be steadfast.

Emerald orbs widened as her skin prickled, her gaze registering Nan's back as the older woman turned to face her attackers without fear or hesitation. From the corner of her eyes, rising several paces away, rose the silver shimmer of an archway. The strange paralysis that had gripped her evaporated. The sound that erupted from her was more akin to roar than shriek, rage so bright her skin should have been incandescent flooding into her body. Kaia half-turned, caught between Nan and the arch.

"This wasn't how it happened!" she yelled at the silver illumination in the futile attempt to reason with it. "They didn't die!"

"Chalinda..." but Nan hadn't the breath for more words as the body crumpled out into the open night.

A second, ragged cry tore from her throat as Kaia spun around, throwing herself into motion. The tent collapsed behind her like a shroud, the bandits dislodging the sturdy lines that kept the poles erect in their haste. Run! This was not how it had happened! She had saved them! She had channeled to keep her family hidden! Anesune... Anesune-bloody-Sedai was supposed to have found her. Her thoughts pounded against her skull as her feet thudded against the ground.

She was less than an arm's length away from the silver arch when a thin reed of a voice crying her name brought her skidding in the attempt to turn, heedless of the pursuers behind her. Pain burned at the soles of her feet. For a timeless suspended moment, green eyes met warm brown across the fires that illuminated still, unmoving bodies, broken and discarded like the remnants of her family's shattered life.

This isn't how it happened! Memory and Tower be damned, she had to save her sister! "Kavi!"

But it was too late. She overbalanced, the abrupt shift in momentum sending her sideways instead. Kaia fell through white light, her sense of perception skewed as she landed heavily, the back of her head smacking painfully against hard tile. Multi-coloured spots danced in front of vision as she blinked sluggishly up at the tilted green eyes that hovered above her. Candance Sedai checked her over surreptitiously, a sensation much like being plunged headfirst into chilly water causing her to cry out. Kaia's vision cleared slowly in wake of the Healing, the bottoms of her feet tingling as the glow of saidar winked out from around the Mistress of Novices.

Labouriously, she made herself sit, then stand, refusing the help offered in the form of a steady arm. The petite Domani could not explain the sensation that made her stomach clench, but it made her skin crawl. Her chest felt tight and she was finding it difficult to breathe. Kavi... she had left Kavi behind... But that wasn't how it happened, a soft voice insisted, Kavi's safe. Married, in Tar Valon. Nan's in Tar Valon. Everyone is. Still. Why did it feel so wrong that she was here and not back in her family's camp? Why did she feel as if she was being crushed beneath the memory of terrified brown eyes? And why did the mere thought of her baby sister bring about an intensity of hate that rivaled that of her love?

The voice had no answers.

The gold chalice tilted above her. Water cascaded over her head, a shallow intake of breath at the frigid rivulets that ran down her skin the only indication that Kaia acknowledged what was happening. Her pulse still raced, the rapid palpitations of her heart visible in the way it hissed against the skin of her neck and wrists. She kept her jaw clamped shut, her teeth grinding together. She didn't trust herself not to scream at the serene Aes Sedai that watched her with expressionless faces, lashing out in a weak outlet for her impotent, helpless rage.

"You are washed clean of what sin you may have done and of those done against you. You are washed clean of what crime you may have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul."

As the unfamiliar Aes Sedai finished intoning the ritual, the young woman found that she couldn't bring herself to meet Candance Sedai's eyes. The petite Domani said nothing, the private shame that she had not been steadfast laying heavy across her tongue. Slender hands balled into small fists. As the Mistress of Novices guided Kaia to the second arch, bloody, dirt-flecked footprints trailed in her wake.

For What Is – The Sweetest Lie

Novice Kaia Ariasca

"The second time is for what is. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast."

As their gazes met across the street that separated them, she could not deny the unmistakable thrill of delight that surged to life inside her. The joy that came from simply being near him fluttered like a swarm of excited butterflies in her stomach, the smile that she could not let cross her lips sparkling at him through her eyes instead. The slightest dip of his head came as he acknowledged her greeting for what it was before slouching back against the wall behind him.

He looked out of place here, in the wealthier section of Ebou Dar but as a hand ran through close-cropped black hair, Jaryd Kosari merely grinned that infuriatingly cocky grin of his, white teeth flashing in response to the looks of wary disdain. Kaia wanted to laugh, but she quickly smothered it. Light, they were running on thin ice as it was, but she could not stop seeing him nor he, her. Their abstinence had lasted only as long as she had been absent from the city. As soon as her mother's trade had focused back on to the the needs of her Ebou Dari clientele, Kaia found herself drawing up compelling reasons – good or otherwise – to return as well. The journey had been almost unbearable, the young woman nearly beside herself at each minor delay. In the end, it had all been worthwhile; Jaryd had found her within an hour of her arrival.

Light, but this was heading towards disaster, one that she couldn't seem to stop. No... that wasn't true. She didn't want to stop. Kaia wanted... everything... when he was near, even though she knew she shouldn't. She was engaged and soon to be married, but she lacked the strength to keep the dark-eyed man away. That thought was almost enough to make her cringe in shame, but the more time she spent with Jaryd the easier it became to ignore the pangs of guilt. It bothered the athletic man as well; coveting what could not be his went against his personal code of honour, but time and time again they came together, helplessly drawn to one another.

Kaia forced herself to look away from the Altaran street fighter, the petite Domani fixing a smile to her face for the benefit of outward appearances as she turned green eyes to the man who had earned the approval of both mother and grandmother. Tall, fair, with the absurd forked beard traditional to Kandori men – though it had been pointed out that it was no more ridiculous than the velvet beauty marks worn by her fellow countrymen – Mykah was kind with a true head for numbers, an instant point in his favour as far as Kaia's mother was concerned. Nan had taken even less convincing, their shared Borderland heritage making Mykah an already ideal candidate. Unlike Jaryd. Light, Nan would send her packing to the World's End if she knew... but burn her to ash, Mykah just lacked the... life ... that Jaryd exuded. The expressive black eyes that couldn't hide their owner's feelings from her... the way he made her laugh... they were things that she just did not share with Mykah. A flash of despair flickered across her eyes. And now that she had tasted such sweetness with Jaryd, she could not get enough. She could not go without.

"He's following us again."

Kaia blinked, Mykah's voice snapping her attention to the present. "Who?" She feigned ignorance, but she knew exactly who her betrothed was referring to. She could feel smoldering dark eyes against her back, lingering like one of their many stolen caresses.

"The one who saved you... that street gang leader?" There was no jealousy in the tall man's tone. Really, she often wondered if Mykah simply lacked negativity. Which only made what she was doing worse.

Pretty lips pursed as she put on a convincing display of being lost in thought even though she remembered the events as if they had happened yesterday —

She cracked an eye open. The silence was almost anti-climatic in light of the adrenaline that coursed through her body. She was wedged between two crates taller than she was, the wooden slats damp and smelling like spoiling vegetables. Her dress of rich purple silk was ruined by the littered refuse of the alleyway, but it was far better than the alternative.

Emerald orbs opened fully and she inched forward, daring a peek past the crates. Kaia gasped in surprise, her sight registering three bodies lying motionless at the feet of the man who had shoved her quickly into the only safe spot available before turning to face her attackers. She stumbled slightly, the tip of her shoes catching against the hem of her dress. Her shoulder nudged against one of the tall crates. Kaia winced at the ominous wobble, her nose wrinkling in an almost comical way as the wood crashed against the ground. The man turned to regard her with amusement, cleaning the blade of his knife with a torn scrap of cloth.

"For a Domani, you're not very graceful."

She frowned at him, green eyes sparking. "Sorry to disappoint?" Kaia gave an irritated little huff, lifting her skirts as she picked her way to him. "It's my first alleyway."

"Dangerous for a pretty little thing like you in the Rahad." Black eyes still watched her though he made no threatening move towards her. If anything, he looked thoughtful.

Kaia grimaced, bending over at the waist to retrieve one of her throwing daggers from a stiff corpse's shoulder. "I got turned around." Blast it, where had she thrown the other two? They had been gifts from her mother. "This city is a bloody maze."

The man laughed then, rich and full-throated, his mirth distinctly out of place in light of the blood pooling at their feet. In spite of that, she found herself having to hide a smile in response to the sound. "Does my damsel in distress have a name?"

Her brow arched at that. How easy did he think she was? "You first."

He flourished into a mocking bow, eyes so dark it was difficult to distinguish the irises from the pupils twinkling mischievously. "Jaryd Kosari, at your service."

The corners of her mouth lifted as she debated whether or not to curtsey. Several seconds passed before she relented, though she remained still. "Kaia Ariasca." Her name was enough.

It had been Mykah who had pointed out her far too trusting nature. It had never even crossed her mind that Jaryd's timely rescue could have been a ruse for something more sinister. Kaia could have been killed by this ne'er-do-well and his gang of street rabble! The headstrong Domani dismissed her betrothed's worries. As far as she was concerned, Jaryd had ‘helped' save her and that was that. His gang enjoyed hearing the story of their literal run in with each other again and again, each re-telling growing with embellishment and exaggeration. The Shar'din were growing quite fond of her and she of them. Some of the older members had let slip that she was one of the few who didn't look down her nose at them, the only one who sent them gifts when the feastdays came.

A finger tapped against her lip as she let nothing of what she felt show on her face. "Jaryd?" she asked nonchalantly.

Mykah made a non-committal noise. "I think that's his name." Kaia felt a stab of anger at how easily the son of a wealthy merchant dismissed the Altaran and his ilk. "I don't like how he and his gang always turn up where you are."

"They're my friends," came her icy response. She couldn't help it. "They look out for me. For you. For my mom. I don't see what the problem is!" They were the ones who protected her. Jaryd had saved her, yet Mykah was grouping them together with the riffraff that had dared attack her those few years ago. Her lips compressed into a thin white line and she fixed her eyes purposefully in front of her, coppery skin flushed.

"I'm sorry." Mykah's deep rumble was apologetic. "I just... I should be the one protecting you. Not them."

She smothered the guilt as quickly as it had come. I want them to. Not you. Kaia's smile was small. "You've a better head for numbers than fighting," was all she said instead, the half-lie better than the truth.

It was a blow to his Kandori pride but Mykah did not refute her statement. He merely leaned over and pressed a kiss into her hairline. Emerald orbs closed and even though it made her feel deceitful, she could not suppress the ardent wish that it was another pair of lips against her skin. A stray thought buzzed through her mind, flitting away before she could fully grasp it. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast. Light, today was going to be a long day. Kaia squared her shoulders, emptying her mind as she prepared to do battle with these merchant women who were every bit as wily as her mother.


A fingertip lazily traced over the now familiar paths of his scars, a throaty laugh sounding as the man nestled tightly against her gave an involuntary shudder in response to her feather-like touches. Jaryd made a sound that reverberated deep in his chest, the hand on her hip tightening possessively. He wasn't asleep; she had known he wouldn't be. It was too much of a risk and besides, there were far more pressing matters for them to attend to than sleep. Her Domani upbringing never failed to impress.

"He upset you today." Black eyes met hers and the fingers gliding up his back stilled.

"Yes." She gave a little shrug. "He didn't mean to. He doesn't like the fact that you and the others protect me while we're here." The words hung heavy between them, barely scratching the surface of the dangerous, charged feelings that consumed Altaran and Domani.

"We've never met anyone like you." He spoke quietly, his breath tickling at her ear. But she heard what he really meant. I've never met anyone like you. His other hand went to play with the ends of her hair, strolling through glossy black tresses that never ceased to fascinate him.

"Jaryd..." but her voice trailed off. She didn't even know where to begin.

"Kaia..." he sounded just as lost as she did. The hand left her hip, going to cup her cheek for a moment instead. Then he lifted his hands to the back of his neck, quickly unclasping the simple chain of gold. A dark stone roughly the size of her thumbnail swung wildly across his naked chest for a heartbeat. Before she could protest, he pulled her hand to him and deposited the necklace into the cradle of her upturned palm. Her eyes went to his, the flawless emerald depths searching. Jaryd had never spoken of the significance of the necklace, but in all the time she had known him, she had never seen him without it. "I... want you to have this. It's not much..." he floundered, running a hand through his hair. "Light Kaia! I want so very many things..."

Her stomach tied into an inexplicable knot of dread as she curled her fingers protectively around the stone that glistened a metallic black. Something... something was not right. She had heard those words before. How...? Her eyes widened and it felt like a giant fist seized her heart. The way back will come but once. A vision rose just over Jaryd's shoulder, shimmering as hazily as morning mist. Be steadfast. As the archway solidified, the silver light blazing like a beacon, the horrible clarity of memory cut straight through her as she remembered exactly who and what she was.

"Jaryd!" She choked on his name, her hands reaching for his even as she forced herself away, rolling out of the bed.

"Kaia?" He understood the look of sheer dismay that passed over her face, but not for the same reasons. "It's not that bad. We'll find some way. We'll make it work!"

"No... no!" she wheezed out past the anguish that lashed at her, tears stinging in her eyes. Kaia let out a muffled wail as Jaryd propped himself up on his elbows, her vision blurring as she darted out of his reach. She couldn't let him touch her, she couldn't! One soft caress, just one more, and she knew she would stay with him. Kaia cursed the arches, she cursed the Tower, but most of all, she cursed herself. Light! Why couldn't she stay here? He was here! They weren't Novices... they could be together... They could... find some way... without the Tower! Without channeling... Tears began pouring down her face as she felt something deep inside her breast quaver at the thought of never being able to touch saidar again. Could she do it? Could she really do it? Her eyes squeezed shut as her breath hitched at the silent answer that welled up, as unwelcome as a dagger in the back. It's a lie, her mind whispered, he isn't your Jaryd.

"Kaia?" Green eyes ripped open. Her voice caught in her throat as he held out his arms to her. "Kaia please... I love you."

She let out a strangled cry, her legs shaking as she could barely support her own weight. She staggered back a step, his words sharp, pointed needles that pierced through her chest. Her Jaryd. Light, she had to be sure. Her voice was hoarse, hating that she needed to ask. "That promise you made me in front of Candance Sedai's office... did you mean it? Do you still mean it?"

Heavy brows lowered and the expression of utter confusion made her want to curl into a ball and scream. Shoulders hunched, she edged around him towards the shimmering archway. "Kaia, what are you talking about?"

It took several tries before she could form the words. "I love you as well. Light!" she gasped, "I do, but you're not my Jaryd." Her Jaryd could channel. He had made oaths to protect her from outside harm. He has also vowed by his salvation to protect her from him and he would never have assented to doing what Kaia and the other had. The sense of shameful despair was so strong that she felt physically ill from it. Her heart was going to burst free at any moment, it was beating so fast. "I'm sorry..." She whirled around and threw herself into the arch.

He cried out her name, his voice following her straight through the soft glow that she wished vehemently would burn her to ash.

Kaia faltered on the other side of the arch, bonelessly sinking to her knees as she wrapped her arms around herself. Her hair fell in two silk curtains on either side of her face, the sound of her sobs nearly as pathetic and hopeless as she looked. She did not resist the arms that helped her rise, her hands gripping Candance Sedai's tightly.

"Tell me it wasn't real." Emerald eyes were desperate. "Tell me I didn't leave him." The petite Domani's expression grew wild. "Tell me it wasn't real!"

The Mistress of Novices simply shook her head. "No one knows for certain –" the soft voice broke off, the perceptive eyes of the Aes Sedai going to the glimmer of gold between clenched coppery fingers.

As Jaryd's (not your Jaryd) necklace was pried free, a glimpse of recognition surfaced in the tilted green eyes before it was gone just as quickly. Kaia screamed and lunged for it. Candance Sedai was stronger than she appeared for the petite Domani merely bounced off the immovable woman and landed in a heap on the floor. "Please... please... please..." Her feet scrabbled against the cold tiles. Slender hands reached up for the black stone that swung like a pendulum before her eyes. "Don't take it away!" Green eyes were hysterical as the Mistress of Novices handed the necklace off to another Aes Sedai, one that Kaia didn't recognize. "Don't take it away!!" It came out an incoherent shriek but before she could crawl after Jaryd's (not your Jaryd) necklace, she was being pulled to her feet again.

"Hush child, hush," the Mistress of Novices' soothed. "If it is deemed safe for you to have, I will return it when we are finished here."

Kaia whimpered in response, but she calmed somewhat. Were it not for Candance Sedai's steady arms, she would have sagged to the floor again. She felt... heavy... filled with the raw anguish of Jaryd's voice as it echoed her name. She couldn't get it to stop. Not her Jaryd... but that knowledge did not help and it did nothing to assuage the scalding pain of her self-loathing. Light, she couldn't stop crying.

Her tears mingled with the water as that same Aes Sedai from before emptied the chalice over her raven head. "You are washed clean of false pride. You are washed clean of false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul."

I will never be clean. Not after what I did. Not after what I made him do.

Dark brows drew together. Emerald eyes slowly leaking tears met the tilted green of the Mistress of Novices. The water was so cold that it burned, but Kaia found the sensation fitting. She had to be scoured clean, the destructive obsession that had driven her and Jaryd (not your Jaryd) to abandon their oaths and their honour laying like a layer of oily filth over her skin. "He told me he loved me," she whispered brokenly to the older woman as Candance Sedai steered her towards the third and final arch, not that it mattered now. Kaia saw, but the sense of triumph and relief at the realization that she was nearly finished was noticeably absent.

Dread. All she felt was dread. Her steps were uneven, her fingers tightening against the Mistress of Novices' forearms for a fleeting moment. Light burn her to ash, but there was no other alternative for the Domani; pride dictated that there was no where to go but forward. She straightened her spine, her lips setting stubbornly. Forward she went.

((OOC: Thanks goes out to Sunny for letting me use Jaryd! The necklace and Kaia's future keeping of it was approved beforehand by Jeremy. ;))

For What Will Be – I Remember Me

Novice Kaia Ariasca

"The third time is for what will be. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast."

She was... floating.

Muscles strained as Kaia felt herself go through the physical motions of craning her neck as far back as it would go, the weight of her hair shifting against her back as she turned her head this way and that. Her eyes registered nothing but blackness. What was she doing here? What had she been doing before this? Light, she couldn't remember. She brought her hand up to her face, wiggling her fingers experimentally. Her mouth skewed to the side as she saw nothing, no flicker of movement, even as her fingertips grazed her nose. Still, she was more curious than afraid, the sound of her breathing slow and steady.

"Hello?" She didn't know what it was exactly that possessed her to call out into the darkness, but she didn't question it. It didn't seem all that bad of an idea.

"Hello." She was certainly not expecting an answer. At her noise of surprise, the other voice chuckled softly. "Really Jan... you'd think you'd recognize your twin sister." A little indignant pause. "I haven't been dead that long."

Who? "I'm not Jan," was the first thing that blurted past her lips. Dumbfounded, she tried to reason with the darkness that had answered her. "My name is Kaia." Uncomfortable silence. "Who are you?"

The voice changed; what had been good-natured teasing before turning into something akin to true fear. "If you're not Jan, you shouldn't be here. It's dangerous."

Kaia couldn't help but react accordingly to the voice, casting a look over her shoulder even though there was no way to tell in the blackness that she did so. "I don't even know where here is." Bloody ashes, why was she talking to... darkness that talked back?

"Liri?" A voice that was eerily similar to her own sounded, a clarion call that brought with it a sensation of palpable dread. Whoever the second voice belonged to... Kaia did not want to meet her.

"Jan!"

"What... Ahh..." purred the voice that was not quite the same as hers. "So who is this?"

"Jan, leave her alone! She's just a child."

The laugh was hard. "Then she should not have come." Come where?! "Let's see why she's here." A presence turned its attention to Kaia and it made the young woman want to cower. "Come girl. This is not the place for such things."

She felt what could only be described as an earthquake going off in her mind. A gut-wrenching sensation much like vertigo washed over her, even though there were no points of reference, only the blackness. The space around her convulsed and Kaia yelped in panic, her legs reflexively kicking out as she felt something grasp her by the ankles. What could have been fingers were warm as they dug painfully into her skin. A mighty tug and she was yanked down, falling wildly through empty space. Something slammed into her mind, solid and prickly. Mercifully, she blacked out.


The white of her novice dress was more dingy than pristine, the hemline ragged and uneven. Cautiously, she crept forward, keeping her body pressed against the low cover that the half-standing wall offered. She didn't remember how much time had passed, but it hadn't been long enough that she felt hunger or thirst. It wouldn't have mattered if she was hungry or thirsty; she couldn't stop. The milk-hearted harpy that trailed her wouldn't allow it. A nearby explosion rocked the pillar to her left to its very foundations. Marble dust mixed with fine grains of powdered rock blew across her face but Kaia paid it no heed, desperately blinking the tears out of her eyes. She gritted her teeth, sidling up against the pitted surface of stone and wedging herself behind the pillar.

"Here mousey, mousey, mousey." The mocking sing-song voice of Janrhea Da'Lin came floating over the debris and ruins.

The crunch of booted soles halted a mere dozen feet away from Kaia's inadequate hiding place. Green eyes squeezed shut as the beleaguered woman cursed softly. Janrhea was toying with her; saidar wrought explosions harried her from hiding spot to hiding spot, weaves the young initiate had never seen before – and had no hope of remembering – sending her onward. A small, rational part of Kaia knew that she was being played, the woman who bore an uncanny resemblance to her driving her towards some final confrontation, but that part of her was dwindling.

"Burn you!" Kaia whipped around the column. She was sick of running. The dagger that had miraculously appeared in her hand flew unerringly at her opponent's head. The petite Domani didn't stop to wonder where the weapon had come from. She didn't bloody care.

Janrhea merely laughed, seemingly pleased at Kaia's audacity. A flow of saidar knocked the projectile effortlessly out of the air. "This isn't of my making, little one." A contemplative look stole across the features that could have been identical to Kaia's save for the lack of softness or warmth. "Though it is interesting that you see such a dismal future possible for yourself."

Emerald green clashed against emerald green as the two women stared down the other. Kaia shook her head; she didn't understand Janrhea's intent. The woman obviously commanded enough Power to commit her and her ashes into oblivion several times over, yet Janrhea had never channeled at her. The other woman had done a number on the houses and buildings of Tar Valon, but never once had Kaia been attacked directly with saidar. The confused youth cast a gaze out at the broken, dismal landscape, feeling irritating grains of dust and sand adhering to her sweat-slick skin. It never once occurred to her to try and and pit her own meager channeling skills against that of the clearly superior Janrhea; simply because the woman hadn't used saidar as a weapon, didn't mean that she couldn't. Kaia rested a hand against the pillar, refusing to run any further.

Janrhea read the look in dirt ringed eyes accurately, laughing again, a faint glimmer of approval curving the full lips. "You wonder why I don't kill you." A little tsk of amusement. "You blame me for this."

"You brought me here!" Kaia exploded.

The woman had the nerve to smirk! "No girl. You brought me here," raven brows lowered giving off the impression of a wolf, "for one very specific purpose." Kaia barely reacted in time, taking an involuntary step back as the glow of saidar surrounded the other woman. She flung up her arms to cover her face as Janrhea simply blew the pillar apart. Chips of stone scored the backs of Kaia's hands as larger chunks pelted her stomach and thighs. Slow trickles of red appeared from the gashes on her skin, lines of blood blossoming beneath the ragged slits in her novice whites. Emerald fires pinned Kaia to the spot. "You are weak," Janrhea spat. "And you will always be weak."

In a blink of an eye, they were standing in one of the many numerous hallways of the Tower, dusty from disuse. The blood and grime was gone, Kaia clad in a fine dress of deep blue silk, a corresponding blue fringed shawl looped through her arms. Janrhea wore a dress of the exact same cut and colour, though in place of the shawl were two gleaming pins and the Great Serpent Ring dangling from a chain of fine gold. A silver sword and a gold dragon with red enameled eyes stood out in stark contrast to the coppery skin, the ring of the Aes Sedai swaying gently. Kaia was acutely aware of the discrepancy in their stances. She wore the shawl as if she was trying to hide behind it. Janrhea wore her pins and her ring proudly, leaving behind no doubt that she deserved them.

The hard lines of the woman's face did not change a whit. "You are not worthy to be my counterpart. I am not bound by the Three Oaths. I am the bondholder of Aneid Cower and Ayrin Radcliffe, two men who are beholden to no Tower, Black or White. Who are you?"

Kaia had no answer that would suffice in light of Janrhea's proclamation. A wave indicated that she should walk, the petite Domani too stunned to do anything other than obey and fall into step with the figure who was more Power than woman. The backs of her hands still stung and when she turned them over, cuts that did not bleed greeted her eyes. They walked in silence, a growing sense of unease prickling between Kaia's shoulders.

"This is your legacy," Janrhea said suddenly, pivoting on a foot to point behind them, "and you will be remembered for nothing but your failures."

Kaia turned.

Bodies lined the hall as far as the eye could see. For every step she had taken, there lay a corpse in the dust instead of a footprint. She turned back to Janrhea but the woman was gone, the fine particulates next to Kaia completely undisturbed. For a long moment, she stared into the empty space, her mind stuttering. The corpses would not be ignored, green eyes going back to the bodies without their owner's consent. A hand clenched over her heart as she staggered beneath the weight of the dead.

So many... she thought in a helpless daze. There are so many...

The hallway full of bodies stretched as far as she could see, guilt and sorrow overwhelming her, bringing her to her knees. The dust coated the dark blue skirts, covering the silk with long, grey limbs. She recognized some of the faces. Hal... Casi... there was one of her brothers... Nero... her father... Kaia clapped a hand to her mouth as an agonized moan forced its way out. She couldn't stop looking, couldn't stop herself from matching a name to the motionless faces. Brene... her mother... Kavi... Nan... and there, closest to her, positioned for all the world as if they were sleeping side-by-side, lay Jaelle and Jaryd. You failed them. She had failed them.

Kaia pitched forward, catching herself with her hands as the first of her cries began. You're weak. Janrhea's voice sounded in her mind – her voice – as she clawed at the floor in the vain, desperate attempt to escape. No more, no more! She didn't want to see anymore! Look! the voice commanded. They all died because you're weak and you can't even look! The dust she was stirring up was cloying, Kaia choking on it just as she was choking on the poison of her grief.

The way back will come but once.

She blinked through the fog of her madness. That voice was different. A silver archway rose before her eyes several paces down the hall. It was blinding in its purity. Green eyes started at it, uncomprehending. "Go away!" Kaia screamed as she flung helpless gestures at the glowing light, her eyes streaming while her nose ran. She couldn't leave them... She had killed them... She couldn't remember how but it had been her fault. Because she was weak... Someone... someone had to stay so they wouldn't be forgotten.

Be steadfast.

That tickled at something, tilted green eyes and a black stone puncturing through the dust. She wiped at her nose with the back of her hand, her gaze going automatically to Jaryd's face. That stone... that necklace... it was his. Her eyebrow ticked. Jaryd, but not her Jaryd. Kaia eyed the arch, indecision distorting her features. It was safe here, where her weakness was contained. Everyone she knew was dead but... it meant that she couldn't hurt them. They wouldn't be victims to her legacy of weakness.

But this wasn't real.

But she was weak.

But... This. Isn't. Real.

Janrhea laughed at her, mocking – she laughed at herself, mocking. What does it matter if it's real or not? You're still weak. Kaia's lips pressed into a thin line as she pushed herself to her feet, spurred by the forceful surge of emotion that flooded her chest. She hated that voice. She hated that laugh.

"I'm not weak..." Kaia whispered, ignoring the laugh as it sounded again. Green eyes narrowed. "I'm not weak!" she said, louder this time.

Prove it, girl. That was Janrhea. That was the man-hating Guiva Sedai. That was Anesune-bloody-Sedai. Something deep inside her snapped and as heat suffused her limbs, all she saw was rage. It burned away the dust and the bodies, the hallway becoming nothing more than a hallway. Kaia screamed in defiance and took off at a dead run, sprinting full speed towards the arch as if she meant to tackle it. She was close now... right in front of it! She didn't stop though, the muscles in her legs bunching as she leaped at the silvery light and for a moment, she was floating through light.

"I'm not weak!!" The trail end of her victory cry carried over with her as she burst into the testing chamber, tumbling end over end to a graceless halt several inches from Candance Sedai's feet. She lay there on her back for a timeless moment, her chest heaving as she wanted to roar out her fury again.

Slowly, she rolled to her side, a grunt sounding as she pushed away the offer to help her stand. She would show them. She would bloody show them all. The petite Domani clung to the stubborn edge of her pride, her jaw clenched so tightly shut that her face ached from the force of it. Kaia was shaking and ashen though no trace of the dust or her run-in with Janrhea marred her body. She swayed as she forced herself to her feet. I am not weak! She swallowed and made it a point to meet and hold the eyes of each Aes Sedai that looked at her, even though she wanted nothing more than to bury her face into the crook of her elbow and scream until she lost her voice.

It was a small statement and having made it, she deflated. Kaia dropped to her knees again as the Amyrlin Seat herself upended the chalice of water over her disheveled raven head. "You are washed clean of Kaia Ariasca of Arad Doman. You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul. You are Kaia Ariasca, Accepted of the White Tower. You are sealed to us now."

This time, Kaia did not refuse the help to stand. Her legs were unsteady, but the slightest flicker of a smile passed over her lips as Jaryd's (not her Jaryd) necklace was pressed into her hand. The Amyrlin handed the empty chalice to Candance Sedai. If Kaia's cheeks were wetter than before, none of the Aes Sedai present pointed that out to her.

Accepted Kaia Ariasca

Candance Melhir

Kaia stepped out of the third and final arch, the same look of haunting horror on her face that nearly every initiate had as they stepped out of an arch. It was a pain that Candance could still remember, nearly eighty years later, and one that each and every woman in this room had felt. It was not something that was ever spoken of – to do so would be against White Tower custom – but each and every Aes Sedai could well remember the feeling of pain and loss she felt as she moved through the arched ter'angreal.

Kaia kneeled on the floor, still naked, before the Amyrlin Seat. There was, perhaps, a glistening of tears on the girl's cheeks, and her eyes refused to look up at any of the Aes Sedai that surrounded her. They were shadowed, now, with memories of things she had seen, things she had heard and things she had done whilst inside of those arches. If they were tears that Candance saw they were quickly washed away as Melina slowly poured the last chalice of water over the girl's head, the cool fountain pouring down from the crown of her head across her face and shoulders and onto the floor; her hair, completely wet, was plastered to her face.

"You are washed clean of Kaia Ariasca of Arad Doman," Melina said, her tone clear and neutral, "You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul. You are Kaia Ariasca, Accepted of the White Tower."

Melina offered forward a hand and gently helped the girl on her knees before her to rise, a supporting arm around her.

"You are sealed to us now."

Melina passed across the chalice to Candance who took it, offering up the Amyrlin Seat a single, golden ring. It was the same as the ring on every single Aes Sedai's finger: a golden serpent, biting its own tail. Melina took it gingerly and slipped it onto Kaia's finger: a perfect fit.

"Welcome, daughter."

Kaia looked at the ring, her expression almost unreadable. The other Aes Sedai stepped forward, but Candance was at her first, offering the girl a warm, comforting smile.

"Welcome, daughter," she said, "welcome."