Fanfic:Dreams of Darkness
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Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering,
fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before[1]
It was darkness around him, not that total blackness that comes at night with your eyes closed, but dark enough that he could barely see the outline of his hand if he held it up to his face; but he couldn't even do that, he was trapped. He looked around himself, trying to adjust to that dim bluish light and finding it's source, it was as though it was everywhere at the same time, cloaking his surroundings in a strange dimness solely made up of nothing but shadows. It was unnaturally quiet, no wind was blowing, no floorboards were creaking and for a moment he was suddenly convinced that this entire place was nothing but shadows, including himself. It was only when his breath caught and he heard the increased thudding of the blood in his ears that he relaxed somewhat, he was still here, wherever that was. There was just a feeling to this place, a certain quality that nagged at his memory. It was the air, it had no particular feel, neither dry nor dusty, but a slight scent was hanging in the air, dark and heavy, like musk.
Suddenly there was a sound, soft slippered feet approaching.
"Hello Caith" And that voice was familiar too! He had an image of how those very words echoed into past nights in an never-ending limbo.
"I want to get out of here." Something tugged at his memory, the words he uttered were so familiar, how many times had he said them before?
"Why?"
"I don't like the dark"
She smiled, and caressed his cheek thoughtfully, he jerked away.
"But there is nothing to be afraid of here. In the dark." He struggled to remember, because he knew there was something wrong with what she had said. There was something to be afraid of, here, in the dark.
" . . .The Dark One" She laughed at his answer, like soft musical pearls, not condescending, only amused.
"Ah, a lot of people will say such things, but they've never been into the darkness to see what lies in there, and we all carry a seed of darkness with us." her finger was cool and unbelievably smooth against the sensitive skin just beneath his eye,??it felt as if her light touch sent a shiver trough his entire being, leaving it slightly unbalanced.
"We use it to bring in the light" she whispered softly. She was closer now, he squinted, but despite this he more sensed than saw where she was, a more dense darkness in contrast with the shadows.
"The dark, it's evil" he murmured, it felt as if his ability to think clearly was falling from his grasp, like sand trough his fingers, and with it the feeling of what was wrong with this place, this scenario, went.
"Is all dark so evil then? Hmm?" her hand slid from his face, down and around his narrow neck as she strolled languidly around him "What of the darkness of a mother's womb? Or the dark of sleep? Is it evil that surrounds you whenever you close your eyes?" Her voice slipped into his mind as perfumed oil??and made it difficult to think, there was something wrong with what she had said, something in her logic that??did not sound right. A shiver ran down his spine under the caress of her touch. Change the subject. Yes, he must change the subject.
"Why am I here?" She hadn't told him that before, he knew that now.
"You are a Ji'alantin young Cat" the voice was mild yet held a lecturing tone "and I am here to instruct you."
"Instruct me in what?"
"The truth." She paused "You see, Caith. They have been fooling you here, what they teach is naught but lies and fear of the Great Lord, they teach envy of his greatness"
"Revelin Sedai-"
"The Amyrlin is just as jealous and frightened of the Great Lord as the rest of them." Her voice cut his short with a snap. She was angry, and he had a distinct feeling that that could end badly for him. She paused for a moment, her soft hand tracing the outlining of his lips.
"In truth the dark is what the light quavering yearns for" her lips touched his ear and the smell that surrounded her, was it perfume?, made it difficult to think. It was musk, but something more and slightly elusive, barely distinguishable. Spicy and exotic, like oranges perhaps, but with a bite in it that no orange would ever have. It was both alluring and frightening. The scent of forbidden fruit.
"You should not fear the dark. Once you step into it, the softness of it will hold you, caress you, encircle you. Like a mother's . . .womb." her hands were resting softly on his chest and her lips were so close to his he could feel them brush his whenever she spoke "The light is harsh, and harmful to your eyes. It is only in the dark you will find the true heart of what you believe the light stands for." He looked at her, the only thing truly visible was a weak glint of light in her eyes, and he remembered.
"This is a dream." He was expectant, this would change it all somehow, his experiences told him so. Instead, things remained the same, the bluish light increased ever so slightly.
"Yes, this is a dream" she agreed conversationally, her hands made a slight gesture and suddenly a blazing light filled the chamber. He squeezed his eyes shut to try and avoid it, but the light did not leave him alone. It seeped into his eyes and turned the darkness into light. And then, there was pain, spreading trough his body as a bolt of lightening. He screamed but right trough his pain he could hear her quiet voice in his ear. It was as though she stood beyond it, the light, the pain, his piercing screams. Cool and unaffected her voice took hold of his mind and imprinted it's message.
"We have had this conversation night after night young Cat, yet you refuse to yield, and the moment you realised you were dreaming I have released you, allowed you to wake and forget" a hand grasped his hair and forced his head from his kneeling position, when had he been released? When had his legs crumbled? He didn't know.
"It is time you realised Caith that this," his eyes were forced open but he couldn't see anything beyond the stark, blinding, white light, "is everything you will ever achieve from the light" and then the light descended into his eyes, burning, searing. It mercilessly found it's way into every shadowy corner and filled it with lightening pain, tearing his body up from the inside, had he been able to he would've torn the skin of his body to rid himself of the painsoaked light.
"THIS ISN'T REAL, THIS ISN'T REAL!"
With a jolt Caith sat up in his bed, hands clasped over his eyes, and the echo of a female voice in his head.
"Only I can bring you solace" He slowly lowered his hands from his eyes and let them wander down his face, neck and chest and clutch his bedsheet.
"Light save me" he whispered hoarsely into the empty room. Slowly his heart stopped it's wild dance in his chest and his eyes adjusted to the darkness in the room. He lowered himself out of his bunk and looked into the mirror above the washstand. The light of predawn was gradually filling the room and birds were chirping merrily outside. He touched the skin beneath his eyes, it stung, as though irritated.
"It was just a dream" he told his mirror image firmly and splashed water into his face, it was approximately two hours before Early if he guessed right. He might as well stay up and do something useful, work on polearms forms, or give Deft her exercise. With two horses to care for, one a Warhorse in training, he seldom had any time for her- and he regretted that. Considering the amount of time he had on his hands, he'd probably have time for both activities. Maybe he'd wake Edwyn or Alyna to keep him company . . . No, he was being silly, besides what was there to be afraid of? Nothing, nothing at all . . . It was just a dream. But the light of morning felt cold and unforgiving and it stung in his eyes as he walked out from under the balconies and one ominous sentence still echoed in his head.
Only I can bring you solace. Only I can bring you Solace.
black waters, half in sleep, unmoving, unfathomable, in wait for me, their prey
. . .
Help, oh, help, what secret depths, that desire me![2]
The bluish omnipresent light was the same, but the room was different, and so were his trappings. He was strangely aware of everything, he knew that this was a dream and he remembered the earlier dreams, all of them. Indeed it was very different, and it turned his stomach to knots, whatever reason there was for this change, he knew there could come nothing good for it. He looked around, studying his surroundings. The queasy silence that had ruled his previous dreams were gone and replaced by something as strange as the feeling of echoes. There was no definable sound, but there was no silence either. A vast forest of white pillars spread out in every direction as far as the eye could see, except for where he himself stood chained in a sort of clearing between two small, grey pillars that could use some considerable repair. The chains encircling his arms felt cold against the bare skin of his upper body. They felt heavy and strangely slick, as if they were coated in oil. A few experimental tugs however proved them to be strong and unyielding, the rattle bounced of the pillars, and slowly dissapeared into the distance. And then he could hear her steps on the hard stone floor behind him, she was wearing boots this time instead of slippers.
"Hello Caith" She said stopping behind him. The smell of her perfume made it's way into his nostrils, filling his head with the scent that was purely hers.
"This is a dream" He responded, thinking furiously, there had to be a way out of this, there had to be!
"You do like to state the obvious, do you not?" he could almost hear the smile on her lips. "Whether this is a dream or not is of little importance for you, young Cat. This is my domain and here I rule as though I were the Creator" Her words made him shiver, he wasn't very religious, but the words she had just uttered was nothing but blasphemy.
"You lie" he said, trying to sound as stony as a warder twenty years bonded. She laughed at that.
"A liar am I? You should take care not to anger me Caith, everything that happens here happens to you in the waking world" She placed a hand at the base of his neck. "every wound you receive here" her hand tightened, nails digging in. "remains with you when you awake" her hand suddenly tore down trough his flesh, He drew a sharp breath of pain. He should be waking up, it should be just as pinching your arm. If you felt pain in a dream you woke up, if you knew it was a dream you'd wake up, but none of the normal rules of dreams appeared to apply. Everything remained the way it had been before. Solid. Real. "if you wake at all." For a moment silence reigned between them.
"Why do you keep bringing me to this . . .this place" he finally asked. She walked around him slowly, her back to his face.
"I have ears here and there and sometimes I pick up whispers . . .one voice whispered to me that the time of your testing is soon to be . . ." She twisted and looked at him over his shoulder,but her face was in shadows. " . . .and it would seem strange, a Warder without an Aes Sedai, no?" if his stomach had been knots before it turned to ice now.
"I'd never join the likes of you. Never!" he spat angrily. She smiled slowly at him. Like a predator ready for the kill.
"Do you think that you're the only one we've convinced of the truth this way? You're one extraordinary kitten, but I do believe that you still have some things to learn." He only glared at her silently, but inside he felt his worry increase.
"Tell me Caith, do you believe that if I bond you in your dreams, will we remain bonded when you awake?" her words made his tongue cleave to the roof of his mouth and an involuntarily shiver passed trough him. She laughed, low and throaty.
"But I prefer other ways to convince, and a . . .willing Warder is always preferable to one constantly forced" the suggestive tune in her voice made him worry that he might sick up.
"How is Vairen doing you think? You miss him still, even though you should have moved on." The innocent question made his breath catch in his throat, he could see a slow predatory smile form on her lips. She knew. He didn't answer, whatever he said wouldn't change the fact that she knew about what had transpired then. Suddenly the world around them blurred, and when it cleared they were someplace else, a small marble chamber. It had one large window over a stormy sea and a reddish sky with a setting sun.
"Did you ever think that those walking in the light would ever allow a love such as yours?" She was standing in a corner of the room, hidden in shadow. He walked to the window and gazed out. Her words cut right to the core of his fears and made his hands clench on the windowsill. What if anyone found out? What about if she knew about Edwyn and the . . .turmoil those hazelnut eyes caused in him?
"You are already . . .marked by the shadow by your very nature, it is in your blood, in your family in fact" he whipped around, anger in his green eyes.
"My family's got nothing to do with this, so keep them out!" He growled. She only seated herself in a chair that hadn't been there before.
"I would say your mother brought herself into this matter on her own accord"
"That is a lie. My Mother is a good person."
"Tut-tut, Caith, what did I tell you of calling me a liar? You wouldn't want to start our time together with an argument hmm?" Her smile deepened where she sat with her hands folded. "What do you know of your mother Caith? Before she came to that farm you call home" He opened his mouth to answer, and closed it again, a horrible suspicion slowly dawning on him.
"Nothing" her voice seemed to cut to the bone. "Not even her full name" He opened his mouth, wanting to protest but she kept on talking. "No one would blame you I suppose, it was a secret not even your 'father' knew. Though I am slightly disappointed in you, you're such a clever boy, you should have suspected something was wrong" He swallowed slowly, he knew he shouldn't ask, every word from her mouth was as vile poison, but he had to know. "What was her full name then?" She smiled, and slowly rose, he had walked into a trap he realised.
"You knew her as Mother, or Cara, but her true name was Caralaina Damordred and she was a Darkfriend"
"You're lying!" he spat angrily. "My Mother walked in the light! She was a good person! A Good Person!" She didn't even seem to hear his outburst. She simply stood looking at him for a moment, tapping her lips thoughtfully.
"It is a shame you didn't inherit your Father's eyes"
"What are you talking about? My Father has brown eyes" he said in a mixture of anger and confusion. The sudden change of topic was befuddling- She laughed again, a laugh that made him want to turn and run as far as he could in the opposite direction, but he couldn't. He was cornered here.
"Sixteen years ago your Mother rode into the farm Davram owned with a child in her arms. Now, your 'Father' was in pieces, for his beloved wife had died only months ago, yet for some strange reason he took the both of you in" she had slowly backed him into a wall as she spoke and stood leaning over him. "Strange no? That he should decide to marry so soon afterward, and just as strange how money seemed to exist where it was missing before, isn't it?" She paused for a moment and tapped her lips with a finger in a thoughtful manner once more "though I must say that those green eyes of your Mother still suits you quite well" It was as if his entire head was spinning helplessly, he wanted to hurl. And something inevitable was tugging at him, a question that had to be asked no matter what the consequences. The show must go on.
"And who was . . .my father?" The words came out in a pained whisper, she bent down and took a hold of his chin, forced his head upwards, made him look into her eyes.
"His name was Tavalm Damordred, and he was married to your mother. However, in a failed operation your Mother fell from the Great Lord's graces, and your Father chose to follow the path to greatness rather than share your Mother's failure. He also happened to choose a new companion, and lover" She paused for a moment estimating the timing before letting the blow fall "he looked a lot like you" Caith closed his eyes and let his head rest on the wall, doubling his hands into fists, it had to be a lie. It had to be!
"You're lying" he whispered, but he could hear the hollow sound of it ringing in his own ears.
"No, I am not" she murmured stroking his hair gently. "Look at me Caith. Look at me." He slowly he opened his eyes and looked at her, it was as if all that anger that had been raging inside him earlier had disappeared. Not broken but soft, and ready to be moulded, perhaps.
"Do you think anyone walking in the light would accept you as you are? You were born in the shadow, and it's time you returned to your rightful place." He leaned back once more and closed his eyes. He could feel the reality she had created slowly disappear around them.
"In the shadow you will find solace, and acceptance." And then she was gone.
"NO!" And he was back in the Tower in his own bed.
"It was just a dream" he whispered out in the dark and huddled together on the bed. Something on his back stung and when he reached back and felt his fingers came away wet and sticky.
"She was lying" he whispered urgently to the silent room, but the words echoed ominously hollow and desperate in his ear. Trough the window the harsh light of dawn began creeping trough.
"She has to be."
Of the dead on their backs, with arms extended wide,
I dream, I dream, I dream.[3]
"You cannot keep him from me forever, you know, this new toy of yours"
"He is not a toy he is-"
"The crucial component of our entire plan" The man interupted her with a snap. "Yes, I do know that, and so much more reason for me to see him." She frowned at him, thinking it over.
"From what you've told me, I believe I could help . . .persuade him" He offered with a suggestive smile. She gave him a long appraising look, as though judging his capabilities, and then she smiled slowly, too.
"Perhaps you can"
"You will meet someone else tonight." She told him with a soft smile.
"Who?"
"My bondmate."
"You may call me Shaidar Rahien" Caith looked silently at the Seafolk man before him. His skin was as black as freshly turned earth. He would've been beautiful if it hadn't been for that predatory gleam in his eyes. Perhaps he had inherited it from Her trough the bond in some strange way. As it was, he was both handsome and graceful, but not for his life could Caith call the panther before him beautiful. A moment passed in silence as the other man drank in his appearance. Slowly he pulled a hand trough Caith's soft black hair and stroked his jaw-line with an absent-minded dominance.
"you truly are extroadinary" Caith didn't respond. There was something in the air that kept him quiet, something primal and physical that would choke all attempts at conversation. And when he turned his head upward to collect a kiss he limply complied.
"This frightens you" An endless sea of green grass stretched as far as the eye could see, and the wind carried with it the smell of sun-warmed grass, and her perfume.
"You ask a lot of me"
"It is not a road without sacrifices, no road is." She took a hold of his shoulders and turned him to face her. "The difference is, where the road ends." Her eyes were hazel. Her hair, a deep reddish brown. It reminded him of autumn, and how beautifully masked the death of summer was.
"Why does it have to be her?" She smiled sympathetically at his question, filled with a quiet desperation. Oh how he longed to hate her, but hate craved energy he did no longer have.
"I do not need to tell you again" She said, stroking a wayward lock of hair out of his face. "In time you will come to peace with your duty" Her hand caressed his cheek and-
She was gone.
"You've been acting strangely lately" Alyna informed him with a flatness in her voice that suggested that she wasn't too happy with him. Caith sighed inwardly and continued to pick Inkers's hooves.
"I have a lot of things going on lately" He responded evasively. The immediate respone from Aly was a derisive snort.
"A lot of things going on. Right, and my mother was a trolloc." She took a step closer as he straightened up "You've got dark shades under your eyes and-" here she gave him a hard poke in the chest "You've lost weight" She summed it all up by crossing her arms over her chest and giving him an angry glare. "I know you, something is wrong" Inwardly Caith cursed Alyna's keen observation skills.
"What do you mean, I've lost weight?" If he could just stall for long enough...His mind worked feverishly as he fetched saddle and bridle.
"Come on Caith, I could throw you around like a daintly little novice the other day, you used to be at least equal my weight" It had been one unpleasant unarmed spar for him, "thrown around" was a mild understatment if anyone asked his opinion. He led Inker out of his stall.
"Like I said, my schedule has been somewhat full lately" He was being deliberatedly vauge about it. If he could just...But no, Alyna placed herself in his path, hands on her hips.
"You're not answering my questions!" She snapped, loosing her temper.
"And you're not improving my situation!" Caith retorted angrily and pushed himself past her. "I'm busy Aly, I'll see you later" The seemingly friendly phrase was coated in frost and when he mounted and rode away he knew he would have to deal with her later, before she decided that the way to get him to answer her questions was to pick him apart, limb from limb.
Days and nights continued to slip by, despite his fervent prayers that they would not. Days spent in a hazy fog of uncertanity, guilt and confusion. Nights spent in endless conversations with Her about anything and everything, but above all, the nature of Light and Shadow, and the Duty she asked of him. The one task only he could perform. And then there were the nights spent with Shaidar Rahien. Spent in a feverish passion. Yet what always followed when the passion ran out, the only outlet for his frustration, always left him feeling vaugely nauseated and panicky.
"She used to come to me in this manner, too" Shaidar Rahien's thumb lightly caressed his bottom lip.
"Oh?" Caith wished he could crawl beneath their silken sheets and dissapear, anything but having one of these conversations again.
"Oh yes" Shaidar's hand ghosted down his chest, sending a shiver down his spine. "I was very troubled at first, with my naive concepts of right and wrong" As you are now. The thought hung unspoken in the silence between them. Punctured by a pair of smooth lips nipping their way down his neck.Caith tried to surpress a shiver, it was as if the words were imprinted upon his skin along with the caresses. Black earth against white sand.
"Nothing makes sense anymore" he murmured.
"I can make you forget."
They did not speak more that night.
"You cannot wait much longer" He cautioned her.
"I know that, he is almost ready" She responded with a tinge of annoyance.
"The girl has grown up amongst the warders, and now she is a novice, in a short time an accident will not be plausible and shortly after that, the task to risky."
"I am as aware of these facts as you are!" She snapped. He took a breath and kept his calm, the pressure would make her irrational, he knew. If he could just cajole her to more efficient means . . .
"Then you should do something about the situation, a flash of compulsion would-"
"No! I will not have him in that manner!" A moment's silence reigned after her outburst, both of them glowering coldly at each other.
"Then what will you do?"
Only silence greeted him.
"This will not last forever"
"What won't?" Caith asked him warily. Shaidar appeared to be different this night. What he said, how he moved, it had changed somehow, and it would not lead them where it usually led.
"My patience." The voice was cool, measured, and sharp as a blade. Caith desperatly racked his brain, there must be a way to stall for more time, more time to think, more time to...he didn't know, but it was the only thing he could grasp at.
"What about your patience?" He asked, as calmly as he could.
"Do not play fool with me boy." Shaidar took hold of the front of his shirt and shoved him against the wall. "I am not like her, and my methods of convncing someone of their reality is different." He paused for a moment. "You were born in the Shadow, you are the son of darkfriends. There is nothing that will cleanse the shadow from your blood. Nothing" He let go of him and Caith landed on the floor with a stagger. Shaidar stood in front of him still. Arms crossed across his chest. Caith blatantly refused to look at him, but looked instead down, and to the side. In the silence Shaidar's last words seemed to echo. There is nothing that will cleanse the shadow from your blood. Nothing Nothing Nothing...And how the truth stung. How it stung.
"So, young Kitten. Have you made up your mind?" Caith clenched and unclenched his fists in desperation. He opened his mouth, and closed it again. Shaidar took him by the arm, and the world around them...blurred.
Caith looked around himself, and gasped in surprise.
"Recognize it?"
"This...this is home" Caith responded, puzzled. For home it was, the little house, the stable, the paddock, the river glinting in the evening sun. "Why have you-" but he broke off, he could see his Father coming out of the stable, leading a yearling he did not recognize. It was as if his entire chest contracted and then expanded, threatening to burst. This was home, but the home that was not his home. It was his Father, but not his true father. One of is elder brothers came out of the house and struck up a conversation. Neither of them appeared to notice Caith and Shaidar in the corner of the stable yard.
"You care about them." It was not a question.
"It's my family"
"Then their safety should be important to you" That was the only warning, before the stable yard burst into fire.
"No!" Caith tried to run forward, but were captured by Shaidar's strong arms. He struggled as the house caught fire, as the horses neighed in fear, as his mothers screams could be heard from the house. Suddenly, it ceased. All that was left was the chimney and the fatty ashes of burned flesh, as though it had suddenly become several days old. He sagged limply to his knees.
"Sacrifices must always be made for the greater purpose, you chose which you make." When he turned his head Shaidar had dissapeared.
Caith stood alone in his room. It was neat and tidy.The clothes hung in the closet, the weapons and armour in the armoir. Neat. Tidy. The only thing not in it's place was the wash-basin, which stood in front of him, a bar of soap and a damp cloth.He washed his bare body methodically, over and over again. His skin became red and raw, the water grew cold, the bar of soap diminished. Yet he could not become clean, his mind could not become clear.
Beside the bowl a small note lay, delivered by a novice earlier that day.
In three days time, We shall meet in the flesh.
The scrubbing went on, mechanically, and his deep green eyes saw naught beyond the despair.
- dark - shaidar
- dawn - rahien
Finally, I would like to thank a few people whom without this fic wouldn't be even near as good as I've managed to make it with their help
- Saphire Sedai - For your thorough editing and commenting on plot, grammar, punctuation and style. You made me think a lot
- Alyna Tiara - For nitpicking and allowing me to make use of Alyna, as well as taking the time to make sure I wrote her character correctly.
- Caden Ives - For some nitpicking but mostly for pulling me out of my own plothole and a lot of brainstorming.
- To all of you, a huge thank you.
