Fanfic:Discovering Anger

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Discovering Anger
Author(s)
  • Katy
  • Kenneth Edberg
  • Melonie Walther
Character(s)
Harp-icon.png This is a piece of fanfiction.
Only the original author(s) or Librarian(s) should make content changes to this page.




Jip stood in the sparing arena, waiting, quietly and nervously. Except nervous wasn't a good description of what he was feeling today, Jip was always nervous, doubly so when he was going to spar, sparring was a struggle for him, not that fighting was extremely hard for him, that was part of the problem. Whenever he fought he was fighting twice, once the outward fight itself and twice the more dangerous fight within himself, the urge to throw down his weapon in disgust, the urge to announce that violence was wrong. Today it was even worse than that, for today he was to spar with the one man he could not, would not, show weakness to.

The Master of Arms, Caden Gaidin, a man who terrified new recruits, and quite a few grown Gaidin, a man who Jip had at first feared, then grown to respect. Probably, and this had been a late realization on Jip's part, one of the very few people, the others being Garren and Isabel, who truly understood Jip. Yet this did not make Jip feel any better about being around him, the Master of Arms understood him, probably better then Jip understood himself sometimes, and yet Jip felt the need to keep his weaknesses hidden, it did not always work, Jip remembered the quite embarrassing time when Caden Gaidin had taught him first aid, but for the most part he managed.

Today however they were going to spar, and Jip did not think he would be able to stay as calm as he should, he was already trembling and the Master of Arms was not even here yet!

Jip took a few deep breaths to calm himself, he would do better in the void, he knew, but he still hated the void, hated what it enabled him to become, a soulless killer devoid of all emotion able to do awful things and feel nothing. So he would not enter it unless it was truly necessary, in fact the truth was he was frightened of it, when he sparred, it was practice, if he was in the void who knows what would happen, the soulless monster inside Jip could get out of hand, become uncontrollable, hurt or even kill a friend.

He dragged his mind away from that unpleasant thought, it would not do to break down into tears before the spar had even started, for a moment he concentrated on the bundle of emotions in his mind that were Isabel's, an island of calm in the stormy ocean that was his mind, a reminder of duty, of why he was doing this, despite all his feelings against it.

It was about the time he had been told to meet Caden Gaidin here, and Jip looked around, waiting, looking for a man waiting for death, which, since he was about to spar with a blademaster was probably an accurate description.


When Jip's eyes found him, Caden Ives was already standing behind him.

"I wonder if you are deficient, or truly the paradox I saw years ago."

His stare was flat - as unyielding and uncompromising as a cliff wall in the apex of winter. Bitter was merely a foretaste of his metallic parlance, delivered through the imperfect larynx of a man refusing to break. To the keen eye, he wore his instructor blacks and held his wooden blade with such disdain, that one might think the Master of Arms did not want to do what he did.

Yet he proceeded, head held high.

"In research and studies, not unlike the study of the sword, those who refuse to go beyond fact... rarely get as far as mere fact," he rasped to the Gaidin, looking as if he was biting down on a mouthful of daggers, "and now, you have been taught the facts - know what you should do, how to do it, and then get what you want."

Turning his head towards the breeze, Caden released the Altaran with his eyes. One might have thought he was soothed by the wind's touch, had he been someone else, for it appeared more like he wanted to kill the winds of time and redress his life.

"For your final lesson," he said after a couple of seconds, "you shall not enter the Oneness. You shall raise your blade willingly, and with a passion that carries you beyond the known realm of perfected form and conduct. You shall be right here, with me, soul and all, and face me in the unleashing of all emotion pent up inside."

The Freak looked back, the dropping ridge of his scowl making it perfectly clear that he was deadly serious. All teachings of his would be unravelled, and every boiling gallon of hatred and bile would be spewed out in a duel of mind and weapon.

"Are you a deficient paradox, in how you cannot function in a passage of arms, whilst a soul still possess your carnal husk?" The Freak's knuckles whitened, and the muscular tension spread along his whole arm - nearly shaking, "Or are you able to strike me in earnest, whilst crying out your claim to be a Gaidin of mine?"

Even though he stood stock still, Caden was on the edge of control. "Then raise the voice of your sword. Feel it; the rage, the things you are denying yourself - every shade of emotion that makes you cringe and cry. Let me hear you scream! Howl! Roar!"

Just as his voice lowered, Caden spread his feet and hands - his point of gravity anchored to the ground.

"From the very depths of your soul..."


It took a lot of self control not to go scarlet when Caden Gaidin first spoke, which showed the amount of self control that he had gained in his time since he had first earned the fan cloak.

That was as far as his new bravery lasted for when the Master of Arm's continued speaking Jip stared up into his eyes, knowing that he would make the man anger rise if he did not meet them. He stood like a frightened animal staring into the gaze of a predetor.

He did not move, apart from a very slight trembling he did not move a muscle, he was too frightened to move. He wanted to move, wanted to run, but, as he had found himself doing for more years then he could remember he stood, and made himself listen to words he did not want to hear.

When the Master of Arms turned away into the breeze, his gaze leaving Jip, Jip found himself breathing again, without even realising he had not been.

Then the Master of Arm's spoke again naming his 'final assignment' as it where, and Jip forgot his fear and everything else in a overwhelming wash of confusion.

He did not understand this, after all it had been Caden Gaidin who had first taught him how to enter the void in the first place, and later how to go further, into the oneness. He had been the one to give Jip the choice in the first place, to learn when violence was necessary. It was the Master of Arms that had gave him both the choice and the means to face that choice, in the void.

Now he was saying they would spar without it, which Jip was going to do anyways, but more than that, he wanted Jip to use his emotions in this spar. I did not make any sense.

Jip didn't want to do it, he didn't know if he was capable of what he was being asked, his feelings about vioence were so repressed, so hidden he did not think he could fight and truly feel anymore. Which was a frightening thought, and rather sad when you thought about it.

"Are you a deficient paradox, in how you cannot function in a passage of arms, whilst a soul still possess your carnal husk?"

Of course the fact remained that he had to, no matter what he thought about it he had to do it, even though he didn't know how to do it, he still had to do it. So he would try, not that it would succeed he thought.

He slipped into Lion on the Hill his eyes shining with determination, Caden Gaidin's words about him being deficient hitting him and making him want to prove him wrong, despite at the same time wishing not to, to throw down his sword and give it all up.

That was a normal want, a normal temptation that Jip fought every day of his life.

"Then raise the voice of your sword. Feel it; the rage, the things you are denying yourself - every shade of emotion that makes you cringe and cry. Let me hear you scream! Howl! Roar! From the very depths of your soul,"

Trembling, wracked with a thousend emotions, unable to sort one from the other and not allowed to use the void to save him from them, not that he wanted to. It was all confusing, and the confusion added to his emotions and he trembled all the more.

It did not stop him from stepping forwards, a basic downwards strike tears springing in his eyes, he did not believe he could do this, not in the way the Master of Arm's wished him to, but he had to try.


Recognising the determination in Jip's gaze, Caden knew he had at least managed to compel the younger Gaidin to accept the challenge. Furthermore, the pendulum of time and circumstance allowed the spiral to begin - the onset of something very cruel, yet at the same time quite necessary.

It began; the Paradoxical Warder's last lesson - for better or worse.

The Freak had a long life of ire accumulated, and to tap these emotions was merely to remember. He did so now, the images flashing before himself like the flickering flames that had taken his face. Grinding his teeth, he stepped forward - blade rising. The Kingfisher Circles the Pond; a brutal combination of parry and movement - the deflection at middling height and the advance callously aimed through the shoulder driving into Jip's chest.

"Burn you, craven!" said Caden like the thunder of the season they found themselves in. The autumn carried a spectrum of leafs in the breeze - whirling past them both as the Master of Arms stepped after Jip's staggering stance. "That was just your usual whimper! You have to give me more!"

As the last word sawed through Jip Gaidin's eardrums, the Reaper's boots left the ground.

The Thistledown Floats on the Whirlwind. Opening attack. A leaping spin where the sword stretched out yet where the body's momentum through the spin applied the devastating force. Ire in disregard of consequence was anger delivered in ferocity - where the Freak's blade was an undeniable shout through the air that Jip occupied.

The Whirlwind on the Mountain. Again, Caden's blade was held chest height and the body was the force behind the barbarous strike - yet now the practice blade had rebounded to come around from the other side. If the Freak's voice was thunder, his footwork was the lighting. The care of keeping one's eyes on the opponent as long as possible remained an ingrained habitual operation of the strike, and the dreadful stare was set upon Jip from a face contorted in vehemence. "Wake up!"

Two Hares Leaping. A charging attack consecutive with the maddened beast's forward motion, consisting of two vertical slashes that fell in a windmill fashion. The form began high on left yet came back from the high right - the figure eight completed.

"This is your day of quickening!"


It was no surprise that Caden Gaidin managed to block Jip's strike, not just only because it was Caden Gaidin and he was a blademaster and therefore much better than Jip, but the strike had been basic and quite clumsy anyways, as Jip was upset and confused.

The mixture of the Master of Arms leaping at him and the words that he threw at him made him stumble back clumsily throwing up his sword, not even in a sword form, to stop the sword hitting him.

The Master of Arms had called him a craven, his mind struggled to comprehend this as the fight continued.

He had been called a craven many many times since entering the Tower, by bullies, like Geano, by fellow trainees who did not get why he was training, by warder instructors, frustrated at the fact Jip was hesitant to attack.

The Master of Arms span at him again, but without jumping and, gaining control over his actions, his mind becoming clearer in his upset Jip went into The Kingfisher Circles the Pond to block the strike that was aiming to behead.

When Jip was younger, and now, at least until a few moments ago, the Master of Arms had seamed to understand him, and Jip had thought he had not seen Jip as a coward.

Now, just like when Caden Gaidin's opinion before had made those that thought him a coward's opinions void it now silenced the people who believed Jip brave, made it fact that he was craven in his mind.

Somehow all this made Jip calmer, he was a coward, but he could not give up, just like he hated violence but had to use it. The same bitter determination was kicking in as he set out to prove to the man before him, not that he was not a coward, for the Gaidin had named him so and made it truth even in Jip's eyes, but that he could function despite being craven.

Jip's sword moved into the Falling Leaf striking against Caden's sword as he was pushed backwards.

He had to do better, as Caden Gaidin had put it, he had to wake up.

Stepping forwards, blinking away the tears he went into Boar Rushes Down the Mountain bringing his sword down to Caden's side.

His arms trembled as he did so, as he tried to stop the tears and focus on fighting, the emotions in his mind were making it hard to concentrate, and never before had he so wished to enter the void, until now when he was forbidden to use it.

There was no point aiming to high, because unless he could bring Caden Gaidin down to his level it was useless; the height difference was too big. But this was something Jip was used to and so went into The Eel among the Lilly Pads which was a figure of eight but aimed at the legs.

It was a struggle to keep his sword still to keep himself from openly crying, he stepped forward as he moved his sword in the figure of eight, determination shining through the tears.


Through the fog of hatred, which was not directed at Jip as more as towards himself, Caden saw the tears in the autumn sun. He saw the extent of pain his words caused, and knew it was not enough.

The Kingfisher Takes a Silverback. One of the most dangerous forms in a Blademaster's repertoire, yet now used effectively to parry the shorter Gaidin's first attack. The descending stab caught the strike on the flat of the blade. "You weep!" snapped as he altered his stance to meet the next sally. "You cry yet again!"

The River Undercuts the Bank, followed by Tower of Morning.

The low attack towards Caden's shins was brought high up in the air, and Caden levelled a devastating kick straight through the space that Jip's midriff possessed - sending the lighter man rolling in the dust. Without remorse, the Freak stepped after with his already dented redwood blade by his side. Many thought the usage of a practice blade safeguarded against injury, yet in reality, it was just as deadly as a steel blade if wielded properly. Caden could pry open a rib-cage with the proper amount of force and leverage.

"When will you grow into a man, Warder?" he said with syllables serrated - sawed like cold iron though his throat. "When will you cease to cry and stutter?" The Reaper's mordant stride bore down on the fallen. "When will you quit being a feeble little princess and awaken to find you possess a manhood?"

Reaching Jip before he was properly on his feet, Caden swept a Leopard's Caress after him - aiming for his legs. "When will you have enough, whelp?" Without interim, Rain in High Wind carried the initiative on - quick and powerful side strikes, intended to wear down the opponent thoroughly and quickly. It challenged Caden's wrists and lungs, yet he was beyond caring - fuelled by demonic rage. "When!" he called, "will you make... a bloody stand?"

Using the return swing of the last side-strike, Caden heaved himself into Striking the Spark. "Shall I denounce you?" he shouted as the first blow came. "Name you Gaidar?" Like thunder he rolled in over the doubtful. "Degrade you?" The Freak laid all his mustered strength behind the falling blows - not caring if he shattered the wood. "Order your flaming bond dissolved?"

Like an anvil, the Freak struck it in order to split it in two.

"Pitiful maggot, answer me!"


How had Jip been so deluded, how had he believed that Caden Gaidin understood him? Was it a new thing he had done? To make Caden Gaidin's ire come against him like this? Or was it merely what the Master of Arms had always felt this way, while Jip had trusted him, feared him yes, but trusted him as a teacher and someone to be respected.

To find it was all a lie, that the Master of Arm's thought him week, thought him a coward, he stumbled at the first block, and the second, and was finally sent flying, grunting in pain as he rolled through the dust. He had get his mind together or he would be beaten more badly then he was going to be already.

The attacks, and more painful, the words carried on coming as Jip stumbled to his feet, going into Middle Guard quickly. He could not ignore the words, they filled his being, screaming at him the truth he did his best to avoid, he was week, he was a coward, he deserved everything he got.

He lept backwards, away from the strike to his legs, things were slowly unravelling, as if by shedding light on the ugly truth Caden Gaidin had disabled Jip's knowledge in combat, like that had just been an illusion as well.

Like smoke the illusion evaporated, what was he apart from a small, frightened child who had seen too much?

He was pushed back again, his sword coming up to deflect the blocks, trying to focus on his footwork, on his blocks, feeling like a drin'far'ji once again, not knowing anything.

If Jip's life had taken a different path, if he had not been separated from his parents as a child, if he had been brought up in the fold of the Tuath'an things would have been different. He would not have been here in this situation for one thing, but more so nothing that the Gaidin could have said to him, nothing at all no manner of degrading or demeaning would have been able to stir him to anger or to violence.

Jip had not grown up in that environment, but still there was very little that could provoke his emotions to anger, sadness yes but not anger.

The words just added to his upset as he threw his sword up above him to block the blademaster's attacks.

However Jip was not just who he was, he had been forged by who he was, but he had been tempered by the yards, and like any Gaidin had a strong, stubborn, streak of warder pride and so when the Reaper of the yards breached that, stuck into the heart of the only thing that enabled Jip to live this life, his bond with Isabel, something stired, greater then Jip could control.

It was still a weak thread, but anger, he threw his sword up once more to block the last strike. "Pitiful maggot, answer me!"

Jip answered, his knowledge of the forms he had known for years returning, taking a step forward, bringing his sword forwards in a horizontal slash Stones falling down the Cliff to try and push the Gaidin's sword back, he followed this up with its sister form, Stones Falling Down the Mountain a series of attacks, with Jip's power behind him, half fuelled just by his determination, but half fuelled by this new feeling, without even realising it, or recognising it for what it was, for he had never fought with anger before, anger was not a part of him. Usually.

The tears were still there, if anything he was more confused now, but the part of him that had got him through every challenge he had faced in his role to become a Gaidin rose in defence of the one thing that he had to be proud of in his life, against the one thing that could stir him to any level of anger. His movement turned into The Boar Rushes Downhill a downward strike coming from his shoulder once again.


Finally, before Caden subconsciously thought it was a futile attempt, the Paradoxical Wader rose to the challenge.

One verbal strike had gotten through, at the very least, and it might just have been the final one. Watered Silk eased him out of the riposte's imminent danger, and the Freak halted his advance in order to defend himself. The Branch in the Storm Low Wind Rising came next, followed by in order to intercept the falling final blow. At that point, where their blades bound and they were locked against each other, Caden realised that he had ended up a few steps back from where he had been.

"Good," he hissed between his teeth at the shorter man, "yet you are still holding back. Why? Do you think yourself above your fellow Brothers ans Sisters?" Pushing their blades far out to the side, after seconds where they were had locked horns with each other, Caden dealt Jip an elbow across the mouth.

"Unless you debase yourself in anger and hatred like the rest of us," he rasped and stepped after the Gaidin - his face the mask of death. "You will not survive this day." True to his word, Caden used The Rose Unfolds. The high thrust at the opponent's torso rotated through a very tight arc downwards, meant to carve a hole into the opponent. The form was forbidden in spars since even a practice blade might inflict critical damage to the ribcage and the internal organs. With enough force, even a blunt end might be staked through cloth, skin and cartilage.

The form was completed by returning to guard stance before moving into the next form, yet Caden had already foregone the practised procedures. "What of the Trimak daughter, craven?" he called as he stormed Jip's guard with Wind and Rain. The diagonal slash from low to high led the way for hailing overhand blows. "You know what happens to your Aes Sedai if you were to die!"

After the storm, in the dark madness of the situation, The Moon Rose Over the Water. "She will be weeping like you!" ...and the initial horizontal slash was followed by a vertical arc that reached for Jip's throat and jaw. "Tormented because she chose an inept Warder..."

After the rising strike, Caden's arms turned the blade around to fall soon again.

"...as her flaming bondmate!"


Jip made himself concentrate on the fighting, to distract himself from the anger that was rising up inside, the wish to lash out, to stop the words that were been thrown at him. He concentrated on the movement of the swords, the sound as they clashed together.

Each of his strikes were blocked as he knew they would be, and the Master of Arm's continued to speak, Jip stumbled backwards, the pain of the blow almost ignored because of the greater pain of the words he spoke.

Jip did not believe himself better then anyone else, especially not other Gaidin and Gaidar, the exact opposite in fact, they were all so brave, and he had very little courage and even less compared to them.

As Caden Gaidin's sword came at him again he rolled backwards to avoid the blow from the sword, the words ringing in his eyes.

He was trembling from a mixture of fear and anger, the anger stemming from the Gaidin's past words which were spinning round and round in his head feeding his anger as surely as Jip could feed the flame of the void with words.

That Caden Gaidin could kill him he had never doubted, that he would for any reason other then Jip being shadowsworn or such, but now he was not sure. How far would the Master of Arms go to rid the yards of a coward?

As he brought his sword up again and again to block the diagonal strokes that were coming towards him, stepping backwards at every strike.

Then came new words, new words to make his anger rise, to add to the ones that were already spinning around his head.

Anger rising, as Caden spoke words on the only subject that could make it so, he went into The Boar Rushes down the Mountain to beat down the slashes coming at him.

His eyes blazing with tears and shame and anger he stepped forwards into Ribbon in the Air the horizontal slash towards the Master of Arm's stomach turning upwards at the last moment.

"I...if I a...a...am in...in...ine....inept," his voice was a whisper, but with a thread of anger, he moved his sword down and quickly into The Leopards Caress his sword coming as a slash towards the gaidin's thighs, "W...why d...did y...you le...let me be...bec...become a g...ga...gaidin," he stepped forward as he said it, his eyes glaring out his anger, shocked with himself that he had dared to speak like that to the Master of Arms.


To keep the Gaidin's blade away, Caden had to retreat a couple of step whilst using Cat Dances on the Wall. He caught the Ribbon-slash this way and he bore the flat of his blade down upon the following low strike afterwards - preventing the iron that he was heating from reaching him. For when Jip tried to step forward, their blades were locked low...

...and the Freak head-butted Jip over his brow.

"Because," he snapped as he stood still and did not stalk after the retreating and disoriented swordman, "it is only after we've lost everything, that we are free to do anything!" He held a lowered stance, feet spread apart, almost all his weight on the back foot. With the hilt close to his ruined face, staring at his opponent across his knuckles, it was an expressively offensive stance in its nature - aptly named The Ox Lowers His Horns since generations past.

The Reaper scented blood - the tears of anger. "Because it is only after disaster, that we can be resurrected."

It was evident he was speaking about his burns again - something the lad would remember from the Tower Battlements. His stance changed while he began to move sideways - slowly circling Jip Gaidin with The Swallow Glides to the Branch, or perhaps rather the grizzled wildcat stalking its prey. "You became a Gaidin, but you have not developed beyond that. Your journey has not ended because you have a new cloak! You are standing still! Just like now! Yet today, you will be forced to face your demons..."

The distance between them became no distance at all - transition made like lightning to the ground.

The Dandelion in the Wind. The blade slashed at Jip' chest in a sinuous horizontal line, weaving around any intercepting blade. "I will find Isabel Trimak," he rasped, feeling the words sting all the way from his lungs - yet ignoring it, "and I will force her to dissolve the bond if needed be!"

Threading the Needle. A thrust made at the end of the previous Sword Form - aimed towards the abdomen. "Perhaps I will harm her to make her see reason," he hissed, biting down on his own revulsion, "perhaps I will even rape her to see my point, since you obviously can't."

Plucking the Low-Hanging Apple. As sudden as the despicable and offending words, Caden aimed at Jip's neck with the strike - now aiming high again to catch the younger Gaidin off guard. "Will you just weep and shite your breeches; stand idly by while I take your pride?"

The Freak meant to break down Jip's fortifications - for his own good. "Then make a bloody stand!"


Jip went stumbling backwards, trying to find his balance, blinking to try and clear his vision as quickly as possible, trying to keep his sword up in a guard position whilst he recovered from the blow to the head in case the Master of Arm's came for him.

However for a moment the physical attacks stopped, though the verbal blows kept coming, saying that bad things had to happen in order for people to grow. Jip regained his sight and went into Lion on the Hill to counter the Master of Arm's very offensive stance, his sword high Jip watched from under it as the Gaidin circled him, he guessed what the Gaidin was speaking of, they had spoken of it before when Caden Gaidin had taught Jip first aid, it had been a subject Jip had not wanted to get back on to that subject again, as it was obvious a painful one for the Master of Arms, and one that brought up much bitterness for Caden Gaidin.

He came into The Boar Rushes Down the Mountain to beat down the horizontal strike that came for him, his ears hearing the words that the Master of Arm's was throwing at him like attacks, feeling the words and rising to anger as he continued speaking of Isabel saying how he would force her to dissolve the bond.

He fought down anger, controlling his trembling as he moved his sword across in Branch in the Storm to deflect the slash to his middle.

The the Master of Arm's went too far, for a moment Jip nearly missed blocking the blow to his neck, he leapt back and flung his sword up, no longer bothering to use form, his hands trembled as he lept forward again glaring at the Master of Arm's, daring him to go on, daring him to say more.

"Sh...shut up," he almost shouted as he brought his sword up into the Lion on the Hill and right after that he leapt forwards, The Lion Springs an outward but at the same time upwards movement.

His eyes blazed with anger towards the man that stood behind him, as unthinkable things spilled from his mouth, Jip was more angry then he had ever been before, he wanted to scream at Caden, to hurt him, to stop him saying anything else.

He went quickly into The Leopards Caress striking downwards, sobbing now with almost wordless anger, his rational mind had not caught up yet, the anger had swept him away. He aimed a kick at the Master of Arms' torso as he continued his advance.

"D...d...don't y...you hu...hurt Is...Isabel," he almost shouted again with Low Wind Rising making his sword fly upwards aimed towards the Gaidin's ruined face.


No more had the Freak finished speaking than Jip Gaidin was right in his face - leaping forth in anger and indignity.

Yes, my boy...

Wrenching his hilt around, he managed to insert his blade between himself and the approaching attack. He meant to use Black Pebbles on Snow in its capacity of both parry and strike, where the first half deflected and the second cut down towards to the ribs.

Yet whilst being already inside Jip's guard, he was startled to find the next form come for him. His intended cut had to be made into another parry instead on an attack, followed by another out-on-a limb deflection as he retreated a step - his arms at an awkward angle. Too fast. Balance lost... He tried to compensate, but the Gaidin drove his boot straight into his chest.

With the Oneness, he would not have reacted to the rush of breath from his unburned lips, just as little as he would have been able to carry out his intentions with this spar. Further unbalanced, and the Oneness not helping him see, he saw the rising strike climb too late towards his blind side - tried to interpose his blade.

Though Jip's blade passed it... just beyond his practice blade's intercepting point.

The hollow thud against his teeth and cheekbone was not dampened by the thin scar tissue, and Caden lost contact with the present, his footing and the hilt of his weapon. A hard impact with the ground, felt in his back and his skull...

...and the spar was over with.

Only then, he entered the Oneness - wrenched it down over the pain coating his conciousness.

Thus, as if nothing had happened, he climbed to his feet - soulless eyes centring upon Jip's agitated face. As he straightened, he raised his hand in caution, forestalling any incentive. When he spoke, his bloodied teeth moved underneath his split cheek - which had been so thin even before the blunt treatment. "The trial is over," he rasped as if in the third person, "you have passed your lesson - without fault."

As the injured Freak lowered his hand, he explained - finally. "Forgive me the act," his ruptured voice said without passion, "but as you see this face now, you know what you have accomplished - what I meant for you to realise." He stepped forward slowly, without hostile intent - hands spread by his sides.

"You have passed a threshold this day - challenged the boundaries of your mind even without the Oneness to grant you such freedom. The challenge was not in fighting me, but in overcoming yourself - broadening your horizons upon the scape of your psyche," he scraped slowly and folded a hand across the base of Jip's blade, keeping it lowered and in place, "Listen to me; I would never betray your trust in me, making this a trial for us both. Yet now, you have mastered the art of the sword without the Oneness, with the Oneness, and now torn down the fortifications that kept you from seeing the potential of your spirit."

His other hand came to rest upon Jip's shoulder - a comrade's touch even though he knew Jip did not like to be touched at all. Caden meant it as an anchor to reality in the wake of the storm. "I pray that you will forgive me, yet I do not expect it to be soon. I wish you shall think about this day, and understand just how far you have come - how diverse your swordsmanship truly is. I told you one truth; and that is how you are now able to do anything."

Taking Jip's practice blade from his fingers, Caden stepped back, meaning to turn away. Yet he stopped, and turned his split cheek back towards the Paradoxical Gaidin - the one who had defeated him. "Conduct enough training here in the Yards, and you will have the Herons engraved upon your blade."

With that, Caden turned away - leaving Jip to ponder his words and his own mortality. Yet the Freak hoped the lad would also contemplate his own capability and his accomplishment. And lastly, he thought of the night to come, and how this was the last time he would sharpen the younger Gaidin's skills. His only regrets were that he could not tell anyone what was to happen - never being able to part with those he loved so dearly, yet never gave more than the means to survive the Last Battle.

Farewell, apprentice. May the Light illumine your path.

Behind him, and all around, the Yards stood frozen - gazing upon the one who had beaten the Master of Arms.


If Jip had not been so angry he would have felt horror as he knocked the Master of Arms into the ground, as it was he just felt relief that the poisoness words had finally stopped, satisfied that he had managed to stop them.

He watched the Master of Arms climb back to his feet, still trembling with anger, he noticed the difference in the Gaidin, knew he had gone into the Void, the thing that had been forbidden to Jip.

As the Gaidin held up his hand Jip let his arms drop to his side, he was not that far gone in his anger that he did not take notice of instructions. His eyes glared his anger at the Master of Arms but slowly he started to calm down, and to take note on what had happened.

The Gaidin was speaking and Jip forced himself to listen, though he was still angry and did not want to listen to any of the man's words, but these were not the same as before.

Jip took a slight step back, only half comprehending what he was being told, that this had been some sort of test, to make him angry, so make him fight without the void. The Master of Arm's arm came down onto Jip's sword, as if stopping him from raising it in anger at the words he was saying. It made Jip feel worse, if that was possible, that it could be thought that he would lash out again. The anger was fading and he was just stood in disbelief, swaying on his feet.

The words started getting through to him, I would never betray your trust in me, Jip flinched, but stood still as the Gaidin's massive hand came down to his shoulder, he didn't like the touch, but he concentrated on it, it was familiar, a gesture he had experienced many times as a trainee and later as a Gaidin, and it was what he clung on now, a promise of some normality in the confusion and aftermath of the anger that had come upon him.

Jip watched the Master of Arm's walk away, dry eyed, for the tears had been drove away by the fury, he stood silently staring long after the Gaidin had faded into the distance. Then, just realising the attention that the spar had caused and the amount of people who were watching him Jip all but fled the sparing arena, the events catching up on him.

He did not stop until he came to a quiet part of the garden, a place he came often when he was upset, a hidden place where he was able to given in to his trembling and sink down to the ground and try and make sense out of what had just happened.


Kailitha needed to work out some major frustration after the incident with Isabel and taking them out on weeds was a really good idea. That way she didn't have to explain to a Yellow why she had bashed in someone's skull hard enough to crack it. All in all it was just better this way.

She worked hard and long pulling up weeds. Cursing when they snapped off at the root. Shouts of triumphs followed when she got all of it. She nursed the flowers after she had churned up the dirt around them. She watered them and left the tools there for the Gardeners to find and pick up later.

Her soul was lighter for doing a bit of work non battle related. But it didn't last long. She turned the corner and there in the place she first met him back when she was but a drin'far'ji and he and a badly beaten Ji'alantin, was Jip Gaidin. A shivering mass of goo.

While granted Jip was known for his shaking, this was far beyond anything she had ever seen.

"Blood and Ashes Jip! Not again!" She moved over to his side and plopped down next to him. She took out her handkerchief and handed it to him. "Who was it this time? And aren't you too old to be beaten up by people?" She wanted to grip his shoulder but she was afraid he might run screaming.

"Come now friend, you can tell me. I may not be buddy buddy with your Mistress right now but we are still friends, yeah?"


Even upset no one could get close to Jip without him noticing, and so he had turned his head slightly, seeing who was coming up on him he returned his eyes to the ground, he knew he had nothing to fear from Kailitha, despite recent accurances.

He had actually forgot that this was a place of Kailitha's, she had a garden here he remembered, but he had not seen her here since a time long ago when he had been beaten up by a drin'far'ji. Unlike that time Jip was not crying, just trembling he was confused more then anything, and there was still a remnant of the anger that had engulfed him, and it was enough to keep the tears at bay.

Most of all he was shocked at himself, at what had just happened, he barely lifted his eyes at Kailitha's words, he really wished she hadn't found him here he really did not want to speak to anyone, that wasn't unusual, Jip was often upset and unable to speak or reluctant to be with people, however this was something more, the anger that had risen in him was still there, quashed down once again but still, he was aware of it, and he did not trust it, what if it rose up again at one of his friends.

Kailitha's words were hardly registering, Jip barely looked at her as she spoke but sat silent for a long time. However after a short time he realised he did not wish to be alone, he was too confused, nor did he want to go and find Isabel because she would have felt the anger through his head and Jip was not quite ready to speak about it yet.

Instead he turned his eyes on Kailitha, they were dry and Kailitha would probably see the anger mingled in with the sadness in them, and the self loathing that was usualy the most well hidden of his feelings was strong as he met her eyes for a small moment.

Then returning his eyes to the grass at his feet he spoke in a small voice rubbing his mouth where his lip had burst from one of the Master of Arms blows, "D...Do y...you ever f...feel," he broke off scrunching the cuffs of his shirt wishing he hadn't even started to speak, "D...do y...you ev...ever th...think th...this is a...all wr...wrong, wh...what w...we d...do," he gave a small laugh at the fact that he was still debating this pointless question and put his head in his hands trying to block out the confusion.

He muttered through his fingers, still trembling as he fought with himself to keep all his emotions from bursting out of himself, "A...am I re...really th...the on...only one wh...who fe...feels l...li...like th...this?" He wasn't really talking to Kailitha, more to himself, it was a pointless question but it was better then thinking about the new feeling, the anger that had appeared in him, enough to distract him from the reality of what had just happened.


Kailitha looked into her friend's eyes as he implored her about the life they lead. His eyes showed sadness, fear, self-loathing... all these she had seen there before but there was also a burning there that she had never seen. A fire. A fire she knew all too well. The burning raging fire of anger.

He began to stammer and stutter about the right or wrong of what they do as Warders. And then almost to himself he asked if he was the only one that felt this way.

"I am not the person to ask my friend. I am Altaran to the bone. Fighting is in my life's blood. From the time I could walk I trained in the art of battle. My mother the best warrior in town. My father a local teacher of the art of staff fighting. I knew nothing else."

She thought about his question further and decided to turn it to him a second. "You ask if what we do is wrong but what wrong is there in protecting those we love? In this rough world of ours we do not have luxury of laying down arms. Our enemies would gladly slay us where we slept. The final battle comes to us all and if you do not have the courage to arm yourself in the pursuit to protect our homes, our families, and our livelihoods, what do you have the courage for?"


He hadn't really expected an answer to the question he asked himself every day, but when he got it he just shook his head slowly, trying to control the anger that was flowing through him, wanting to scream at the futility of it all. Kailitha's words just angered him more, she fought since she could remember, in everything he believed, in everything his parents believed she should be a bad person, but she was not, Jip knew that and he knew that violence did not make you an evil person, as a means to an end, ridding the world of evil.

Of course of everything he had heard of Kailitha she had never harmed, or killed innocents. He buried his head in his hands so she would not see his shame, but then she continued, and the anger that had been flowing through him came to the surface once more.

His head flung up and his eyes were hard as he looked at her, in the eyes for once, without the usual uncomfortable look he got when doing so.

"J...Just s...say i...it Ka...kailitha," he gasped, his anger making his voice hard and strained, "Y...you a...are th...th...thinking i...it, I a...am a c...coward," Caden Gaidin's voice echoed in his ears, Burn you craven!!

Jip stood, trembling to the point he could barely keep upright and glared at Kailitha again, "S...Say it!" He shouted, though it was a muted shout, horse, as his voice was not used to going that loud.

The anger in him wanted him to shout more, even to lash out, but he would not let that happen, and he could not shout, words could not be formed, he stuttered some unintelligible sounds and tried to walk off.

He stumbled and fell into a tree, unable to hold himself up on his own he slumped against it, wanting to scream wanting to hit something, and that was unusual in Jip, non existent even, he hands shook and finally the tears came and he buried his face into the tree trunk sobbing.


Kailitha watched as her friend lot what little grasp on his sanity he had. He shouted which she had never seen him do ever. When he finally burned through whatever it was that held bound she walked over to him and turned him around.

"How can I call you a coward?" She gripped his shoulders and stared into his eyes. "I still remember that awful day when you saved the Tower. I still see the face of a friend as I stabbed her to save my own life. I know it was me or her but the thought still makes me sick."

"You aren't a coward. I don't care who told you that. They're wrong. You are the bravest person I know. I just wanted to how much farther you could go before you left us and this life for good."

She sighed and sat back on her heels. "I read this story once of a warring people that gave up arms to better worship their god. Even in the face their enemies they called on their god. They faced mass slaughter but they didn't care, they knew that they would go to meet their god with a pure heart. This lack of fear and humbleness scared their enemies so badly that they ran."

She rocked forward so she was now on her knees. "I don't agree with their philosophy but they still turned the dark ones away with their merest faith. And that takes a different kind of courage. One that I don't have. I'm too afraid to die to go down without a fight."

She dug out a second handkerchief and held it out to him. She always had spares. This one in particular was black silk and had her initials embroidered in silver. "Come now friend... there's no need for this." She waved the handkerchief at him. "Go on and take it."


Jip felt hands pull him and turn him around and winced slightly expecting a blow but none came and Jip remembered he was at the Tower, and had been for many years, no one was going to hit him here unless it was in a spar or they were an enemy which in both cases Jip would be able to it back. He winced again this time at his own thoughts, why was he wanting to hit somebody?

His sight cleared, the wash of tears making the world swim slightly and he saw the deep brown eyes of Kailitha, he slowly came back to where they were, in the gardens of the tower, with Kailitha, hurting because Covale had beaten him up.

No that had been a long time ago, it had not been the long disappeared Seanchan trainee that had hurt him, it had been the Master of Arms this time, who had called him a coward, who had made him angry, who he had hurt.

His wild eyes tried to make sense of everything, he could hear her words but they were not all registering, he was confused, she was telling him he was brave but Caden had called him a coward, had called him weak.

Pitiful Maggot Jip blinked and looked at Kailitha confused, taking the handkerchief from her, but just holding it in his hands.

"M...Master Ca...Caden, h...he kn...knows, he kn...knows I a...am week, he sa...said," he took a shaking breath, not wanting to continue, for most of what Caden Gaidin had said was too painful to think on.

"Wh...who a...are you to sa...say he's w...wrong?" He demanded angrily again, and confused, and upset, he sat back and rested the back of his head against the tree, sobbing again.


Master Ives?! Kailitha's mind couldn't comprehend it. The Master Ives she knew would never call him weak or a coward. This was the man that cared for his people and duty more than almost anything. She couldn't imagine him deliberately hurting anyone, much less some one as fragile and meek as Jip.

She sat there stunned. She had no idea what to say or do at point. Master Ives never did anything without a reason she knew. But what reason could he possibly have in calling her friend weak. She thought and thought and came up with no answer.

"Maybe I'm not the Master of Arms. Maybe he does see something I don't but I'm your friend, Jip... can't you put a little more faith in than that?" She took his face in her hand, "Look at me."

"You are stronger than all of us. For the strong know when to cry and the weak refuse to. Come now friend, smile for me..."


Kailitha seemed shocked, maybe she had truly believed him strong. That was a shock to Jip. But it didn't matter. To everyone in the yards the Master of Arms word was law, and Kailitha could not change what he said. Even if she was his friend.

He reluctantly dragged his eyes up to meet hers when she told him to look at her. He didn't want to, today he felt even more uncomfortable looking in people's eyes. He did not deserve to look at them like equals. He dropped his eyes again even though Kailitha was holding his face up, which made him feel extremely uncomfortable.

He heard her words and wanted to believe them, but couldn't. He could not smile either though the anger he had felt had disappeared as quickly as it had come. He pulled away, "S...s...s...so...sor...sorry K...Kai...Kailitha," his voice was a mere breath of sound, the way he would have spoken as a drin'far'ji. He fled the gardens trying to calm his features, and headed towards the Tower. He could not train any more at the moment, he knew Isabel was teaching so he would go back to their rooms, he needed to be alone and no one would bother him there. Hopefully he would calm down by the time Isabel returned.