Fanfic:Growing up, fast

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Growing up, fast
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OOC note: I write this as a personal archive of what happened to Jip Gaidin in the events surrounding the battle of lights in the Grey Tower. These events happened when he was but a Ji'alantin and shaped his character more than any other singular event in his time at the tower. I have some of the original posts of the moments I think most significant, and in between I have filled in the story in italics. Obviously it's not the whole story; that is in the archive of the MRP the Sevenfold Conflict, which was hosted by Caden Gaidin. Here are just the parts of it important to Jip and me, as Jip saw it.

IC: The night before was when it all began, Jip had, like many trainees went off to the band of brothers, there had been a banquet of the Ajah's and so the mood of the learning ranks and trainees had been reckless. Little did they know the fate that awaited them. One trainee, a drin'far'ji named Karta got very drunk and very sick and Jip was one of those who tried to help her home.

They had not gone far when the reaper of the yards, Caden Gaidin, had caught them. Before punishment could be given out however they were attacked, by Geano an ex-drin'far'ji, who blamed Jip- a victim of his bullying- for his eventual expulsion from the tower. That night his target was the master of arms, but seeing Jip he flew into a range and attacked. Luckily Jip was saved, owing a lot of that to Dwillon a fellow trainee. They went back to the tower, Karta unconscious and Geano a prisoner, after seeing the disgrace and banishment of a former Mistress of Arms who had mysteriously turned up.

That night passed sleeplessly for Jip but it had for many, the next morning rumours flew like fire, but one thing seemed fact, that afternoon there was to be a public birching of Aes Sedai and Asha'men in the courtyard, something almost unheard of.

Having some free time before this birching, and determined to avoid it Jip went to his room and thought of what had passed...

Jip entered his room, mentally and physically exhausted, the morning had been long, it seamed like a whole week. Jip had not slept the night before, the one time he had been able to drop off nightmares had woke him within minutes. Nightmares of shadowy figures dropping from roofs, of swords flashing in lamplight; not at all surprising considering the events of the night before. It was only the second time in his life that someone had seriously tried to kill him, and Jip doubted that it was something he would ever get used to. Now as he entered his room he glanced around warily, checking he was alone. He was frightened; he could admit that to himself. The events outside the band of brothers were not the only unusual and frightening events that had happened the previous night if the whispered rumours that had flew around the learning ranks that morning were to be believed, as usual they were to be taken lightly, for example Jip did not believe for one moment that Aes Sedai and Asha'men had started shooting fireballs at each other, but something must have happened for there was to be public punishment of Aes Sedai and Asha'men that day, which was unusual to say the least. He had also heard whispers that some Trainees had been attacked within the tower, but all the rumours told different stories, in some it was a Dedicated that had attacked, in others an Asha'man. In one very farfetched story, which Jip had been told by a white faced Drin'far'ji; there had been a Shadowspawn in the very grounds of the Tower. Many stories, and they did not make for a relaxed atmosphere.

Jip only had a little time, he was just planning to stay here for his free hour, he wasn't happy being with his fellow Trainees, who were mainly talking about the punishment of the Aes Sedai and Asha'men, something Jip did not want to think about, he had begrudgingly come to accept violence as a necessary tool against evil, and was even beginning to believe truly that it was necessary, last night had been proof enough of that, if all those outside the inn had been pledged to no violence, if they had ran instead of face conflict, then they would very likely be dead. However violence as a punishment made Jip feel ill, too many memories from his childhood, he blinked away the tears that pricked at his eyes, tears of childish anger and hurt. It was his memories that felt the hurt, memories of a child beaten and afraid. Jip now held no anger of that time; he found it hard to remain angry with anyone for long even those who hurt him, especially those that hurt him, legacy to his earliest upbringing.

Thinking of the punishment that was to befall the Aes Sedai brought Jip back to the events that had befell him the night before, and the punishment he would undoubtedly receive for not doing his duty and sending the lower ranks home. Which he deserved, he knew the responsibilities of being one of the middle ranks in the Grey Tower and it had been his choice to not live up to them responsibilities. However deserved or not he shuddered at the thought. He would never forget the months of endless chores that had followed his misadventure to find his brother. Not the smartest thing that Jip had ever done. Thinking of his brothers made him worry, they had gone off again the day before, not telling Jip where or why just telling him not to follow. Jip was worried, not that his brothers couldn't look after themselves, but still he would rather he knew they were safe. Jip squeezed his eyes shut, that definitely was not a good path of thought to go down, better to think of punishment then to worry about all the fates that could befall the only two people Jip had ever called family.

Of course thinking of the punishment he and his fellow middle ranks who had been there last night were to receive put him in mind of Karta and Isabel and he felt a stab of pity, especially for Isabel, after all she had helped to save Jip's life. Thinking of those final events of the night before led logically to Jip remembering the woman. The one who had arrived the same time as Geano had. Who had claimed to have held the post of Master of Arms many years ago. Jip had never met any who would dare to speak to Caden Gaidin the way she had. The Master of Arms dismissal of her had shocked Jip as well. He had expected anger, and anger had been there. But also belittlement and degradation, the woman they had left outside the Band of Brothers inn had been broken, very unlike the woman who had arrived as events were turning.

He had to stop thinking; his thoughts today were leading to things Jip would rather forget. He had some time, though not a lot. He looked around for something to take his mind away from everything that was happening. On the desk next to his bed, a book: The History and Tradition of the Festivals of Ebou Dar Jip still made an effort to read at least every other day. At least this book was cheerful, unlike some others he had read. Jip reached over and picked up the book. He opened it to half way and brought his finger up to the first line and started reading, under his breath but still aloud. "One of the other festivals which is of great note is that of the festival of birds" he started.

He grinned as he remembered, Ebou Dar in colours, feathers in every colour Jip could think of and more besides. A brief memory, a younger Jip with a young Altaran boy; weaving in and out of crowds gathering fallen feathers sticking them in their hair. That was about a week after Jip had arrived in the city, not long before the Seanchan had arrived, there were no more festivals after that. Jip smiled sadly, that had been a long time ago, he had just left the farm, freed from his life there it had seemed to him that Ebou Dar was a city of dreams. He had been young and determined to find a better life than the one he had left behind.

Jip blinked the memory away, it seamed nothing was going to stop him thinking today, his eyes wandered to his hands. Hard-calloused hands, small like the rest of him, scared from accidents in the Yards. His hands had never been soft, working on a farm from the age of six had seen to that, however when he had joined the Tower his hands had blistered, from using his hands in a different way, to grip weapons. Jip let the book fall to the bed as he lifted up his hands to look at them. They no longer blistered obviously, they had stopped doing that his first year in the Tower, the skin on his hands was now as hard as the skin on his feet used to be.

Another memory, Jip on his first day in the Tower, stood in his room that he had shared, not with Garren that had been later but another Drin'far'ji. At this moment in time Jip hadn't yet met his roommate, he had just been shown to his room, and was putting on his new uniform for the first time. He remembered his amazement and excitement that with the clothes he had been given was a pair of boots, the first pair of shoes Jip had ever owned. Boots, Jip grinned and glanced down at the boots placed neatly at the side of his bed, soft feet, Jip would no longer be able to run around Ebou Dar bare footed, if he tried his feet would blister and bleed. Like his hands used to.

His hands, he had arrived at the Tower with softer hands and harder feet, and a head full of stories that drove him to his aim of becoming a Warder, and now, now he was older with softer feet and harder hands and no allusions at all to what training to be a warder meant. His hands so calloused and hard had been used to kill. You could tell by looking at them that killing was their purpose, these hands had taken life, given death. It was what he was training for; he had accepted violence as a necessary tool against violence. But now, now he could not escape the fact that he was being shaped, shaped as a weapon to wield that violence. His hands, the tears that had been threatening all day spilled down Jip's face, pent up frustration and fear and worry, and sadness. Overwhelming sadness, sadness that had been threatening to take over for nearly a month, what was he, if not just an instrument to kill. He even had the means, of the void, to become a soulless agent of death. What kind of beast, can kill a man and feel nothing?

His hands, hands of death reached up and pulled back the sleeves of his grey uniform, sleeves scrunched and faded. Beneath the sleeves his arms, wider then when he had arrived, wider even than six month ago. Along his arms were hard ropes of muscle, strength, strength to kill. My parents, if they are alive, if they were to see me; to them I would be a monster. They would run from me in fear with this thoughts came sobs. There had been a time, some years ago, after he had discovered the truth of his birth family, a time he could have left, and looked for them. He had not, and now it was to late. I look like a killer now, they would hate me he stood up shaking on his feet or fear me he did not know what would be worse.

He moved over to his water basin, and peered into the still water looking at his reflection, his tear stained face. The rest of me will be so marked; I have the body of a killer he sobbed again. At one time he had been able to retreat after a day of training, forget what he was training to do. But now, the marks, the reminder of the violence he was using was etched on his body. His hands came up to the collar of his uniform, stumbling fingers trying to unfasten the buttons. Hoping against hope, but knowing the signs of his training would be as clear on the rest of his body. His hands were trembling too much; in a rare show of impatience Jip tore his shirt open sobbing as he did so.

His fears were made true as he peered into the water, his reflection showing a muscled torso, bruised and scared from training with weapons. Weapons; takers of life. He stood frozen watching the stranger in the water. When did I change this much? through his tears he saw, the muscles, which had been developed in his trainings, the bruises that came with training, the bruises and cuts. An anger came upon him, anger with himself for what he had become, anger at those who had made him this way. "Burn them!" His fist moved, the basin crashed to the floor, shattering, water spilling. A smash of sound, and then silence, Jip dropped to his knees among the shards. "What have I become?" he sobbed his voice choked.


Minutes passed by and Jip sobbed, bent over his knees, like a child. Finally the sobbing subsided, although tears still flooded down his face. He had to get out. He stood and left the room.

Where he was planning to go he knew not. For maybe a brief moment the thought of leaving the tower for good crossed his mind. But that would never happen, he had nowhere else, the only places he knew were places he had been to before, and they were all places he did not wish to return to. He had to get somewhere were he could forget. The first place that came to mind was the Band of Brothers inn, but even the state he was in he put the idea out his mind. He was in enough trouble as it was from last night. The Gardens he turned in the direction of his favourite place in the whole tower.

He was not even half way there, when through his tears he saw a surge of people, about twenty or so heading in his direction. As with crowds of any notable size it is often easier to go with them then against them. Jip did not have the willpower to fight against the crowd, as it was quite a narrow corridor. Instead he followed, numbly, he had started to sob again this time silently.

They came out into the square in the Tower grounds. Where the punishment of the Aes Sedai and Asha'men was to take place. "Light," a crack of sound barley audible. More tears came to his eyes, and flooded down his face. This was not a good place for him to be. Turning his head slightly he spotted Isabel's brother, a man he did not know personally, be handed a letter from a passing servant. Jip's head moved on not giving the incident any importance, he looked up at the scaffolding, his face wet with tears, which he raised an arm to wipe away. Noticing as he did so his ripped shirt What am I doing here? he asked himself trying to stifle the tears.

Luckily he was not alone in his distaste and Damon, father to Dwillon came to Jip's comfort, though Jip found it hard to speak to him they were both rescued by Mouse, a silent girl without the use of her voice who Jip had come to be friends with. Mouse had had a tough night also, having been attacked by a dedicated and rescued by Damon. She was able to speak to Jip as Jip knew her language of signs, and could move his hands better then his voice could work. Soon she discovered what had upset him and calmed him down, then asked if he would stay with her and be her 'protector' as Caden Gaidin had commanded she find someone to watch over her. Jip agreed and then went to run obstacle courses as his punishment for the night before.

That night there was some awkward rearranging before Jip and Mouse were put in a spare drin'far'ji room to spend the night, after some 'talking' Mouse finaly wrote down the story of her parents, and why she suspected the shadow was after her, Jip promised no harm would come to her and he took first watch as Mouse slept.

Geano attacked that night, having escaped from the infirmary where he was held. It was a long hard fight and though Mouse and Jip won out in the end Mouse was injured and both exhausted from their efforts, they were taken to the infirmary where they could both try to sleep, neither did.

The next day Mouse was to meet with her friend and possible lover dedicated Lucan at noon. The two went to the library to meet the sea folk dedicated and Jip soon found himself object of the other mans dislike, Lucan almost persuaded Mouse to leave Jip and go alone with him but Jip's worry for Mouse weakened his compulsive grip on her and they agreed the three of them to stick together. Going down the stairs they met a Gaidin who filled them with disgust and fear, he attacked but before Jip and Mouse could react Lucan did. He burned the man to nothing...

What alternatives did he have?

None, thought Lucan, his hands already raised before himself. It was a pity the Ji'alantin survived Malakh's attempt of decapitation, but now Mouse was next in the Gaidin's path, and Lucan saw the opening come when the Sige threw herself aside. Malakh must have been oblivious to what was about to happen, since he disregarded him and turned to face the Ji'alantin. Master. You betrayed me, and now I claim my compensation.

Malakh Gaidin was compromised anyway. Lucan had seen the three Drin'far'ji that was supposed to be dead in the Infirmary. Soon, the whole Tower would know Malakh to be a traitor to the Light.

While Lucan weaved the flows of Fire and Air, Malakh aimed a pre-emtpive strike across Jip's bowels when he came too close. With the swing, he was already turning towards Mouse. Lucan knuckled the two mats of Power together into spheres of fire - each igniting and hovering over his hands. The Great Lord will make you suffer until the end of time, Lucan thought while his face clenched and his teeth bared, just like me.

"Don't touch her!" he shouted and sent the first sphere straight into Malakh's chest. The Warder stumbled back a step from the concussion, and the flames began to eat at his clothes and armour. Oddly enough, he did not scream, he merely stared straight into Lucan's eyes, and oh, there was a look he would never forget. It held the sharpest edge of rage and shock, yet it would not affect his adamant Gaidin features. The second sphere had already left Lucan's extended hand and it struck home, forcing the Gaidin back another step - but he never lost eye-contact with the Dedicated.

Realising his mistake, Lucan eyes widdened in fear - pale grey eyes showing white all around. Desperately, he wove new Weaves.

It was not over yet, and Malakh lunged forward again - this time against Lucan. The man was a Blademaster, and extremely fast. Lucan could have made more effective Weaves, but this fight had witnesses, and he could not utilise the Black Ajah ones if there would be residue readers coming there afterwards. He had to fight using conventional methods - the Battleweaves of the Light. He worked as fast as he could, his blood beating furiously in his ears, but the man was right in his face before the new sphere of fire slammed home. It was smaller, but the sphere struck right into Malakh's grizzled face - engulfing his head.

"Get away from me!" he screamed as the Warder lost his sword and covered his eyes - the flames licking across his calloused hands. New spheres were on the way, and Lucan wove new ones as soon as he could. His hands sent them away in throwing motions - a steady stream of attacks that made the Gaidin stumble backwards in a disjointed dance of death. There was nothing left of Malakh's hauberk anymore, it was pouring down his legs in streams of liquid metal. There was no cloth or skin either, and each new impact slammed deeper and deeper into the ungulfed torso. "Die!"

Malakh was never prone to obey orders, but this time he had been forced to obey.

He was probably already dead, for he never screamed once while the attacks made him fall back. The final sphere sent him off his feet, and his body began to fall to pieces and disintegrated before he reached the floor. The Power-wrought fires ate him whole, and only a forearm and his legs were left when everything grew still.

The stench of roasting flesh had a foul undertone, and spread all over the Library.

Lucan was panting, staring at the mess he had made. Master would have felt everything through the bond, known it all, and there was no going back.


As was all too often the case, it all seemed to happen very quickly. The Gaidin had attacked. Mouse and Jip, being as trained as they were, had moved out of the way of the immediate attack and pulled their own weapons to prepare to fight back.

The matter of it was that Lucan had also taken up his own weapon and his was far more powerful than theirs.

Mouse watched in a sort of immobile horror at what she was seeing. The Gaidin kept coming as Lucan screamed words that only barely filtered through Mouse's conscious, and burnt him alive. Yet the other never made a noise and just... burnt.

Although she wasn't aware of it, little connections were lacing together in the far back of her mind.

On the very surface of matters was the immediate reactions to the sight, of course, and they were as any normal person would have... but there was something else, far deep down inside the young woman.

Don't touch her...

Selenirra! Go!

Fire and fear... calling flames from the air as easily as drawing breath...

This was not the first time that Mouse had witnessed the power of a Channeler, certainly, nor was it the first time that she had seen it used to defend a Warder, or trainee as this case may be. She had seen it before and far deep in her mind, she knew it.

However, she would not be running this time.

Even had it not happened so fast as it had seemed to, there was no way that Mouse could have broken in to assist. She had no Bow and moving into the arena of combat would only have caught her on fire as well and then she would have been even more useless. Yet, even so, it had happened quickly... yet also slowly.

It was strange how that worked.

When the body, or its remnants, collapsed in to the pile they were, Mouse stood and stared for a moment. (It was the first time she'd seen a body dismembered quite so.) A feeling of intense illness began to wash through her as she realized what she saw, and smelt with her keen senses and she scrambled to re-take the Void and remove herself from it.

Training, and the something more, tumbled into place and she turned to Lucan. (It was no hardship to turn away from the sight.) She looked at Jip and then Lucan again. Are you okay? she signed simply, asking Lucan, asking Jip, asking both, neither, and herself.


Jip blocked the Gaidin's sword as he struck at Jip's bowels, he could see Mouse had drawn her dagger and that gave him reassurance, not that any of them really had a chance against a Gaidin.

However that was before Lucan attacked, Jip's eyes were as wide as his face, there were no words to describe what he was feeling as Lucan through fire from his hands and burned their attacker to nothing.

Jip had never seen the one power used as a weapon before and he was powerless to do anything but stand in horrified silence and see the Gaidin die his silent death.

It was worse then any nightmare Jip had ever had, the remains of the Gaidin's body collapsed to the floor, Jip felt sick, he was trembling and even when he closed his eyes the sight was there branded on the inside of his eyelids. Fear overwhelmed him, tears came to his eyes a thousand feelings, all negative came into his mind. Courage is fear when its said its prayers, courage is fear... Jip recited in his head feeding the words to the flames desperately seeking the void.

It came finally and his feelings were locked out, he stopped trembling and his eyes went cold, rather then wild with fear as they had been before. He saw Mouse sign but made no answer, there was none he could make because he truly did not know.

He took a small step, hardly noticeable, but one that put him in between Mouse and Lucan, a protective gesture.

The rest of that awful day was spent trying to stay out of trouble, Lucan had to go back to the infirmary, there had been an explosion in the tower and many where injured, Jip and Mouse were sent to prepare for a possible invasion of whitecloaks, the day was filled with fear and the night was worse.

Jip never did find out how he managed to fall asleep, when sleep had eluded him the last two nights, how he managed to relax his guard enough for Mouse to be taken, but he never forgave himself...

My dear friend Jip.

There is something I need to tell you, I just don't know how. Therefore, I write this note to you, and leave you to read it once you wake up. It's kind of messed up, I know, but Lucan will be protecting me from this point on. I cannot be with you anymore.

I'm really sorry to break it to you this way. I've been thinking about this for a while, and I don't think that this relationship is going to work out with us. I apologize, because I'm honestly, truly sorry. Oh, Jip, the relationship will not work out, because I am beginning to develop feelings towards you - while I already love another.

I just don't know what to do right now, beyond making it easier for me - by leaving you.

With every step we take, we are forced to be together. Just like each step I take forces you to follow me, the same applies for me. Against my very will it seems, I move along a path I don't want to venture. Where is the girl I use to be? So honest if not open; I'm nothing but a shadow of what I once was. I'm scared now. The horrors of the past few days make me feel ashamed. I hate myself because of it. I would hate myself more if I fell in love with you too.

I would kill myself if something happened to you, because of me.

I know I may sound selfish... but even though matters like this should be handled face-to-face, I do not have the courage to do that. Besides, my true love - Lucan - would be around, and he does not take kindly to us being together.

I do not even know if you feel the way I do. You are just a too nice of a person to be around me, while I cannot give myself wholly to you. You don't really know who I am, I might do something really stupid behind your back, since my feelings for Lucan grow stronger every day. I didn't really realize that I loved him until he protected me from the Warder in the Library.

Please don't hate me, for I don't truly know my feelings right now. I'm just figuring out myself, and please - if you turn bitter - don't go around spreading stuff about me that isn't true. I know how some do things like that, but what I have learned about you makes me trust you. Do not go looking for me either, because I am safe where I am - in Lucan's care.

Farewell. My sweet protector.

Mouse

Jip was torn, he half believed the letter but still believed Mouse was in danger, he ventured out and sought the help of some trainees who were waiting for morning exercises, Hex and Tean, old friends of Geano's were leading the exercies and demanded to know what Jip wanted. Jip tried to explain several times, but the sounds of battle were starting and every person there wished to go and protect their home.

Knowing the chnce of help was small Jip decided to explain everything he knew in a hope of gaining their support...

They're not going to help you the thought held no emotion but if it had done it would have been something close on despair. He nodded at Vergil's words, nothing showing on his face, and again at Hex, Tean might have decided to let the past lie but from Hex's tone it seamed he did not hold the same view point. Something close to annoyance joined the other emotions outside the void.

A clatter of noise, some stone clattered into the yards, from the battlements. Jip struggled for a moment to maintain the void, Hex spoke again, he was right! They had to make their minds up quickly, and move.

They wont help you! You will have to explain everything or you will have to find Mouse yourself. He took a breath and began, speaking quite quickly, they did not have a lot of time.

"Three nights ago Mouse was attacked by a Dedicated who was pretending to be Lucan, he had wrote her a note, in Lucan's handwriting," Jip's brow creased in puzzlement for a moment, "Lucan knew nothing about it," that had been clear enough from what he had heard of their conversation in the library. But Mouse had been certain the letter had been from Lucan, Jip bit his lip. The letter he had from Mouse, he was certain it was her hand writing, he saw it a lot.

"Then the night before last, me and Mouse were attacked, she had asked me to stay with her," he explained in the same hurried tone, his brain still frantically thinking. If the letter from Lucan had been fake could it be possible that this letter was also fake. There had been a lot of rumours of things not being as they seamed, including dead bodies of those who were not dead, if the Black Ajah, Aric Asha'man had confirmed it was the Black Ajah, though it had been pretty obvious before hand, could fake bodies then of course they could easily fake notes.

"We were attacked by the exile Geano," the void wavered slightly again, but he managed to remain in control, "then yesterday just after the explosion we went to meet Lucan, the three of us were attacked again by Malakh Gaidin, Lucan killed him," it was strange to say that so emotionlessly, Jip really did dislike the void. Still it was best to explain things without the emotions attached, or he would never be able to explain.

Lucan had killed Malakh, saving him and Mouse, proof again Lucan had not been connected to the Dedicated who had tried to kill Mouse. "Then I woke up this morning and found Mouse gone, and a note in her place, saying she was with Lucan," if the note was real that was, "So I need to find Lucan, if the Infirmary is where he usually is that's where I will go. Hopefully Mouse will be with him, if the note is real," and if not, if the note was a fake, then they would be back at square one. But Lucan in the Infirmary was the only idea he had, and so it was best to start there, "I could do with help, in case she's not there, but if you wish to stay here that fine..." he trailed off awkwardly, his throat was slightly sore. He did not think he had ever spoken so much in his entire life. He stood still souless and waited.

Spien, Jamelia and Daeric all agreed to help him, Vergil went off to the walls and Geano and Tean stood shocked that there old companion, who had caused them such disgrace was also a darkfriend. They had to find him, and kill him, it was a point of honour, a forgiveness was achieved all round between the two friends and Jip and Jip took his small group off knowing he would probably never see the two Sa'Ji'alantin again. He didn't, the two of them along with a thiefcatcher they had asked to help them died that day in the warder yard. Fighting Geano and a couple more darkfriends, Vergil Brighteyes was the sole survivor of that small battle.

Jip, Spien, Jamelia and Dearic of them went to the infirmary to find Lucan who claimed to have a tar'angreal that could find Mouse, they followed him through a gateway where he turned into a semblance of the Gaidin he had killed and burst through the doors, the four of them followed.

Lucan dissapeared through the gateway, and Jip was but a step behind him, he vagualy noticed Jamelia, Spien and Daeric following behind, and relief rushed to wait outside the void, he did not know why but had half expected them to leave him and Lucan, but they had followed them both to, well Jip wasn't exactly sure where they where.

It was still the Tower, Jip could tell that much, he could still hear faint sounds of battle coming from the holes, where the windows should have been. It was a study of some kind, Jip supposed, except it was in disarray, and pretty much empty. Snow was coming in from the shattered windows. What happened here? The thought was calm, though apprehension hovered outside the void. Jip kept following Lucan, who somehow was tracking Mouse through a bracelet. Jip did not understand how that could be so, but he did not really understand the Power at all, so he just took Lucan's word for it.

They stepped through a door, into another, empty study, this had been obviously stripped of belongings. "Though the signal is faint," Lucan was saying, Jip glanced at him, with emotionless eyes, did that mean that Mouse may not be here?

Lucan continued walking however, to a large iron door at the far end of the study, Jip did not pause, it seamed this way was not exactly accurate, but it was better then anything else.

Then Lucan changed, beyond their very eyes, into Malakh, Jip's step faltered, the void wavered. Had they been tricked, what was this? Then he spoke, and it was Lucan's voice, Jip regained the void. Malakh was dead! This must be some trick of Lucan's, Jip silently berated himself for being so stupid.

Concentrate! Lucan was speaking, about distracting and making them near invisable. Before Jip could get his head round what was being said, or open his mouth to make any response Jamelia, Spien and Daeric disappeared. The void wavered again, until he realised they were still there, the air wavered a bit when they moved. He supposed he was under the same cover. The power again!

"Follow me now," again Jip did not hesitate, he stepped up to Lucan, as the dedicated pushed the iron door open, into the scene of horror beyond.

Everything happened too quickly for anyone to do anything about it, but at the same time, time seamed to slow, that everything seamed to happen in slow motion.

At first Jip was seeing the room through the dusky light that comes when you step into a dark place from outside, it was the smell that hit him first, death. By the time Jip had stepped into the chamber, Lucan was half way across, running towards a table, or desk, on the far side. There was a chanting, repeated words coming from three voices, together perfectly. These were all things Jip's mind took in as he stepped into the room. It took only a few seconds, as well as the three chanting there were one other in the room, not including Lucan, and Mouse!

"Mouse, you must flee," Lucan's voice, Jip had started into the room, Lucan's bracelet power had worked! There was a small exploding sound, Jip stopped in his tracks, turned to see Spien fall. Another explosion. The void vanished completely. Jip almost staggered with the soar of emotions.

Horror, guilt, fear, but mostly horror, indescribable horror. Everything was blurry, but the lines, that had, exploded, Spien disappeared, "Now Mouse, go!" Lucan's voice cut over the chant, and a blur sped past Jip. Mouse!

Light, bright and shining, it was a person, and they lit up the room, in all its horror. Sickness flooded him, bodies, around the room, without the void the smell was worse, or was that just because he now knew where it came from.

Explosions, the table seamed to burst apart. Somewhere in all this confusion Jip had managed the draw his sword, the line things on the floor that had killed Spien, and his mind didn't even want to think of that, had disappeared. His mind was split, he had came here to rescue Mouse, and she had escaped, he wanted to go after her, to make sure she got to safety, she would be so scared! But yet, Lucan was in danger. He needed help!

Then all like that his mind was clear, it wasn't the void, his emotions were still there, fear screaming, tears running down his face. But his mind had cleared, he had to act, and he had to help Lucan. He had seen Lucan's powers, to a extent, knew he was dangerous in his own right, but there were four others in the room. Including...

Malakh! But no! He was dead! Jip had seen him die! He had burnt! Jip was surprised he could see for tears, but he ignored them, ignored everything, except getting to Lucan. He ran across the room towards him.

Lucan saved them all, apart from Spien who was past saving, he opened a gateway and they stepped through ending up many leagues from the tower. What followed was a freezing journey through ice and snow, as fast as they could run, eating what Jip and Jamelia could bring down with their bow, being revived by Lucan, knowing that way they could run to their deaths without noticing. Jamelia sought the help of some wolves and it was them that led them when the snow and fog became to thick to see through. It seemed endless but they reached the tower in the end, to the sound of battle, in the square of the city the Battle of Lights may have ended but the battle against the shadow was just beginning.

They fought, as frozen and exhausted as they were they had to fight or die. The found Mouse once again and helped her in bringing down Poderio the servant of the main shadowsworn. But she was still in danger. Before the eyes of her friends she was plucked into the air and taken towards the new museum building, where Lycos stood on the roof throwing his power into the square below, confident of his victory.

Jip ran after her along the ground, whilst Lucan ran above the heads of the combatants across a bridge of air. Jip reached the museum just before a gateway opened and trollocs swarmed the square, cutting his friends off from him, Jip preceded along, up the stairs which started to shake...

The void was gone, courage is fear when it has said its prayers, courage is fear when it has said its prayers no matter how many times Jip recited the words that Caden Gaidin had taught him, the ones which had helped him get into the void ever since he learnt how to in the first place. But not today, his emotions had completely overtaken him, there was no calm. Monsters were swarming through his home, his friends were fighting shadowsworn and the person he had promised to protect had been captured, it was not a situation which made calmness easy.

He gave up on trying to reach the void and instead concentrated on his aim, to find Mouse, as he climbed up the steps. Fear screamed in his head making him see things that weren't there, and jump at the sounds of the battle outside.

He had hardly climbed three steps before the entire building shuddered. Fear nearly overtook him but he didn't make a sound, partly because of his training but partly because he was good at being silent, even when he was afraid. The shaking didn't stop and wild thoughts flew around Jip's head, remembering the explosion the day before. Was this another, bigger explosion. Was the entire building about to fall down, Jip was trembling but he climbed quicker, almost crawling by the time he got to the top, just to keep his balance, as it seamed to Jip, strange though it seamed the staircase itself was moving. He was sure he was imagining it, it was just the shaking, and his fear, but it still made him climb quicker.

The building was tall, not as tall as the Tower, which was the tallest building Jip had ever seen in his life, but still taller then most buildings he had seen before coming to the Tower, so it took quite a while.

He came up out onto the roof, where he had last seen Mouse being taken towards, and into chaos.

The roof was split, Jip's eyes widened as he realised this was the effect of the shaking he had felt. Jip's eyes found Mouse first and his second glance across the split in the roof found Lucan running towards the shining figure, who was the same figure who had been in that room they had found Mouse in the first time. Who is he! The thought was desperate and ignored as Jip rushed towards Mouse, as he glanced back towards the shining figure and Lucan they had gone, engulfed by fog. Jip tensed expecting the fog to cover him and Mouse but it did not.

"M...Mouse" Jip whispered, he doubted Mouse could hear him over all the noise but his sword was in his hand so he could not sign.

His eyes continued darting around the roof, he froze staring in horror, his brain was barely taking in what was happening. He couldn't make himself move. Until he heard Lucan's voice faintly from the fog. "They are the source of his power, strike them down!"

'They' were who had made Jip freeze, the void was a million miles away and Jip's emotions were clear on his face. Tears poured down his cheeks. Chained to the chimney were a group, fourteen Jip counted, the counting was subconscious more to distract him from what he was seeing then anything else. They were all younger then Jip, though it was hard to tell, they were so... Jip didn't actually have a word in his vocabulary to describe what he was seeing. Disgust, sadness and an overwhelming anger; anger at whoever had done this. Jip's mind was not taking it in, it couldn't. What had Lucan said, these were somehow the source of the shining mans power.

Trembling so much he could hardly walk Jip moved his way over his vision blurred in tears, he did not, could not look over at Mouse, or he would break down completely.

He knew he had to somehow stop the prisoners from channeling, or from the shining man from taking there power, he knew next to nothing about the power, or as much to next to nothing he could know living in the Grey Tower, but he did know he would have to make these captives unconscious. He hoped Mouse would have worked it out as well, because he could not speak, no words would come, he could not sign, couldn't remember anything, only tears and fear remained.

Still the void wouldn't come, and truth be told he didn't want it. He didn't want to be soulless; it wasn't fair. He couldn't hurt these people; they had been hurt so much already. It was wrong; violence to defend himself and his friends was one thing, this violence. This was wrong.

He felt sick, he had to act, he knew what he had to do, his arms didn't want to move. Do it Jip, Lucan needs you to do this. You have to protect Lucan! he took a step forward, monster, how will you do this, look at them, they cannot defend themselves, what have you became! He paused sick at himself.

He blinked, he could not see for tears, he stumbled slightly before something took over. It was not the void, that was far out of reach, more it was just all the training he had had since coming to the Tower. He had duties here, he was Mouse's sworn protector, he had promised to protect her, and Lucan was a channeler, he had a duty to protect him too, even drin'far'ji knew that, it was the first thing you learnt.

The only way he could help Lucan was to do this, monstrous, action, and so it had to be done.

The pommel of his sword, the only thing hard enough came down on the first captives head, Jip winced as he did it, the tears had not stopped, and his sobs came freely. It was a blur but one by one the captives fell unconscious. It was all Jip could do not to throw up.

Not that he had time, he had barely turned his tear stained face towards Mouse when the world exploded. Whatever it was Jip couldn't see it properly, he assumed it was made by the power, not that he had time to think. Building exploded, he lost sight of Mouse as he was flung backwards, still he didn't scream, his eyes, if anyone had seen them, did the screaming for him. He felt pain, lots of pain, and then his sight went dark.

Jip's part in the fighting was done, Lucan killed Lycos with Mouse's help and in the square the shadow was defeated and killed, but Jip witnessed none of that, he woke up later, much later in hospital where he slowly pieced together the story, was reunited with Mouse and slowly came to terms with what he had done, he had killed fourteen innocent people, knocked them unconscious so they were powerless to the onslaught of power afterwards. He was a murderer. No longer could he claim to have only used violence in the defence of his life, but he had murdered.

The tower saw his actions a little differently of course and three days afterwards, days which had been filled with repairing and cleaning, he was among others awarded a ribbon for warding. It was an honour he did not want, a deed he did not want to think of.

It had been three days, it seamed longer and yet it seamed that the events were still happening. After speaking to Mouse and Damon he had been healed, then let out of the infirmary the day after. The last two days had been awful, the Tower had to be cleaned up, as did the square everything was in chaos, everyone was frightened, including Jip. He had helped with the reparations almost numbly still shocked about how much damage had been caused, even though he had lived through the events he was still finding it difficult to believe they had happened.

He had however managed to find Garren and Jamelia in among all the chaos, both were unharmed and alive, and that was some hope to hang on to.

This morning they were all gathered in the warder yards in rank stood waiting for the Master of Arm's to speak. After they had shouted their greeting a hush had spread over the yards. They were here to remember the fallen, those that had given their lives to stop the shadow taking their home.

The list was tragically long, and Jip knew many of the names called out, some better then others, some for longer then others, but he had known them, trained with them, ate with them, and now he would never see their faces again.

He stood to attention in the line of Ji'alantin among all the members of the yards and stood in silence remembering and honouring the fallen.

Hex and Tean, Jip had hoped beyond hope that the two of them had survived, but it was not so. Jip had spent most of his life terrified of them two, and of Geano, but in the end he had realised that the two of them had been as frightened of Geano as he was.

He had known, as they had known when they had left him in the yards to go after Geano that they would not survive the confrontation, a part of Jip's mind told him he should have stopped them, though another part told him that nothing he could have done would have deterred them from their decision. Tears filled his eyes as he remembered the last time he had seen them, with the sound of battle in the distance, the anger and determination in their eyes. He would remember them always, not as the bullys who had made his life as a drin'far'ji miserable but as the two brave men that they had became. Braver then Jip could ever be.

It didn't matter that he was crying, he wasn't the only one, everyone had lost friends the last week.

Another name that had been called out had been no surprise, for Jip had seen Spien fall. He had known the drin'far'ji for a very short time but thought he was a friend of Jamelia's, he was another brave one. He had not known Jip and he had not known Mouse, but still he had followed Jip and Lucan down to that chamber, where Mouse had been held, and he had been killed. The memory of that made Jip feel sick and guilty, guilty more then anything.

I'm so sorry Spien tears were comming again, it seamed like all the tears he had forced away the last few days, when he had to concentrate on staying alive, all those tears seamed determined to fall in these three minutes, and Jip wondered if he would ever stop crying. He should not have taken Spien with him, or Jamelia or Daeric for that matter, his mentee and the soldier had survived, but they had seen so much, and endured so much, the flight through the mountains had been hard on them all. He should not have asked for their help.

There were many more and Jip remembered them all and then the three minutes were over.

"At ease," as one the yard relaxed slightly and stood still silently, waiting for the Master of Arms to speak anew. Jip watched the front through his tears and heard that they were also honouring the living. The first name that was called was someone Jip knew, a friend, of sorts, who had helped Jip in the weak before, when he had broken down.

It seamed so strange that that had been only a week ago, a week ago and it had happened to a different Jip, Jip couldn't even remember what he had done to make himself so upset, for since then he had done so much worse, he had done things that a week ago he could not even have imagined.

Damon had reached the front and Jip moved his head slightly so he could see. He had heard of what Damon had done, through Mouse and through Damon himself. Someone, one of the shining mans people Jip assumed, had tried to kill Mouse and Damon had rescued her and managed to capture the attacker. Damon was brave as well, and Jip was glad that the Tower had such people in it, and even more glad and surprised that he could call such people friends.

The next to be called was another brave friend of Jip's, and Damon's son, Dwillon. Jip had known Dwillon for a long time since they had first sparred in the sword together. He had not seen him since that night outside the band of brothers inn, where he had saved Jip by throwing stones at Geano, an act so simple and one that Jip had not thought of.

Listening to the Master of Arm's list what Dwillon had done Jip found he was not surprised, Dwillon was brave and clever. He had protected channelers and been injured, and then had gone on to fight in the Battle of Lights and saved his father Damon. Dwillon was so brave as well.

"For the Ribbon for Warding with Gold Shield! We call Jip Ji'alantin!" Jip froze at the sound his name, staring into nowhere in disbelief. The Ji'dar next to him poked him on the shoulder which made Jip jump, but he moved.

He walked up to the front his eyes to the ground staring in disbelief, he hadn't done anything. He had promised to protect Mouse but then managed to loose her. Lucan had been the one who rescued her. He had played no part in the Battle of lights. He had dragged Jamelia, Spien and Daeric into danger, which had resulted in Spien being killed.

He came to stand before the Master of Arm's his eyes on the Gaidin's boots. He stood trembling as the Master of Arm's spoke.

Jip's eyes filled with tears once more as he heard why he was recieving such a ribbon. Once again he was on the roof his sword pommel crashing down on innocent heads. He started trembling, what he had done was aweful, it had not been brave, he had just done what Lucan had told him. It made him sick to remember, it was a bad thing he had done. Despite what the Master of Arms was saying.

He was trembling badly as the Master of Arms pinned the ribbon on his chest and spoke to him.

"You struck them down. You did not kill them. That crime lies upon the dead serpent's head." More tears came to Jip's eyes, so they had died, no one had been able to answer him that. Despite what the Master of Arms was saying he felt like he had killed them, he had knocked them out, and now they were dead, and they had been innocent, and most had been children, "What you chose to do, was exactly the choice I presented when you were a Drin'far'ji. For either you realise that violence is an instrument wielded for justice, or you decide that violence should not be wielded at all. You understood that justice would be served. It was such a time, and you knew. You knew when to act."

Jip remembered that day, so long ago now, when he had been a drin'far'ji, stood exhausted and filthy, in front of the Master of Arms deciding that he would learn to wield violence for justice. Could it be that he had learnt? Was hurting those fourteen justice, no matter what he was told Jip knew he had killed them, he had injured innocent people.

He walked back to his place among applause his head bowed and tears running down his face.

Months past and Jip, along with the rest of the tower, rose from the ashes of that week Jip was promised to Isabel Trimak a young accepted, then raised to Gaidin. He did not sleep, for sleep brought memories, memories of deeds he'd rather forget. However sometimes it was good to mourn, as the building of the memorial garden symbolised. Through all his life Jip would remember that week vividly, hope that the shadow would never nearly destroy all he held dear again, in his memories and thoughts he named it: the week the world went mad.

Three months it had been and at times it felt like the events of that winters week were but a very bad dream, so far away that only the nightmares and memories remained. At other times, usually when Jip had woken from a nightmare, or on the many nights he had lay awake too frightened of what awaited him when he closed his eyes, it all seamed like it had happened yesterday.

Jip walked into the memorial garden silently passing the Master of Arms on the way out, Jip raised his head slightly, to glance at Caden Gaidin's face briefly, there he saw, though he was not sure if he imagined it, a faint smile. A rare thing to see of the Master of Arms face, and a rare thing to see today of all days, three months since the battle of lights. It left Jip slightly puzzled, pondering.

The memorial gardens were quite busy, everyone had come to pay there respects and to remember, though Jip knew everyone had spent the last three months trying to forget, the battle of lights and what had come before.

Slowly Jip walked over to the statue that had been newly made to honour the memory of Masaryk Jan, a soldier who had been made a martyr the day of the explosion. It had been days afterwards that Jip had heard about how the soldier had commited suicide in order to warn the tower.

Jip hung back until the crowd of people round the statue had abated a little before stepping forwards to read the inscription.

IN THE LIGHT, HERE STANDS

MASARYK JAN THE MARTYR

WHOM WILL BE REMEMBERED

FOR HIS ALTRUISTIC ACT

UNTIL THE END OF THE THIRD AGE

AND FOREVERMORE

Jip moved away as soon as he had read it, as there were others behind him, and even now, now he was fully raised and had been at the Tower a long time, he did not feel comfortable being in crowds of people.

He moved off a little to sit down, and his thoughts wandered, and today he let them, it was a day for remembering, and even though Jip remembered in his nightmares every night they were quashed memories beaten away as they came up. Today was a day to think, as well as to remember and honour those who died, properly without throwing their memories away because they were painful.

More people entered the memorial garden, it was getting too crowded for Jip to be comfortable but here where he was sat it was all right. The last time Jip had seen so many people just stood in one area of the tower was the birching ceremony, back when that terrible weak- Jip did not know exactly how long it had all gone on for, the days had merged into one and the nights had been long, began.

Jip remembered that day, and the night before when Geano had first attacked them outside the Band of Brothers, the night when everything had started and the world, at least the worlds of those living in the tower had been turned upside down. Remembering the day after, how upset Jip had been, his hatred for violence, it all seamed rather silly to Jip now. Not the hating violence, that he still felt and would always feel, but the fact he had felt that night had been so bad the fact he had been so scared that night, it seamed childish now, because things had gotten so much worse.

This martyr Masaryk Jan was not the only person that was being remembered and honoured today, many others had died in the battle of lights and before. More even then people mourned today, because no one would mourn the wicked ones, no one would remember them or lay flowers in their memories, and rightly so. Even Jip with his hatred of killing, of violence would not remember them, except for in his nightmares.

Many had died and everyone mourned them collectively, but everyone also mourned individuals, those they had known personally, those who were friends, even if very briefly.

Spien's face came to mind first, a drin'far'ji Jip had barely known until three months ago, one of his mentees friends, though if she had known him for long was unknown to Jip. Jip still felt guilt, as it was him that had asked Spien to help him find Mouse, who had led him to the chamber, where he had died.

Tears filled Jip's eyes as he remembered; Spien had died before the battle of lights, saving Mouse. Hex and Tean's faces swam into view in his tears also, they were, well friends of a sort, though the three of them had only made peace, what Jip could only guess had been about an hour before the two had died, fighting Geano, one who would not be remembered today.

Jip had been frightened of Hex and Tean most his time at the Tower, and yet they had changed since they were bullying drin'far'ji, when Geano had been exiled the two had changed, but Jip had not seen that until the end, and now it was too late.

Tears were spilling down his cheeks as other names came to mind; many people who he knew from the yards had been killed in the battle of lights, so many names missing as the yards trained once more.

In the three months since the battle of lights Jip had been raised, and now wore the fancloak, and on that day three months ago many who should have also become Gaidin had died, to save their home.

Jip's knees were crunched up to his chest as he sobbed silently, he did not worry about crying here, as he was not the only one. He remembered the last ones the circle he had taken out on the roof, the fourteen men and women, children really, deformed by the shining man, Lycos, Jip had learnt later his name was, the man who had tried to bring down the tower. Who Lucan had defeated. Lucan who had told Jip to knock out the fourteen in the first place. Jip knew none had survived the blast on the roof and he felt, guilt once more, he couldn't help thinking that even chained they would have had a better chance then unconscious. He mourned for them too, though he did not know their names, they would all be reborn in the light.

The Tower it seamed had been like a tower of ghosts the last few months, names mentioned in passing followed by awkward silences as people remembered they were no longer here, places avoided because of the memories. This memorial garden would help the tower, and the statue that reminded everyone of not just Masaryk Jan's sacrifice but of all who had died that week, and honoured their memories.

Like many others Jip sat for a long time, long after his sobs subsided and the tears dried off his face and remembered.