Fanfic:Secrets and Dreams
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Secrets & Dreams
Permission, something that usually was not granted so easily. Forgiveness was just a little more bearable. Swipping the Ter'angreal from the Indigo storages was a little challenging but Rane Sedai owed her a favor and she knew that she would be in good hands. If there was anyone in the Tower that Carra would trust it would be Amadie. And she would say so without a moment hesitation. Their time as a Novice blurred and she had been surprised to be raised before her but now that Amadie was also an Accepted Carra hoped that they would get a chance to actually have time together instead of the short conversations before they dropped from exhaustion.
Not to mention, Carra needed help connecting to someone that could help her. She didn't know who, but someone in the White Tower could but the only way Carra could reach out and still be able to return to the Grey Tower would be through Ter'Aran'Rhoid. And the only one Carra trusted to teach her and keep this a secret would be Amadie. She needed this more then she ever thought she could need something. Carra was starting to feel desperate as this.. this idea.. this thought.. this, Path would change everything.
Carra hurried through the Grey Tower with light feet, keeping to the shadows and corridors rarely used at this time of the day, and reached where Amadie had told her to meet her. She was only a little breathless when she finally reached where they were to meet on time.
"Okay. I got the thing, but I need you to teach me how to use it." Giving her friend a quick embrace, hoping that she wouldn't be lost in Ter'Aran'Rhoid. That would be... unfortunate.
Light, it was so good to see her in the banded dress. A month was too damn long!
Abandoned Corridors
Amadie sat quietly, a ghost in a banded hem. The corridors around her were well-lit and well-cared for, and yet a certain level of musty disuse hung in the air, a reminder that the Grey Tower had never reached full capacity. She had picked the upper-most level of the Accepted quarters because the only people to come there were novices on cleaning duty, and even then only once a week.
Why had she agreed to this odd adventure? She barely knew more about the World of Dreams than Carra herself- a class on theory, a few books red, and several night time experiments on her own had old her she knew nothing. Her thoughts were cut short by the sound of hurried footsteps, and her friend appeared around a corner. ""Okay. I got the thing, but I need you to teach me how to use it," Carra said breathlessly, as Amadie rose.
They hugged, an innocent enough gesture, and Amadie hid the flutters in her stomach by going straight to business. "That I can do," she said. "Show me." Carra held out the ter'angreal, and Amadie took it, turning the odd ring over in her hand a time or two. "You chose well," she said finally, handing it back. "All you have to do to "use" it is go to sleep with it against your skin."
She gave the Cairhienin woman a smile, and pushed open the door just to their right. Inside was a normal Accepted's quarters- save that all the furniture had been covered with sheets to protect against dust. "Find a spot and get comfortable," she instructed. "As you are falling asleep, picture yourself standing in this room. Hold that image in your mind, and I will meet you there."
The bed had been covered as well; after a moment of consideration, she simply lay atop the drop cloth, closed her eyes, and allowed herself to drift. It didn't take as long as it used to, to find herself standing in the Tel'aran'rhiod mirror of the room their bodies slept in. Now...to wait for Carra.
Hollow
Against my skin?
Carra looked at the the dream ter'angreal and gave a shrug, following Amadie into the room. She took a look around and decided that the rug on the floor would be the most appropriate. It gave Amadie the bed and Carra didn't mind sleeping on the floor. It was cleaner than most places she had slept in her lifetime.
She bunked down with her arms across her chest, holding the ter'angreal folded and entwined around her fingers. The rug was a little musty but it allowed her to remember to dream of this room, of standing in this room, of seeing Amadie. Her thoughts drifted and with the late hour Carra was asleep only to...
The room was just as she walked in. Only she wasn't laying on the floor and Amadie was not laying on the bed. The sheets protecting the room were still there, as they had been since the room was likely first furnished, and there she stood. It took a moment to realize she was wearing her novice whites instead of the Accepted bands. The thought flashed through her before the dress then held the bands but faded back to the white.
"Well, this is annoying. And weird."
Mirror Into Your Soul
"Well this is annoying. And weird." Amadie turned at the voice, and saw that Carra was glaring down at her dress- which decidedly did not have the stripes of an Accepted at hem and cuff. The Domani woman bit back a giggle, as her first purpuseful journey into Tel'aran'rhiod had had equally unfortunate beginnings. She did, however, focused really hard on a specific image.
Slowly, Amadie began to change. Her height changed first, dropping her about half a hand. Then her hair slowly lightened from wavy nearly-black to brown, to a beautiful auburn. Brown eyes to green. Dusky skin to pale. Finally, her curves smoothed away, leaving behind a lean, athletic body. When Carra looked up from surveying her skirts, she met eyes with- herself.
Amadie saw confusion, then shock, then indignant annoyance in those green eyes as her friend realized what was going on. Carra straightened and opened her mouth, and for a moment, an Aes Sedai shawl hung over her shoulders, with long fringe the color of blood. What is that all about? Amadie thought, surprised.
"You can be anything you want to be in Tel'aran'rhiod," she said quickly, as she concentrated on her own appearance. A moment later, she stood before Carra in a shockingly transparent Domani gown in gold and red- the type she had favored before being stuffed into a white woolen sack of a novice dress. "All you have to do is imagine that it is so. Until you learn to control it, your appearance will change with your moods. All you can do is practice." Her own gown shifted to a lovely blend of purple and blue as she spoke.
"Why don't you try?" She suggested. "Imagine yourself as- someone else. Hold the image in your mind, and see how long you can maintain it."
Harder then it looks
Carra wasn't one to look at mirrors, in fact most of her personal grooming was done as she sat in the bathing pools while she braided her hair. Seeing Amadie -no her!- stand before her, Carra was rather startled. For a flickered thought, she felt a stern need to scold her friend when she realized that she was suddenly in a Red Shawl and dismissed that thought entirely. Bloody Ashes, what was I ... No. It would seem her thoughts dictated how she appeared.
"Anything?" Carra watched as Amadie changed her dress to something she actually found rather appealing on Amadie even though the garment itself was ludicrous. "I don't think I have ever seen you so lively, though."
Then she turned her thoughts to her own state of dress. It was easy to imagine herself back with shorter cropped hair, easier to keep clean and less likely to attract bed bugs, and her novice dress shifted to the leathers and colors of the Queen's Guard in Caemlyn. "Always wondered what I would look like with this on. Right colors, I suppose but I don't think its me?" She struggled to keep the focus on one things as it shifted away to the Grey Tower trainee grey clothes and her usual leathered attire she wore when practicing. Of all the things she wore this was the most comfortable, and that she felt most at home with.
The different, was the shifting Shawl around her shoulders. The shawl itself was white but the tassels shifted between Blue, Brown, White and Red. She couldn't decide and it reflected it. Holding the thought of her clothes was easier now that she knew it cad to be a more active thought. Carra was surprisingly well disciplined or she would never have dared to go toe-to-toe with Illyria Sedai. She was even more frightening since taking on the Mistress of Novices mantel.
"This seems easy enough." The Shawl still shifting colors. "Sorta..."
Three Facts
Amadie watched as Carra did what she could to control her clothing. Interesting that her friend's mind went to the uniform of those who physically fought.... Amadie smoothed her skirts self-consciously. Occasionally she received a hard reminder of how very privileged she had been growing up- this was one such moment.
"The Tower doesn't exactly provide space for being lively," she commented, referring back to Carra's earlier remark. "It's hard to think of silks and satins when my fingers are pruney from dishes and my back aches from carting laundry hither and thither like a Light-blasted mule." Her clothes flickered to novice whites as she remembered those endless chores, and it wasn't until she clamed her mind that they settled back to her chosen gown. The colors flickered furiously, much like the fringe on Carra's shawl. The neckline rose and plunged, and her hair style shifted frequently, but it stayed the same. Mostly. "I look forward to the day when I can be myself once more," she admitted. "I feel like I have worn a mask ever since I got here."
She stood, and went to the door. "There are a few things you need to know about the World of Dreams," she said as she opened it and peeked through. "The first is that if you are injured here, you will be injured when you wake up." The hall outside was empty, as she expected. She led the way out.
"The second is that there are things called nightmares here. They are...terrible...and once you are in them, unless you are very strong of will, almost impossible to get out of. Unlike normal nightmares, if you die in one, you will never wake up." She had not known that bit, when she first started her exploration. Her first cognizant memory of Tel'aran'rhiod was of a nightmare- she was truly lucky to be alive.
"Third, most people only flicker and flash into Tel'aran'rhiod. By staying here constantly, you call attention to yourself as someone who knows you are here," she said. "Until you know more, that can be very dangerous. I have read that Shadowsworn love to meet here, which is one danger; running into an Aes Sedai who knows you shouldn't be here is another." Doors stood closed, then suddenly open, then closed again around them.
She turned to Carra, whose clothes had once more flickered to novice white as Amadie spoke. "You can get around all that by simply...going to a different place. Imagine the third depository in the Library- the one with the statue of blind justice in the entry. Now close your eyes and imagine yourself being there. I will meet you there."
And if Carra does not arrive? A thought for a different night, hopefully.
No Detour yet
Carra nodded as she listened to Amadie explain how the Dreamworld worked. She wasn't too pleased that if she was hurt it would reflect on her physical body, but realistically it made sense. Thought of her clothes maintained, the second about nightmares was unnerving. What did nightmares look like from the outside. She held her question until Amadie was done.
The thought that by staying in one place in Ter'Aran'Rhoid broke her concentration as she didn't realize that it could happen. It always seemed to her that the Dream World was an open space that was less occupied by the mundane and it gave those that could walk through it a great deal of freedom. The idea that she could be easily found the longer she stayed in one place was.. unnerving.
"Imagine the third depository in the Library- the one with the statue of blind justice in the entry"
Carra gave a nod. The library she knew well and she could picture it easily. And a shift before her eyes and she could see the statue. At first she did not see Amadie and wondered if she did that right. Looking down she saw the Novice white. "Bloody.." And made the effort to give herself the banded hem at least. She survived and passed her arches, and she earned those stripes, danmit! She was Accepted.
The colors didn't waver.
"Amadie?" Carra started to walk around the statue to where the Third Depository started. She located her easily enough, and was relieved to see her. "Good." She gave herself a nod of reassurance. Not seeing her right away had made her nervous and set her on edge. Already she was on edge but at least with her she felt a little safe.
"What do nightmare's look like and how can they be avoided?"
Only as real as you think it is
Amadie stared up at the statue, its blindfold and balanced scales oddly irritating her. Justice should never be blind. Justice should be keen-eyed, swift, and consistent. Shaking her head, she looked back at Carra, trying how best to respond to her question.
"In this...world," she said, waving her hand to indicate their surroundings, "things are as real as you believe they are. Therefore, if you truly believe a terrible thing is happening....it will happen exactly as you imagine." She shivered. "The interesting thing in this place is that a nightmare will occasionally stick around long after the person who thought of it is gone."
They had been walking as she spoke; now they moved through the main entry to the Library. Here, books, papers, lamps and writing implements flicked in and out of sight and shifted positions, a visual reminder of how well-used this place was in the waking world. "There is no way to "see" that you are in a nightmare," she continued. "Nightmares can be as obvious as trollocs trying to eat you, or as subtle as getting lost in a catacombs. They can even seem pleasant, draw you in, and then turn into something terrible once you're trapped." She looked around, making very, very certain that her brain knew that there surroundings were real. Not a nightmare. Real.
"If you realize you are caught in a nightmare, there are only two ways to get out. The first is to concentrate your entire being on the fact that what is happening isn't real, while simultaneously imagining a different place that IS real. The second is to wake up."
She looked over at Carra. "The only thing is," she added, "once you're caught in a nightmare, you'll lose track of what's real and what isn't. Your first instinct will be to run from or fight what's going on, and neither are effective, especially if someone else is forcing you into that nightmare. At that point it becomes a contest of wills and Talent, and as the victim, you will always be at a severe disadvantage."
an unpleasant adventure
Carra pondered this as she watched the books shift and change in the library. It was almost mezmerizing to watch them change the way they did. So Ter'Aran'Rhoid was a reflection of the waking world, how interesting. She wondered what else changed, and her mind wandered to how her life had been before coming to the Tower. While her first thought was Tar Valon, it was the memory of Caemlyn fresh in her mind that had the world around her ...shifted out and Carra found herself in an empty alley in Caemlyn's poor district, outside of the inner walls.
"Bloody, fucking ashes." Carra swore as she looked around her. So much the same, exactly as she had left it. Looking down she was a little relieved that her dress was still the Accepted Bands. At least something she did was still working. Looking over the alleyway, Carra's curiousity kept her from returning that moment back to Amadie. That was.. until a voice shouted, causing her to almost jump.
She could turn around.. No.. Carra. Go back HOME!
...shift
The Lay of the Land was not home. Tar Valon was not home. Why the hell was she here?
...shift
Red Ajah quarters in the White Tower. Now Carra was starting to become afraid. She didn't know if the the Red Ajah was for her! It was too soon! She wasn't ready!! No! No!
...shift
Cairhien.
"Fuck this." And she thought of Amadie. Of the Library in Hama Valon. Of her friend, and of her safe place.
...shift
"Amadie?" She was back in the library, the statue just as she had left it. "Amadie!?!" Her voice desperate for her friend. For her one friend... Damn it...
Hither and Thither
Amadie glanced to the door, and when she looked back Carra had disappeared. Had she been awakened? No. Otherwise Amadie herself would be feeling the tell-tale tremors that signified waking up. So where had she gone? The Accepted fought back panic- she had not anticipated this particular problem. She could leave and try to rouse Carra, but if her friend was trapped, she might not be able to wake her up.
Perhaps if she imagined Carra were with her, she would appear. Closing her eyes, she focused as hard as she could on the image of the auburn-haired woman, and her desire to be with her. "Please be okay," she whispered. "Please be with me."
When she opened her eyes, she stood in an alleyway in a city that, after a moment of consideration of its architecture, she identified as Caemlyn. She had certainly been there frequently enough, though never to a quarter as poorly maintained as this. Curious. Carra was nowhere in sight- why had she been drawn here?
Once again she focused her mind. When she opened her eyes, she stood in the middle of what was clearly the common area of an inn of some sort. The decorations were not entirely to her taste- a little too garish to be relaxing. Again, no sign of Carra.
The next time she opened her eyes, she found herself standing in an unfamiliar hall, with the tallest arched ceilings she had ever seen in her life. Beneath her feet were red tear drops; to either side, red doors spotted the walls at semi-regular intervals. A painting of a woman -clearly an Aes Sedai- graced a wall nearby; on closer examination, she wore a red-fringed shawl. She didn't need a tour guide to tell her she stood in the Red Ajah's quarters in the White Tower. Just what I bloody need.
Once more she focused -difficult, with the fear of discovery breathing down her neck- and this time found herself in Cairhien. Another quasi-familiar place, though she thought the ramshackle street she stood on might be in the Foregate. Still no Carra -had the woman decided to go on a world tour?- so she closed her eyes once more.
This time, she found herself back in the Library. Carra stood facing away from her, and as Amadie appeared, she said "Amadie?!" in the most desperate voice the Domani woman had ever heard come out of her mouth.
"I think you have more surprises than Tel'aran'rhiod does," Amadie observed. Carra whirled- for a moment, Amadie saw sheer panic on her face, but it quickly faded, replaced by the woman's normal calm demeanor. "I don't know what you were thinking about, but it must have been strong to carry you so far, so quickly. Caemlyn? Cairhien? The bloody Red Ajah quarters?" Carra's expression became guarded at the last, and Amadie peered at her, tilting her head curiously.
"What....were....you thinking?" She asked. She didn't often probe into her friend's private thoughts, but this time, curiosity overwhelmed caution. "Can I help?"
Right Time; Wrong Place
Seeing Amadie brought her enormous relief and Carra resisted an urge to give her a huge, or even reaching out to touch her to make sure she was real. Instead Carra collected herself and let the panic and unease leave her. Of all the places to realize that she could panic at all, the Dream World was not it.
Carra's eye's narrowed as Amadie listed off the places she had followed her. Carra had not known that was possible, so at the very least she learned something useful here and of Amadie. That she was lead to the Red Ajah halls was... unfortunate. Carra wanted to talk to her about it, desperately so, but the dangers of Ter'Aran'Rhoid just proved to her that here was not the place. Secrets here cause fears to manifest, at least awake they could ward against listening ears.
"Ask me again when we are awake." Carra kept her guard up, not letting her thoughts send her off on another trip. "It seems I was foolish to have asked you to teach me of this place. I needed to learn, but.. I didn't expect that to happen."
“I didn’t know that could happen, either,” Amadie confessed aloud, but her slight nod indicated she understood Carra's need for privacy. “I suppose the only time I’ve felt strong emotion here is when I was trying to escape from –“ she cut off, then sighed and continued in a lower tone, “nightmares. I wouldn’t even know I have this Talent, except that I woke up with cuts on my hands, and it frightened me enough to go looking for information.”
She held her hands up to show the thin white scars across her palms. “I took a theory class, but I haven’t actually told anyone else that I can get in without a ter’angreal. I have no intention of revealing it unless forced.” She smiled. So far her ability had been her little secret, and she preferred to keep it that way. It had already helped her more than she cared to admit to be able to poke and pry at night. Now she just needed to figure out how to get to that field of dream bubbles she had been shown in the class….but she would do that when she did not need to watch out for another. “We all have our secrets,” she concluded.
They stood in silence for a moment, as Amadie contemplated what to do next. Finally she spoke. “As you can tell, the less a thing moves in the waking world, the more permanent it is here.” She waved to the tables where inkpots, pens, and paper shifted in and out of existence from one moment to the next. “Despite that, you can learn….very….interesting things, since what is here is a reflection of reality.” She grinned evilly. “You can go anywhere if you are careful to avoid observation. I intend on reading and traveling as much as this place will allow me.” Knowledge is power. She had learned that at her mother’s knee, and nothing she had seen since arriving at the Grey Tower had contradicted that belief.
So, we both have secrets..
Carra thought on the words carefully, making a note to look for books in the Library. It wouldn't be unusual for her to pick up books on Ter'Aran'Rhoid, not with the Indigo Ajah's close eye on her. Frankly too many ajah's were watching her for her liking. But there were a few benefits to it too.
"Well, you think you have a crazy secret. Illyana Sedai tested me with all her crazy Ter'Angreal and apparently I have the Foretelling." Carra's frown was deep. "I really don't like that woman."
Back to the real world
"Well, you think you have a crazy secret. Illyria Sedai tested me with all her crazy Ter'Angreal and apparently I have the Foretelling." Amadie blinked, trying to process that. "I really don't like that woman." That didn't surprise Amadie all that much, but she wisely kept her mouth shut. She had not formed an opinion of the woman, having made it a point to remain clear of her office as much as possible.
"You can Foretell?" She asked instead, peering at her friend. That was a curious Talent for Carra to have. "What did you-" she cut off. "Nevermind, perhaps that is also something best not discussed here." She shivered. It was an entirely different experience being in this world with a companion, and she wasn’t sure she liked it.
"I think, unless there is more you would like to learn, we should go back to the waking world," she said after a pause. "There is no knowing how long we have been asleep- it could be half an hour or half a day and we wouldn’t know any better.” Carra nodded agreement.
“Plus, I want to know more about this Talent of yours. And….the other thing, too, sometime. Plus you said Illyria has a ter'angreal that can detect Talent? I shall have to steer clear of that one as long as I can." "Forever" sounds like a fantastic time frame for that one.
Wakey wakey..
Carra gave her a nod. She grinned a little at the surprise on Amadie's face. "If there are things you'd rather keep secret. Avoid the Indigo Ajah. Just do it." Her voice dry of humor.
"So, how do we wake up?"
Good question
Amadie blinked, and then the irresistible urge to tease her friend took over. "First you stand very straight," she said calmly. Carra's shoulders went back, her head went up. "Then you cross your hands across your chest." Carra did so, but she looked puzzled, and Amadie knew she wouldn't be able to draw it out very much more.
"Finally, you lift your right foot and hop in a circle three times chanting 'I want to be awake' the whole time." Carra's foot actually left the ground a quarter of an inch before she realized what had happened, and she started laughing.
Amadie grinned back at her, a sparkle in her eyes that had not been there in many years. "Sorry," she said in an absolutely unapologetic tone.
"Actually, all you have to do is close your eyes, and think yourself as awake and back in your real body." She thought for a second. "Depending on how tired you are, you might go into real sleep instead. If you do, I'll wake you up." Carra gave her a suspicious look, but apparently realized that this time, the Domani Accepted was serious. Amadie gave it a count of five, then closed her eyes.
When she opened them again, she lay staring at the ceiling in the shrouded Accepted room, mind full with all the oddities that their trip had shown her.
there was still time.
After their adventure, Carra had to admit that she needed the laugh. Amadie had just the right amount of serious to get past Carra's bullshit sensors. She appreciated the attempt to lighten the mood at least. Carra watched as Amadie blinked out, feeling an odd sensation from where she had stood, and for a moment she was alone in Ter'Aran'Rhoid with just her thoughts.
Carra imagined in front of her a mirror, and in it she saw herself. She always had a certain amount of self discipline and now that she didn't have to be afraid of someone seeing her, her clothes shifted back to the leather that she first put herself in when she tried to change her clothes. The felt right, looked right... but. Her clothes shifted to a simple outfit. One that was tight to her body and an over dress to make it look like she was wearing a formal dress without sleeves. The Red Shawl around her shoulders. It felt right too.
"I don't want this." She whispered to her reflection and shifted back into her Accepted dress. Years of wearing it still ahead of her. She had time. Time to learn, time to decide. She just needed to be careful how much she wanted to share with Amadie. And how much she didn't.
Carra closed her eyes, imagining herself awake, and left Ter'Aran'Rhoid behind.
