Fanfic:For What Was, What Is, and What Will Be
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Amora entered the chamber far beneath the White Tower, escorted by the Mistress of the Novices. The domed room had been carved out of the bedrock of Tar Valon. The light from the lamps on tall stands reflected off of the pale, smooth stone walls. Centered under the dome was the three arched ter'angreal, fabled among the Novices. The three silver arches were just tall enough to walk under, sitting on a thick silver ring with their ends touching each other, all as one piece. Inside the light flickered oddly, causing her to feel nauseated if she looked at it too long. Where the arch touched ring, and Aes Sedai sat cross-legged on the bare stone floor, staring at the silvery construction. Another stood by, beside a plain table on which sat three large silver chalices. All three were filled with clear water.
All five Aes Sedai wore their shawls, --- for the Mistress of the Novices, yellow for the woman at the table, green, brown, and blue for the three around the arches. Amora could see on the other side of the arches that the blue shawl was worn by Sarine Sedai, her heart lifted at the sight of a familiar face. But Sarine was deep in concentration as she started at the ter'angreal. Amora eyed her white Novice dress in comparison to the seemingly grand dresses the Aes Sedai wore. It seems like only a short while ago when I first came to the White Tower. She thought to herself as she wearily eyed the three arches. I hope I am ready for this. The Mistress of the Novices stopped before approaching the chamber.
"This ter'angreal as you know, brings you face-to-face with your greatest fears. No one will ask you what you have faced; you need tell no more than you wish. Every woman's fears are her own property." The Mistress of the Novices said ceremonially. Amora though briefly about her fear of Whitecloaks after meeting Child Zhan, and her fear of heights, but worried that there was something she could fear more. Concern spread across her face at the thought of stepping through the arches and finding herself on an edge at Dragonmount. The Aes Sedai's voice broke her concentration as she began to speak. "Are you ready child?" Amora nodded in agreement.
"Very well then. Two things I will tell you now that no woman hears until she is in this room. The first is as follows. Once you begin, you must continue until the end. Refuse to go on, and no matter what your potential, you will be very kindly put out of the Tower with enough silver to support you for a year, and you will never be allowed back." Amora hesitated, she hadn't thought about what would happen if she refused. She made a determined face, and the Mistress of the Novices continued. "Second. To seek, to strive, is to know danger. You will know danger here. Some woman have entered and have never returned. If you will survive, you must be steadfast. Falter, fail, and . . ." Her silence was more eloquent than words. "This is your last chance, child. You may turn back now, and you will have only one mark against you. It is no shame to refuse."
Amora looked back at the arches, the light no longer flickered; they were filled with a soft, white glow. She loved Jaisen. And the only way she could bond him to be her Warder was to pass through these arches, and eventually hold the Oath Rod in her hands. She thought of him, how proud he would be when he found out that she had become Accepted. Amora straightened her back proudly. Her white Novice dress could have looked like a gown fit for the daughter'heir the way she stood, ready for whatever she must face. I must do this, for Jaisen.
The Mistress of the Novices started slowly into the chamber. Amora walked beside her. As if that were a signal, the Yellow sister spoke in loud, formal tones. "Whom do you bring with you, Sister?" Sarine Sedai and the two Aes Sedai around the arches continued watching the ter'angreal.
"One who comes as a candidate for Acceptance, Sister," The Mistress of the Novices replied just as formally.
"Is she ready?"
"She is ready to leave behind what she was, and, passing through her fears, gain Acceptance."
"Does she know her fears?"
"She has never faced them, but now is willing."
"Then let her face what she fears."
The Mistress of the Novices stopped, two spans from the arches, and Amora stopped with her. Amora knew what to do. Staring ahead, she slipped off her Novice dress, stockings, shoes, then . . she paused, fingering her rings. First she slid off her House ring, then her Personal ring, bearing her sigil, and tossed them carefully on top of the pile of clothing. The floor felt cool under her feet, she could feel the seams in-between each stone on the floor. Goosebumps picked up all over her body in the cool chamber, but she still stared ahead, into the arches.
"The first time," Cadrien said, "is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast."
Amora paused a second, checking if there was anymore to the ceremony before stepping through. When nothing else came, she took a deep breath and stepped through the arch and into the glow. It surrounded her, as if the air itself was shining, surrounding her, drowning her in light. The light was everywhere, all around her. The light was everything.
Amora's foot hit carpet as she finished her step through the arch. It felt soft beneath her feet, familiar. She looked up, down the hallway. She knew where she was, she was home.
Amora turned around to where she had come from, the arch was gone. All she could see were many doors leading from the main hallway, where she was standing. She knew that to her left was the Great Library, filled with all of the books the en'Damier family had been able to recover since the Trolloc Wars. She had spent much time in that room, looking up her ancestry.
The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
That voice, it seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere and once. She knew that she had to find her first fear, her fear of the past . . . Down the hallway she heard footsteps, and before she could do anything, their owner saw her.
"Mistress Amora!?" Amora turned to see who it was. It was Ilya, her nanny from childhood. Ilya stood, bed sheets in hand, staring at her. Ilya had brown curly hair and dark brown eyes that always seemed to know what you were up to. But she doubted that she was her first fear. "What are you doing here? I thought you . . . It doesn't matter, what matters is that you are back." A concerned look came into her eyes, those deep brown eyes. "You must come quick! Your parents . . . Master and Mistress en'Damier . . . you must come!" Amora nodded, and Ilya took her hand and led her down the hall.
Two right turns and one left later, they arrived outside of the Master bedroom. Muffled cries could be heard from inside. "Here, go see them. They have been worried sick, especially since Mistress Corrin left after you ran off with that Aes Sedai." A look of scorn moved Ilya's face for a moment before she left Amora standing here, a door away from her parents. Her stomach twisted in knots as she turned the handle.
" . . . Amora?" Her mother looked up from a wet handkerchief. Amora's father had frozen stiff in the pose of rubbing her back with his right hand and holding her hand in his left. They stared at her, tears streaming down their cheeks at the sight of her. Her mother, Liah en'Damier, sat on a finely carved wooden chair. Her gray silk dress slightly ruffled. Her dark brown hair was woven tightly on her head into braids, pearls hung from a string woven through. Her father, Telam en'Damier, stood wearing a long black suit. His black hair had wings of gray above his ears and his soft blue eyes seemed slightly red from crying. His gentle aged face still held the warm fatherly look she seemed to have always known.
"Mother? Father? . . " Tears welled up in Amora's eyes at the sight of her parents. She hadn't known how much she had missed them, nor how much they had missed her until this moment. She walked over to them, to hug them.
The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
She stopped in mid-stride. "Amora?" Her father said in amazement. "Is it really you? We were so worried about you. Corrin is gone too now, and Dorran. They went after you and the Aes Sedai to find you. We know that you were kidnapped, you would never leave us. How did you escape from the Aes Sedai? . . . Well it doesn't matter. Come and hug us, now that you are home." He smiled and waited for her to come to them, her mother's face lit up as well. But she didn't come to them.
"Mother, Father . . I wasn't kidnapped, I ran away." Tears streamed down her cheeks as she said those words. The her mother stood, shocked. And her father looked hurt. Amora's mother began to cry again.
The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
The arch appeared just to the left of her father. She had to go, had to leave them again. Amora's heart was breaking. "I have to go now, I can't stay. Please forgive me." Mistress en'Damier screamed.
"No Amora! We need you! Don't leave us again!" Her parents tried to reach to her, to hold her. But she stepped out of the way, her heart sunk, heavy as stone. She stepped through the arch, her stone heart crumbling. The last image she saw of her parents was her mother kneeling on the ground weeping and her father huddled around her.
Amora stepped through the same arch she had entered. Everything was as she remembered before, the chamber, the arches, the sisters, everything. But what had happened inside the ter'angreal still clung to her. She felt the weight of what she had done to her parents as heavy as if she were wrapped in iron chains.
The Yellow sister raised one of the silver chalices high and poured the chilling water over Amora's head. "You are washed clean of what sin you may have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, heart and soul."
The clear water made Amora shiver as it ran down her bare body. A small pool collected on the floor and seeped into the cracks beneath the stones.
The Mistress of the Novices motioned her to follow to the second arch, a look of relief showed clearly on her face. "You are doing well child. You came back, that means you are doing well. I hope you have enough courage to face what is to come."
"It was . . so real, so real. Was it?" Amora asked unsteadily as they approached the arch.
"No one knows child, no one knows. Some have come out bearing actual wounds taken from inside, others have been hurt badly inside and come out without a scratch. And remember, some never return. I believe that it is another world, like one you enter when you touch a portal stone. But whether it is real or not, the danger is real." They had reached the arch, and the glow surrounded them. Cadrien Sedai moved back, leaving Amora to stand alone before the arch.
"The second time is for what is. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Amora summoned up all of her courage before entering the arch. Some have never returned?
Amora stepped onto the platform before the Woman's Circle in Whitebridge with Dorran at her side. A shock ran through her body as she realized she was wearing a wedding dress. A cunning smile spread across Dorran's face. "Thinking of reconsidering, love? You shouldn't, remember what will happen to your friend . . ." Amora remembered, she remembered how Dorran had captured Jel'viendha with his army and said that the only way to keep her from being killed was to marry him. Her near-sister had fought bravely and killed many of his men, but in the end she had cried out, saying that it wasn't worth saving her. But Amora couldn't stand to know what Dorran would do to her.
The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
Amora turned and looked to her right. At the wall, gagged and bound and surrounded by several guards, stood Jel'viendha. She stood proudly, but with pleading eyes. Amora felt weak in her knees looking at her near-sister. How did this happen? How could he have found her and kept her from channeling? Five woman stood behind the guards, smiling. From behind her, Amora heard a laugh. She turned and saw who it was.
"Sister? I knew you always wanted to marry Dorran. He will make a fine husband, he's so . . . commanding. Always knows what he wants." Corrin chuckled, her breasts heaving as she laughed. She stood in a red and black dress, patiently watching her younger sister.
"Corrin? Corrin! You have to help me! I don't want to marry Dorran, I love Jaisen! Help me save my friend and we can go. You could come to the White Tower with me, to the Aes Sedai. You would be happy there, and you need their help. I know you can channel, please let me help you! If you just help me this once . . ." Amora trailed off as a slow smile appeared across her older sister's face. Corrin leaned in closer.
"I have a secret to tell you little sister . ." Corrin leaned in closer, to whisper in her ear. "You were right about one thing, and wrong about another. You were right that I can channel. But you were wrong, I don't need the White Tower's help. I have some new . . . friends." Corrin's eyes moved over to five woman standing behind the guards. They nodded when Corrin looked at them. That's how they got Jel'viendha!
"It's the Black Ajah Corrin, they aren't your friends!" Corrin chuckled again and smiled at Dorran, who smiled back.
"Oh my poor deluded little sister. You were always so blind to the world, locked up in your room or in the Library. Now it will cost you. You know how good I've always been at making new friends. Now it's time to pay the price. It's too bad the first friend you make ends up being used against you." Her smile seemed as cunning as a sake. "And after you marry, we are going to have some fun with the new toy my friends will share with me. It will help you . . . see our side of things." Corrin indicated to a small black rod held by one of the Black sisters who tapped it against her palm. They meant to turn her to the shadow using that ter'angreal!! It looked just like the oath rod! Terror filled every limb in Amora's bones.
"I will do as you say, just don't hurt Jel'viendha." Corrin smiled and patted Amora on the head like a puppy. Dorran pulled Amora close, an oily grin spread across his face and he felt her. "I have always wanted an obedient wife." His foul breath reeked as he spoke.
The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
Suddenly the second arch appeared. Amora didn't know what it was, but remembered that she had to walk through it. She had to. She pushed Dorran and ran to it. Amora could feel Corrin's shocked statement on her back. "You can't save her sister, if you want her to live you must do as I say. Running away won't help either . . ." Amora stopped a moment and looked at Jel'vienhda, tears welling in her eyes at the sight of her near-sister bound. Amora couldn't even think of what they would do to her when she left. As if reading her mind, Corrin shouted as Amora ran. "You have no idea what we will do to her Amora! Sister, we are going to have so much fun with her." Jel'viendha's screams were the last thing Amora heard before she stepped through the arch.
Amora burst into tears as she stepped through the arch. She was barely aware of the Aes Sedai in the chamber watching her. All she could think about was what fate she had left her near-sister to. She had abandoned her dearest friend to the Pit of Doom. It was almost as bad as the feeling that her sister had turned to the shadow, that it was her who was going to do it. She could still feel Dorran's slimy hands around her waist.
"You are washed clean of false pride. You are washed clean or false ambition. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul." Amora barely felt the water trickling down her body, even though it made her shiver. Jel'vinedha's last scream still rung in her ears. The Yellow sister stepped back and Cadrien Sedai took her arm. Amora gave a weary look at the Mistress of the Novices.
"It was bad, wasn't it child?" Amora nodded silently, unable to speak. I am so sorry Jel'viendha. Genuine concern showed in Cadrien Sedai's face. "I fear to tell you that the third arch is the worst one, the hardest one."
"What could be harder than leaving your near-sister to be tortured by your blood sister?" Cadrien Sedai shook her head.
"I don't know child, but I fear you will find out soon." Amora slumped and Cadrien Sedai spoke. "The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. You must be able to face what will come. Are you ready?" Amora nodded, awaiting the last words. "The third time is for what will be. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast." Amora looked longingly at the entrance to the chamber door, then to the third chalice. She stepped through the last arch and into the light.
The ground was littered with rubble. Tumbled grey stone columns, torn and half dissolved tapestries, splinters of wooden beams, and bones. Some half submerged in the ground and too buried to be unearthed. There was none save her and a dark figure in the distance.
Inside her mind, she wondered where that familiar presence had gone. Amora remembered how she had once gained it, in the ceremony, how happy she had been. The day she had held the oath rod in her hands she had become Aes Sedai was just a day before she assumed leadership of the Blue Ajah, a week before Nevelyn had asked her to be Mistress of the Novices and Soldiers of the Grey Tower. Years following, she had held Jaisen's head in her hands as an Asha'man raised to the Blue cord and bonded him. She guessed that figure in the distance was him. Strange she could not sense him in her mind. They would have to be closer together. She ran to him, leaping over unmarked graves.
The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
A cry of joy escaped her lips as she ran, her loose hair free to be blown in the breeze as she ran to him. As she jogged she saw his face. Something was wrong. Her smile turned to a worried frown as she came closer to him. Something was wrong.
Her run turned into a sprint as she ran. He needed her, she could anticipate it. His face was that of agony firmly held in check. She stopped when she reached him. He saw her and paused a moment. He stared into her eyes, his golden eyes made her want to sink into them. She longed to hold him as they had been parted so many years, longed to help in some way. But he held her back.
"Amora . . . you were dead." He visibly gulped. "I searched for you everywhere after the earthquake, after you vanished beyond the gateway. I only barely kept the madness at bay. We all thought you were dead. There was only Leanna . . ."
Tears streamed down her face. "How can I help husband? My love? How can I help you? What should I do?" she wailed. Amora did not want to admit that it was over. It was over a decade over. He had moved on.
"You can't." Amora came closer, but he held the shield between them. "Unless . . ." His tone was hopeful. " . . . you two could be sister-wives." Amora shook with fury. He wants both of us, both of us?? What does he think I am, his concubine? Tears welled up in his eyes. He knew too that their children had grown up. Was it too late to be a family again? "Amora, I love you." Amora turned and cried uncontrollably. Her stomach was twisted into knots and her knees threatened to collapse beneath her. How could they be married when he had found a new wife? How could she leave him? She had been dead to the world - only a damane to the Seanchan, someone else. She had died saving her family. And yet she lived, saved by that husband-stealer and Saphire - who was still an infant in Amora's mind. Amora flung one of her knifes from out of her sleeves and turned the handle so the blade faced her own chest.
"I would kill myself before making this choice." She couldn't live to see her life in ruins, it was better being someone else, it was better being dead. She took a deep breath . . .
The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
"NOOOOOOOO!!! AMORA!! NOOOO!!!!" Jaisen sprang to her, dropping his shield. He wrestled her to the ground and gripped the knife; both struggled to get control. How she longed to hold him, to kiss him. The knife slipped from her hand and the edge of the blade pointed up, his weight was too much for her to support. He fell on top of her. She felt it slip from her grasp before they hit the ground, her head banged painfully on the floor.
Amora felt herself drift . . . and drift . . . above the Pattern. At first she thought she had died and was free of this terrible choice. But below she saw what the Pattern had meant to show her. A million threads woven, dancing around each other, a handful fading there, a handful just beginning. She saw her own as clearly as she knew her name. It had parted from Jaisen's long ago. It was then she knew that they would never be together again. A calm certainty. It was the Wheel's will.
The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.
Amora's eyelids fluttered and she saw Jaisen's lovely face against the starry night sky. His golden eyes hung on her like a lost souls. "I love you, mashiara" he whispered, "please do not die on me again . . " Amora still wanted to die, if she wasn't already dead. But she drew herself up with all of her resolve, like a woman born again. Her eyes brimmed with tears, but a Dream could not be denied. She assumed all of the Aes Sedai serenity she could muster, all of her pride and dignity. Her face was as hard as a porcelain doll. "The Wheel wills it. Our threads parted long ago, Jaisen." There was nothing left for her. She willed herself to leave those haunting golden eyes. Amora had thought that feeling of betrayal of her near-sister would be the worst thing in the world. It was sweet sugar compared to how she felt now. But the pull of the Arch drew her. She stood and walked into the white light.
Jaisen's last words would echo decades later. "Please don't leave . . . " and he would be gone, again.
Naked, Amora stepped through the arch. Her face showing less emotion than an Aes Sedai's. She had no emotion, she felt nothing. Cadrien Sedai touched her shoulder and Amora turned to her. "I want to die."
"It is no simple thing to face your fears child. You did well. You came back. But there is always a price for gaining acceptance. Now come and get what you paid for."
Amora followed the Mistress of the Novices to a circle of Aes Sedai, it appeared that there were more now. The Amyrlin stood in her striped stole at the center of the circle. To her right and left stood a shawled member of each Ajah. They all watched Amora. She kneeled as she was instructed earlier to do in front of the Amyrlin.
Holding the last chalice, the Amyrlin let the chilled water flow over Amora's head. "You are washed clean of Amora en'Damier of Whitebridge. You are clean of all the ties that bind you to the world. You come to us washed clean, in heart and soul. You are Amora en'Damier, Accepted of the White Tower." She handed the chalice to the sister in White and drew Amora to her feet. Amora shivered as the Amyrlin slipped the Great Serpent ring onto Amora's finger. But she didn't shiver from the water.
