Fanfic:Choices
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Jaryd lay prone on a bench by the fountain in the Gardens, his nose buried in an endlessly boring book on the foreign policy of Mayene. Nearby he could hear two female voices growing nearer. They stopped behind the hedge at his feet, and he realized they were talking about someone he knew. Carra? How strange that a woman he rarely interacted with managed to take up so much space in his head. He sighed, and gave up on reading as he strained to hear what was murmured beyond the hedge.
"If Carra got raised, why haven't they announced it?" One of the women had a sharp, nasal tone to her voice. "I heard she did something…shocking…but no one will tell me what!"
"She said she would join the Red Ajah, or none," the other responded. The gasp from nasal voice matched Jaryd's own choked off exclamation. ". Tower law apparently required the M'hael to accept it, but…" The two moved out of hearing again, and Jaryd lay on the bench in shocked silence for quite some time after.
Carra had been raised…that was news alone. Everyone he had ever known had been raised now, some exceptionally quickly, and still he remained Dedicated. That was unimportant in the face of this other thing, however. That woman had chosen the Red Ajah? What was she playing at?
Answers. He had to have answers. He rolled off the bench, pulled his jacket straight, and headed for the Tower. A few questions asked of the right people, and he turned his steps toward the Library. He returned the book –it was ruddy boring anyway- to the chisel-chinned Brown at the front desk, then inquired politely where he might find Carra Sedai.
The Aes Sedai's face grew cold with disapproval, but she pointed silently. Jaryd set off in that direction after a quick bow. A few moments later he rounded a shelf and saw Carra reaching for a book on a higher shelf.
"Why?" He asked. Somehow, he knew he didn't have to elaborate.
The Shawl she wore, white with scrollwork of flowers in all the Ajah colors, it was the long Red Tassel that caused the most head turning. Despite having the close friends she did in the Brown Ajah, it was still hard on her to be anywhere in the Grey Tower. Her own quarters were still in the process of being cleaned out; courtesy of the M'Hael who was kind enough to give her the space once it became clear that no other Ajah was willing to step forward. Her time with Illyria was helpful but even that was considered help from the Mistress of Novices and not from the Indigo Ajah.
It was rare that she came for light reading, but of all the places that she was bothered the least, the Library had many tomes of heavy and light reading and was required to remain quiet. Silence was Golden, even if the whispers were becoming deafening.
Not that Carra cared. She found most of the Grey Tower's whispers to be laughable and childish. Traits she could not help but associate with every Ajah in the Tower, aside her own. She wasn't childish nor were her reasons laughable. At least she was bound to their damnable Tower, and that should have counted for something. Next time, were there ever one, she would just walk away.
No, she wouldn't. Carra thought carefully. Schooling back her irritation. She had plans, idea's and ideals that were important to her. Morals and a code of order that seemed to lack throughout the seven other Ajahs. It left her wanting, and the path she had chosen was the only one that made the most sense. She wasn't passionate like the others. She did not announce it like the Blue's would parade their naked new Aes Sedai or Asha'man. She kept it to herself, in a quiet humbled walk. Only her Shawl the truth.
Speaking of silence, it wasn't difficult to recognize the hard steps behind her. Collecting another book to read, Carra let go of the book and left it on the shelf as she turned to see the Dedicated Jaryd. A part deep down in her stirred with warmth but she squashed it as fast as she felt it. It was Amadie that held her heart, and he was a woolheaded fool. She regarded him cooly, her emotions far from her features as she took to reading his emotionally filled face.
"Would you care to enlighten me what you feel so passionately about to announce your frustration to the entire Library, or should I just guess." She paused, the irritation hinting in her voice. "Not that there is much to guess when it comes to me these days." The ire there but laced with humor. Dry humor. If it made him laugh at all she would be surprised. Jaryd wasn't the smarted of the Dedicated she came across.
By her tone, she had certainly embraced her new rank…and the questions bothered her. Jaryd's lips twitched upward in amusement. "I certainly did not announce it to quite the entire library," he objected, wondering how far he could push her. "Maybe just half." He grinned at her, but it fled quickly. He couldn't keep up the appearance of light banter.
"What possessed you to choose an Ajah that the people of this Tower purposely excluded from their ranks? It wasn't so long ago that the Red Ajah of Tar Valon kidnapped our Amyrlin and nearly caused a war! And-" He cut himself off, realizing that she certainly already knew anything he told her about her Ajah.
The red in her shawl glowed in the soft light, a reminder of the brutal history between men who could channel and women who felt it their duty to hunt them down. Abruptly he realized that he stood on the brink of seizing saidin, lost in the emptiness of the Void. This woman is dangerous; she has chosen a path that can only lead to pain, centuries of suffering told him.
Carra is my friend! He pushed the Void away, angry with himself. When he spoke again, it was very softly, to hide the tremor in his voice. "Men and women work together in this Tower, Carra Sedai. What purpose do you plan for your Red Ajah that will not disrupt that peace?"
"Well, thank you for the correction." She added dryly to his commentary. She took a moment to ignore his physical pretense as she reached up for the book she had started to pull out and tucked it into her arms. She could already hear the squeaking of chairs and the opening of ears all over the Library and Carra could not help herself as she showed a moment of being human to someone she wasn't exactly sure where she stood with. Their paths crossed very rarely and their first encounter left a sour taste in her mouth, but even still she should not have judged him so harshly then. Carra tried to let it go a little, but it wasn't easy. His demeanor made nothing easy.
She looked him over and regarded him with calculating eyes. She could have him follow her back to the dusty rooms of the Red Ajah Quarters, or she could have this potentially volatile conversation continue in a public area. Carra had pointedly avoided public area's when it came to her conversations and the choices she made. She was by nature a very private person, but perhaps being private about every little detail about herself wasn't helping her case.
"I could never condone what those women of the White Tower have done. It was a horrible thing to do and it is exactly what I stand against. My purpose is simple and easy, but complicated to explain. I want to protect the humanity of the Tower and the world from each other. I'm not an Aes Sedai of the White Tower's Red Ajah. I am the Red Ajah of the Grey Tower and I have full intentions of keeping that difference distinct."
She gave him a hard look, "If change causes war and peace is in the stability of nothing moving forward then this Grey Tower will only find itself identical to the White Tower and all that iss progressive of the Grey Tower in moving forward will die in that stability. I have ruffled a few feathers, and I will ruffle many many more." But only if they force my hand, she thought.
Carra's first sentence caused Jaryd to relax so profoundly that he felt his wiry body might actually topple the massive bookshelf he leaned against. He had been afraid that she intended on being Red in the most traditional sense of the word. Actually, I would bet good money that is what the entire Tower is afraid of, he thought.
He stayed silent for some moments after she spoke, mulling over what she had said. He wasn't entirely certain that it made sense on a logical level, yet somewhere deep in his core, what she said struck a chord. Protecting humanity from itself sounded a lot like what he had tried to do in Ebou Dar. Old blood and old ways constantly conflicted with new blood and change; the conflict had been never-ending until he started trying to build metaphoric bridges. Could it be the Grey Tower needed such interference as well?
Probably. He had noticed how uncomfortable the older Aes Sedai and Asha'man were with the touches of youth and change that had begun to manifest in the Grey Tower in the last few years. Perhaps it was time to truly shake them up.
"You have bigger balls than I do," he said, and someone two rows over dropped a book with a muffled oath. He chuckled. "I don't think you could pay me enough to challenge this towering behemoth of channeler pride to accept change in the face of destruction, and yet here you are doing it of your own volition...for the rest of your life." He paused again, thoughtful. That actually doesn't sound like such a bad thing to do, he thought.
"Why Red, though?" he asked. "Why not Beige, or Goldenrod, or Lime Green?" His tone was slightly teasing- he supposed he deserved to be glared at. He grinned at her, but his next words were serious. "What I mean is- I don't see the connection between what you describe and the traditional Red Ajah as the world knows it. What made you choose that color, instead of your own as the Indigo did?"
She raised an eyebrow at him with his rather lude expressions. "I did not think balls had anything to do with it." She was about to make an even worse comparison but decided to keep it to herself. They were being listened to and it was probably better if she didn't. Although her sense of humor had to approve a little.
"Well, for one I look terrible in turquoise." She said matter of fact, "and beige is a little too close to Brown and is rather dull." The quirk of her lips allowed a crack in her demeanor. One she willingly let show. "Seeing how those attending my Raising know this there is no point keeping it a secret."
"I have Foretelling. You could say that the Pattern picked my Ajah." Carra pulled the book from under her arm and opened it up to the front cover. It was casual reading and was thus marked with the Grey Tower Ased Sedai symbol. "In everything I have ever read about the Pattern, Prophecies, and history; the world requires Balance. I believe the Pattern needed someone to create a balance to something." She gave a shrug and closed the book and slipped it back under her arm.
"There isn't anything nice about my Red Ajah, but there isn't anything bad about it either. I don't expect to be understood for at least a few centuries, and I honestly feel too young to say one way or the other what we are about. It's just me and my skillset. Nothing more, nothing less."
She responded favorably to his joke; he had been half afraid she would simply bundle him off to Seth and then he would never see the end of this interesting conversation. He tilted his head, imagining her in a turquoise dress, and couldn't help but smile. She really would look terrible- but it'd be a long cold day in the Aiel Waste before he would ever say so!
Instead, he focused on what she had said last, eyes focused somewhere far beyond the bounds of the room. "We are channelers, sworn to serve the Grey Tower. We are doomed to fight true evil in our lifetimes, to watch our loved ones die while we live on with ageless faces, and to struggle with every shred of our being to save a world that doesn't want to be saved. In your case, you must bear the weight of Foretelling as well, and I don't envy you."
"All that is to say- "nice" or "bad" are both astonishingly bland words to attempt to label that burden of duty, and I am not surprised it doesn't fit what you have in mind for Red. I certainly agree with a need for balance…especially since you don't appear to equate balance with stasis."
He stopped suddenly, feeling a faint heat of embarrassment spread across his face, "And there I go, babbling my brain out, and probably boring you silly.
"Will you bear the burden of the Red Ajah by yourself for centuries as you said, or will you accept newcomers as they show interest?" He couldn't quite make himself add that he needed to know for his own benefit. There were too many ears, and besides….he still didn't know if Carra liked or loathed him.
"No. The Red Ajah will be more. Much much more." The words were barely audible, and id she didn't know better, steps were getting closer to listen. She didn't feel any channeling from the women in the room to feel that there were any eavesdropping weaves in place, but they weren't quiet enough to need them. Funny how they were the same but one was less evasive. She gave a shake of her head.
"A lot of words from a Dedicated, Jaryd." Saying his name with an almost softer tone than she had before. "This is not boring, and I am sure we will debate this many times in our lifetime. Perhaps with the years we will never find the right answer."
It was his words of the burden of an Ajah alone on her shoulders that caught her attention more. While she wanted to call him out on it in a less than subtle way, she did not want to risk him not being raised in fear that a lone Ajah could grow. The Hall had not yet decided if it will Accept her Ajah even if the M'Hael had. It was a very precarious situation, and if.. if someone else chose her path then it would strengthen her own resolve and force the Hall to allow her declaration to stand. The Hall would not like being forced. That, Carra knew first hand.
This was the first time since being raised that she actually FELT like an Aes Sedai. "The Red Ajah will welcome allies, brother or sister." She paused, choosing her words, "This is a difficult path and it is not meant for anyone, and not anyone can be Red Ajah."
She gave him a kind smile, "But I appreciate your concern. I have spent a lifetime being alone, and if I must, I will continue to and be just fine."
Abruptly the listening ears irritated Jaryd beyond reason. He seized saidin and wove flows of Fire, Air, and Spirit in a complicated tapestry of his own devising. He yanked it around them like a shroud, but did not tie it off, so he could monitor intrusions.
He saw Carra straighten- she couldn't feel him channeling, but she could certainly detect the absolute silence that suddenly enveloped them. "I apologize for not asking permission to channel," he said calmly, "that would have somewhat defeated the purpose. I will perform whatever penance you deem appropriate without complaint....later." He bowed his head, but his mind was on the topic at hand.
"It sounds like you intend the Red Ajah to be a place for those who want what is best for the world, even if the world –or the Tower, as the case may be- doesn't actually know what is best. I imagine that even if there were many Reds, every one of you would be alone in the throng, both separated and supported by your strength of purpose," he observed.
He took a breath and met her eyes. "Since I first interrupted your browsing you have said less than ten full sentences to me, and yet there has been more meaning in those few words than in entire days of conversations about Ajahs that I have had with other Aes Sedai and Asha'man. I hope someday I can overcome your initial impression of me," he smiled ruefully, "because I know which Ajah I will choose when I complete the Great Stair."
She stared at him for a long moment, until he dropped his gaze to the ground. Can you see I mean it? He wondered.
It annoyed her, that he could channel without her noticing. It was a great weakness for a female channeler and she did not like it. That he did it, however, did not bother her. Curious.
She stood there and listened to him, the dispassionate eyes that had grown cold with the silence, she was genuinely surprised by his admission. Would he really petition the Red Ajah? It was said he possessed great strength in Saidin and that the Grey Ajah had all but courted him. Would he really change just for the Red Ajah? Was it the Ajah or was it for her?
It became clear to her that the conversation was no longer for public ears, the whispering beyond the warding no doubt was louder than before but Carra was about done being on display as Jaryd was.
"Follow me."
The Red Aes Sedai just turned and walked out of the warding space and headed out of the Library. Expecting Jaryd to follow. She didn't say a word, didn't turn around but let him decide for himself what he wanted. So she took him to the Red Ajah Quarters. The minimal meager area underground that the M'Hael was so kind to give her so she did not have to sleep in Accepted Quarters. There was little there still, although the constant roar of a fire in the fireplace across the room with mismatched furniture courting it.
She turned around and looked straight up at him. "Is this what you want? Meager livings scrapped from the grace of the Ajah's broken and discarded things? There is nothing luxurious being here." She quieted for a moment, unsure if that came out in anger, frustration or even desperation. She didn't want this life for anyone that was a friend. Jaryd, he was a friend. It was odd to think of him as one but whether he knew it or not she'd do anything to keep him safe. Him, Amadie, Itarisa, Jenna. When did Jenna end up on that list? It was weakness and him being here was weakness.
"I don't intend to save the world." She said, turning away from his eyes, daring not to let him see that weakness she suddenly felt. She walked to where the fireplace burned and the chair with her shawl sat. The only real piece of Red in the place aside herself. "I do not think I am protecting it either. Good and bad will happen, and it needs to happen. But there needs to be a check to keep things from going too far one way or the other. There is always a focus on the Shadow and the Light, but not all bad things come from the Shadow and not all good things come from the Light."
After a moment of hesitation, Jaryd followed. He let the Ward dropped as they passed its boundaries, and adopted the hang-dog attitude of someone who had just received a blistering reprimand. Let the eavesdroppers make of that what they would!
To his surprise, Carra led him underground. They put her in the basement? Why not a guest chamber? Why not… He supposed there really weren't many good places to put a new Red in a Tower that was divided like a pie. He followed her siting room as she spoke, and stopped just short of the furniture facing the fire. "If you thought I were so trite as to allow mismatched furniture and a lack of windows determine my Ajah choice, I am certain you would never have given me a chance to see it," he commented dryly.
"I…understand…what you are saying. In a world so defined by Light and Shadow, it can be difficult to stand with one foot in both and acknowledge the benefits of each without the world automatically assuming you serve the Shadow." He shuddered "I had planned on joining the Grey Ajah, because I thought perhaps their focus on negotiation and compromise would provide the most understanding environment, but even they are still so focused on peace that the idea that a war could be a good thing makes their eyes bug out."
He smiled abruptly remembering an encounter with a Grey named Jillian. "Have you ever asked a Grey if she would kill the Dark One if given the chance, and then asked why?" His eyes danced. "Or for that matter-" he cut off, realizing something.
"Channelers have a much larger effect on the Pattern than normal people," he observed slowly. "Do you intend for the Red Ajah to hinder them from pushing that effect too far?" He wasn't sure how to say it right, but the connection was suddenly there in his head. The traditional Red Ajah had hunted men who could channel in order to avoid another Breaking or, in other words, to prevent total chaos from taking over the world. Though the reality of their actions was questionable, they, too, had fought to keep the world from falling too far to either side of the spectrum. The Grey Tower's Red Ajah could do the same, on a much broader spectrum.
"I figured you were harder skinned than most. Aes Sedai and Asha'men ranks come with a certain amount of ... luxury. It has become an expectation for many that go through the ranks." Having shut down a part of her that cared for him, there was a harshness to her tone as she spoke. It wasn't directed at him but she did judge the Tower harshly for some of its... choices. Waste, Carra hated to see waste.
"All the Ajah's seem to have their own glorified cause for the Light that they miss the purpose of darkness." She gave a shrug, "I don't think they would understand balance if it replaced their morning tea." She took a seat in her chair and welcomed Jaryd to sit in the large love seat couch beside her, the one that faced the fireplace directly.
She thought on his last questions with careful consideration. It was hard for her to set a defined path for the Red Ajah when she spent more time fighting being Red Ajah then she thought on what the Red Ajah stood for. Yet, even still his words were better at explaining what the Red Ajah could be simply by the questions he asked. Perhaps he would be a good fit.
"I am still discovering what I intend for the Red Ajah along with how far I dare push it with the other Ajah's. I am greatly outnumbered so if I were it would require a certain amount of.. weight. Foretelling will help but can hinder just as much." She didn't dare admit that she feared having the talent grow and lose control. She disliked the idea of not being in control of her gifts. "But you have the jest of the Ajah's concept. Additionally, I want to avoid more of the "alone" aspect that you mentioned by creating allies with the other Ajah's. The White Tower's Red Ajah was notorious for alienating other Ajah's and one of the best first steps to mend that mentality is to start making.. friends."
For someone who did not go out of her way to be kind to other Aes Sedai and Asha'man because they looked down on those of lower rank and skill did not help her case, but it also helped build a certain amount of respect for her resolve. They knew she wasn't flighty and her actions show purpose. Carra hoped it was enough.
Jaryd forced himself not to sprawl across the love seat as he might once have. Instead, he sat carefully to one side as he listened to Carra's musings. It takes guts to accept, let alone voluntarily create, a responsibility that one does not find tasteful, he thought when she spoke of making friends.
Could he really be thinking of joining her on this path? What would she do if her petition were denied? What would he do, if he set his heart on being Red, and then it were denied him? What would happen if something happened to Carra before he actually achieved the Dragon pin?
So many questions, and no definite answers. Such uncertainty made him squirm, and yet he could not ignore the overwhelming feeling that he had finally –finally!- put his feet on the right path. Is this how other Dedicated feel when they finally choose their Ajah? He wondered, unconsciously toying with a black stone that hung on a thong around his neck.
"There are many things that would assist in the process of stabilizing the Red Ajah and achieving its goals," he commented. "Some of those things would definitely be easier than others. I know that I may be more of a liability than an asset on the friendship front until I have been allowed to outlive my past," he shook his head, "But given the opportunity I could provide…other benefits."
"I think the best thing that could possibly happen to guarantee the future of the Red, however, is for a man to join you. Whether that person is me or another, having a man and a woman in the Red Ajah would certainly…force our lord the bloody M'hael to acknowledge that the Ajah is real and necessary. It would also provide a certain level of balance within the Ajah itself, in my opinion, which would be…rather fitting, given the theme of our conversation so far."
"Have they tried to prevent you from speaking to the Accepted and Dedicated so far?" He inquired. The gossips in the Garden had certainly made it seem that way, but...gossip was gossip.
Carra thought on his words, ignoring his arrogance as he also dismisses her's. It was a strange exchange of banter where they really did only regard what the other was telling each other even if it wasn't exactly what or how they were saying it. I believe he has decided, and now is only fishing. Carra thought to herself.
"Friends are not detestable, but they do leave you vulnerable." Not to mention the required favors in return. Carra never did well with friends until recently, and even then most she kept at arms reach. "It would be good to have a man join the Red Ajah, or another woman. Either could be of help. Although I am afraid it is not the M'Hael that needs to recognize us, it is the Hall." For once Carra forgot her slip, having grown comfortable in the conversation. "Once Aes Sedai and once chosen an Ajah we can not be denied that choice. It is whether they allow us to stay or be exiled is the question." It was clear Carra wasn't bothered with either of those answers. She didn't need the Grey Tower or the White Tower to do what she wanted in the world. The money, however, did help make her tasks easier.
"As for speaking with the Accepted and Dedicated, I have not spoken out about it?" There was a certain resolve around her, "I have made myself available as a teacher and I have been given enough charges to keep me from 'running out of the Tower'. By being a familiar, friendly face I have welcome'd questions without purpose recruiting those to the Red Ajah. Like I said earlier, not everyone can be Red Ajah and the Red Ajah isn't for everyone. I have my eye's on a few, mostly Soldiers interestingly enough. People like you and me, with less than idea backgrounds. Survivors." Because only those that know how to Survive can handle being here like this and be satisfied.
"None have really asked me anything before you, has there been whispers that I have not heard? I don't quite have the resources other Aes Sedai have." She added, dryly, even though it hinted humor behind her eyes.
Jaryd glanced down, embarrassed to be called out about Tower law. He had known the Hall normally made such decisions! But surely with such a major change, Riven's input would be an essential piece when making a decision? Would they really let Carra simply…leave…the Tower? That seemed like a dangerous and unlikely choice to him, but…the Hall had made stranger choices since his arrival at the Grey Tower.
He smiled at the idea of being dubbed a survivor. Did it apply? That was something to think about at another time. Did survivors kill their loved ones, run from trials of courage, and throw women into ponds? He supposed they did. It wasn't those actions that defined his status, it was the fact that he was still alive.
Her next words brought him up short though. "Have there been whispers I have not heard?" He missed what else she said, because he abruptly realized that he had initiated this conversation after hearing two women gossiping…and he now had to admit as much to a woman he desperately wanted to respect him. No one respects a liar, he told himself sternly.
"Well…" he said slowly, "I imagine you're already aware that the entire Tower is in an uproar over your choice, so you have probably heard everything I did." She gave him a sharp look, and he reluctantly continued. "I was reading in the Gardens when I heard two women talking about your Ajah choice," he admitted. His swarthy face had grown perceptibly darker, even in the firelight. "I had not known prior to that moment that you had been raised, let alone chosen an Ajah. I don't know why they were talking- it may have been idle gossip and they may have been genuinely interested. I didn't stay to find out before coming to find you." At least he hadn't participated in senseless gossip, and had come straight to the source to learn more. That has to count for something….right?
Carra grew quiet, not really sure how to feel about her raising being such a secret as others have been celebrated. It touched the part of her that was lonely and she wasn't comfortable with feeling it. Sister and Brother-hood have been ground into them from the beginning. Belonging to something was what everyone strove for. Even her, in a strange way. No one to celebrate her Raising with her, and no one to announce it to the Grey Tower. Who would celebrate a slap in the face? She told every Ajah in the Grey Tower that they were not good enough for her.
"I think it is time for you to head out now." Carra stood, her old coldness returning, steeling herself away. The boy wasn't raised yet. "Be sure to stop by the Master of Soldiers on your way back." She shouldn't have to remind him why. He knew.
He knew too much already.
Jaryd's shoulders slumped as he watched the doors slam shut behind Carra's pale eyes. He had had a chance- she had opened up, was talking to him, treating him almost like an equal! When would the people he respected take him seriously?
When you stop acting like a child, his mind spoke up, and he blinked. But I'm not, he objected silently, flexing his fingers on his knees. Who was he talking to, anyway? You are. He frowned slightly, and filed that odd inner conversation away for later consideration. Then he stood.
"As you wish, Carra Sedai," he said. "I will be thinking about our conversation and its possibilities. I wish you the best in all your endeavors…if I can help, I am yours to command." He bowed without a trace of his usual sarcasm and departed the room.
