Fanfic:Dear Diary
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It's been some time since I last wrote in here. My life at the tower is relatively uneventful most times and I would not wish to fill these pages with the mundane banalities of my weapons training and basic routines. I am writing now however because something noteworthy has occurred. It's just days after winternight and I am once again reminded why I originally forswore all men. I was so foolish as to allow Sarkaska into my heart and he has repaid that with betrayal. I would not mind so much for myself, I expect nothing better of men really, but he has hurt Ysolde too. He has taken up with some White Sister for reasons we cannot fathom. We are well rid of him, men are nothing but trouble. But I ache for her pain.
Now that Sarkaska is out of our lives it seems certain Ysolde will bond me as her warder once I achieve the fancloak. I was not so sure before whether she would pick me or him, since she is a Brown and can only have one, and I was still but a trainee where he was ready to bond. Surely she would have picked him rather than waiting on me. I confess I have not been certain before now that I would actually make it so far. My first years at the tower were very difficult and the training quite hard, but I have learned much. It still sometimes hurts to think of Sarkaska bonded to the White Sister but a part of me is selfish and happy to have Ysolde to myself now. I wish she were happier though.
I am no better than a man! I don't know how I could have let it happen. I am such a fool. Ysolde will surely hate me for all eternity and I would not blame her if she did. And so soon after Sarkaska's betrayal? How could I have done such a thing. I do not know how it happened, but I made love to a man. An Asha'man at that. And in the Gardens in broad daylight too. Light I am such a fool. I have always let my emotions rule me rather than my head but this time they really went too far. I have to tell her. I can't keep something like this secret, but she is going to hate me forever I know it.
Well I confessed all to Ysolde. It... did not really go well. I swore it would never happen again. I begged her forgiveness though I do not deserve it. I do not know if she ever will truly forgive, but she has not cast me from her life yet so I have hope that I can repair my stupidity. I just need to make sure I stay away from Jerid bloody Asha'man. I still do not know how he managed it, but I will not let him do it again. Light I feel like such a wretch, and the look of hurt on Ysolde's face... I cannot bear to think on it.
How could a simple dagger lesson have gone so horribly wrong? I now find myself bonded of all things. No I have not attained the fancloak yet, nor is my bond held my Ysolde. She and I are done now, though it breaks my heart. I did not ask to be bonded, it merely happened... while I was kissing Jerid. Yes I know I said I would stay away from him. It was certainly not my idea. I was assigned to learn more on the dagger from him. I tried to protest but I certainly could not explain why I didn't wish to learn from the man, and he was the only one available. I had hoped nothing would happen in the middle of the training yard. I don't know how that man manages to muddle my wits so. It's those light blasted lips of his! And he knows how to use them so effectively. He said the bond was made of emotion and so he does not believe he can dissolve it. He did offer to transfer it, but I knew Ysolde wouldn't take it and who else would I have him transfer it to? No I will remain his bonded warder. That seems so strange to say. I must now redouble my training efforts though. I do not want to think about what may happen if the bond is discovered before I am a Gaidar.
I suspect my bondmate is falling in love with me. I am unsure exactly how I feel about him. My heart still aches for Ysolde, yet when I am with Jerid... Well the pain seems to melt away. I can get lost in those lips of his for hours. I really must learn not to let him distract me with them. I don't quite understand why I am not angry with him for bonding me as he did. In truth he seemed just as surprised that it had occurred as I was. Perhaps that is why? It's done in any case. I just wish I didn't feel so confused.
