Fanfic:Beyond the Surface

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Beyond the Surface
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Beyond the Surface

It had come to becoming an custom of hers to spend her evenings in the Brown Ajah Halls. While she waited for Amairwyn Sedai to be free, she would peruse the bookshelves for reading material to practice with. Titles that would spark her interest were quite varied. Sometimes history was interesting to her, battles and negotiations. Sometimes grand events and adventures interested her, heroines and thieves. She will admit to imagining herself more as a thief than a heroine. Not that she spoke this aloud.

It was strange, she liked being part of events, being pivotal in its movement but she had no interest at all in the glory or title that went with it. Was that why she wasn't so interested in being Aes Sedai? Because with it came all the weight of that title. Did she even want to wear it?

Today, entering the Brown Ajah's room of study, Carra was a little more forlorn then usual. "Amairwyn Sedai. What does it mean to be an Aes Sedai? When being a channeler can still do a great many things without wearing a shawl or serpent ring?

A Difficult Question

To Amairwyn's happiness, Carra had indeed sought her out to improve her reading. As she was most often free in the evenings, she began spending quite a few of them tutoring the novice. The novice's reading interests were quite varied, something that pleased Amairwyn, as she had always thought that was the best way to widen your mind.

Quickly finishing her report- a rather dry one on the proper care of old manuscripts, something not even she could get excited about- she smiled as the novice entered. "Good day, Carra. I hope you are well." Then she frowned as she noticed the girl's forlorn expression. Amairwyn was about her what was wrong when Carra spoke.

"What does it mean to be Aes Sedai?"

Ah, she thought.So that's it , then . That was a question many of the newer learning ranks asked, though most of them didn't look as forlorn about it as Carra.

"A complicated question, novice. And not as easy as some might claim." She waved Carra to a seat. "I'll try to answer, though the White Ajah might be able to answer it better. They deal more with philosophy than I do."

"To be an Aes Sedai is... well, the answer can depend on who you ask. Some would say servant, in the sense that Aes Sedai serve and aid the world. Others would say it means being able to use the One Power. Still others would say it means wielding power, or defending the world against darkness." She paused, thinking.

"And it is true that you don't a shawl and ring to wield the One Power. They're just symbols. But they are symbols of what Aes Sedai are. They mean we're not just random people wielding the One Power, but we have a specific reason for wielding it. However, what those reasons are will vary on whomever you ask."

She stared thoughtfully at Carra. "What made you ask this, novice?"

The confusion grows...

Carra thought on the Brown Aes Sedai's answer, and because of her familiarity with the Brown did the confusion and seriousness of her thought show on her face. Amairwyn had made her feel comfortable and safe while in the Gray Tower and that alone has allowed Carra to open up even a little to her.

"I never wanted to be Aes Sedai. I did not want to be Gaidin or Gaidar. I wanted to learn the sword, and travel. In truth, I wanted to be a hired assassin. It is not the normal dream of young girls, but that was mine. So much as changed in me that I no longer remember why I wanted to be an Assassin. Perhaps it was because death and life meant so little to me because no one held me in value in return."

"Until I came here. I know that I do not want to be an Assassin. It holds no value to me as it did. But I do not know if I want to be Aes Sedai. I liked the idea to have my own rules not ones placed on me. I wanted to be strong, and to be only me, answer only to me, be responsible only for me. Being Aes Sedai is so much more then that. I do not think I could ever be ready for such a thing, even if I learn to channel all the weaves and read every book."

"What makes someone Aes Sedai? Not just the Shawl or Title, but what makes them ready to be Aes Sedai? I don't understand."

No Easy Answer

She wanted to be an assasin? Light.. . To say Amairwyn was shocked by that would be an understatement. However, her face showed nothing but Aes Sedai calmness. It was shocking, true, but she wasn't naive. Some people did unfortuantely, want to be those things. There was even a rumor that the Tower itself employed assassins, though Amairwyn doubted the truth of that. Though the part about no one holding her in value was terribly said to Amairwyn. She couldn't imagine what that must be like that .Not for the first time, Amairwyn realized how lucky she really was.

And at least Carra had changed her mind. Or so she claimed. Though Amairwyn had no reason to doubt she was telling the truth.

"I understand novice. " She smiled slightly. "The responsibility an Aes Sedai has is terrifying at times, even to those of us who are fully raised. Though where rules are concerned, Aes Sedai have significantly less than novices." She smiled fully this time. "Being an Aes Sedai is very different than being a novice."

Her smile faded into thoughtfulness, however, as she considered Carra's last words.

"I cannot give you an exact answer to that, novice. What makes people ready to be Aes Sedai is different for everyone. I do not even know how it is decided novices and Accepted are ready for testing- I am not part of those decisions." She paused. "From my observations, however, it seems to be when enough skill with the One Power has been reached, and the person is prepared to take on that responsibility of a higher rank. Along with enough maturity to handle the position. But there is no right answer, I'm afraid."

She gazed at Carra. " I can tell you, though, that you won't be called for raising until you are ready." She paused again. "I can also tell you, however, that you will not be forced to enter either the Three Arches or the test for Aes Sedai. If you are not ready, you may refuse. You may even, after you've learned enough with the Power to not harm yourself, leave the Tower completely. You do not have to become Aes Sedai if you do not wish, after a certain point. Not everyone is prepared for that position." She knew there were those who would disapprove of her teling Carra this, but it was the truth. And she felt the novice she needed to hear it.

perhaps not that easy

Carra could not look more surprised by the Aes Sedai's answer. "I, I have a choice?" What a revelation! The option to choose not to join an Ajah, the choice to not have to be tied to the Grey Tower. The choice to just be herself!

And yet the idea, in all its temptation, still brought her hesitation.

"This gives me much to think on." Carra, "It sounds almost too easy but you have been honest with me like no other has. And I don't mean with the Oaths either." Her brows furrowed a little. "Then, why should I be Aes Sedai? I can learn everything I can and just... leave. Just like that." Of all the options that had been available to her Carra hated to admit it to herself but it almost made her more uncomfortable to consider the option. While a great deal of the Tower still confused her, and it's purpose, Carra was now starting to realize that her own purpose was even more confusing.

"So odd. I am sorry Amairwyn Sedai. I did not mean to burden you with these questions but I didn't really have anyone one else I.. trust to ask. This.. I don't know what this changes. I honestly do not think I am Aes Sedai material, but I don't know what I am if I am not." She gave her head a shake and shrugged her shoulders. "I guess I have a long time still to decide, don't I. How long did it take you to earn the Shawl? Why did you want to be Aes Sedai, aside the whole learning of things. I mean, Cairhien has many scholars and and from all over. You could have learned what you wanted there. Why here? Why not the White Tower, either?" Her cheeks colored a little, "If you do not mind me asking."

Not Easy At All

Amairwny couldn't help but give a sad smile at Carra's excitememnt over her revelation. She hoped the novice chose to stay, but if not, she did understand why. Maybe once she wouldn't have, but she did now.

"That is a choice you will have to make, novice. But I will say it is better to leave if you can't handle being Aes Sedai. Not everyone is suited for that role."

She smiled faintly. "Quite a few people think they are not Aes Sedai material. I thought that myself. I was a very shy novice, and I dislike political machinations and manipulations." Most Borderlanders had a dislike of such things. "I am a Borderlander, where such things are considered nonsense in the face of the danger from the Blight. You do not have to be a certain way to be Aes Sedai." At least not at the Grey Tower.

Her eyebrows raised at Carra's question. It was very... forward for a novice, though she didn't honestly have a problem with it. "It took me nine years. Four for novice, five for Accepted. some take longer, some take less time."

"As for why I wanted to be Aes Sedai..." she paused here, thinking. "I told you once I am from Shienar, where Aes Sedai are respected. It is considered a honor to have one in the family. and in Shienar, things like honor and duty are important. So, once I found out I could channel, there was no question of my not at least trying for the shawl." She frowned here, realizing that sounded like she had been forced to be Aes Sedai. "But that is not to say I didn't want to be Aes Sedai. At least eventually. At first, I was... hesitant. I considered running away as noivce, and nearly left once or twice as Accepted." She truly should not be telling a novice any of this. But, why not? Amairwyn was at the end of her patience with channeler loftiness and secrets. There was no point to it, at least not with learning ranks. Perhaps outside of the tower.

"I wanted to be Aes Sedai because I wanted to actually do something with my research. I wanted to use it to help the Borderlands in their fight against the Blight. And I felt that I could do the most as an Aes Sedai."

All of that was true. However... Amairwyn had realized something. None of her reasons involved the One Power or channeling. And for all she thought she could the most with research as an Aes Sedai, she knew it wasn't required. She could have helped the Borderlands just as much as a scholar in the library at Fal Moran or even Cairhien, as Carra had mentioned. And the Citadel had a library for a reason.

She could live without the One Power, she realized with a start. It wasn't the reason she had wanted to be Aes Sedai. And she could count the number of times she had channeled in the past few months.

This was quite a shock, something she was going to need to think more on.

However, for now, she turned her attention back to Carra. "As for not the White tower, it was merely because the Aes Sedai who tested me was from the Grey Tower."

Reluctant, but not out yet.

Now that was interesting. As far as being able to channel, it almost was secondary to the Tower's as opposed to the focus. While Carra was certain there was some value to it otherwise the two Towers wouldn't value it so much, it wasn't... all that special. Probably because to Aes Sedai all their peers could channel.

"Then being Aes Sedai is what it is, but what value is it to channel? To create miracles? Forgive me, Amairwyn Sedai, but would it be wrong of me to think that being able to Channel all these miraculous things to be.. selfish? I don't mean this negatively, at least not in full. But it almost feels that to pick an Ajah is to further a selfish desire, whether for better of themselves or not. I am sorry, but I really don't mean that to be disrespectful. You are rare in your honesty." And Carra realized then just how much honesty and truth meant to her.

That was a small epiphany on its own.

Furthering the Confusion

The value of channeling? Light, has any novice asked such difficult questions? . The White Ajah would be interested in this one, if they ever found out about this conversation.

"Selfish, Carra? No, it is not selfish to channel. No one chooses to channel. Perhaps the ones who can learn choose whether to learn or not, but they do not choose to have that ability to learn. You either can channel or you can not."

As for the value... that was a far, far more difficult question to answer. Particularly as Amairwyn had realized she didn'tt channel that much anymore, nor did she need it for her research.

Amairwyn finally sighed. "The value... the value lies, I would say, in the rarity of thr ability. It is a gift, one might say." However, that didn't truly answer the question, and she knew it.

"We choose Ajahs to focus our abilities, not to be selfish. Though one could say- and there are those who do believe this- that focusing on one's Ajah instead of the Tower as a whole is selfish. There are some who do not believe Ajahs are necessary, and only divide the Tower more." Amairwyn somewhat agreed with final point, but at the same time, she knew she would not give up having an Ajah.

It's a Conundrum

Carra pondered the Aes Sedai's words, unsure what to ask next. There were things she wanted to ask, but then there were things she didn't feel ready to know the answer yet. Truthfully there was a lot that she didn't feel ready for and being in the Grey Tower was an eye opener for her. Some of it she liked, and some things she didn't. But was it because she didn't want to be here or was it because the methods were different. It was an odd conundrum and it left her thinking.

"Was it easy for you, choosing the Brown Ajah? Because of your research? Or did you look at the other Ajah's as well?"

An Easy Answer

Well, this question I can answer Amairwyn thought, smiling. It had indeed been easy for her to choose the Brown. Not very long ago, she had wondered if she still belonged in the Brown, but the choice as an Accepted had been easy.

"It was, Carra. I knew straightaway I wanted to be Brown. I did briefly consider Grey, but Brown was always going to be my choice. That isn't usual, however- most do not know right away what ajah they will choose." Sometimes, though, she wondered if she had made her choice too quickly. Given enough time, there was a chance she would have chosen differently. She felt she belonged in the Brown, but she could have easily chosen differently.

She raised an eyebrow at Carra. "what about you, novice? do any of the ajahs appeal to you yet? You told me once they did not. Have you changed your mind?"

Shall I make this harder?

"I don't know." Carra gave the Aes Sedai a half smile, a little thankful that this lead to easier questions even though she had been the one asking them. "My assumption of them all seems to be quite wrong, and as you seem to have a variety of interests it's possible that I could suite a great many. Yellow, Brown, Blue, Indigo maybe even White." Her memory flickered to her time with Illyria and she tried not to wince. She still included it as the Ajah couldn't all be as bad as that one Aes Sedai.

"Truthfully I could fit those in some way, but none of them draw me in. Of them all I would say I prefer Brown because of my trust and respect of you, which has little to do with the Ajah itself. I do not think those are healthy grounds to choose an Ajah."

Easier, and Harder

Well... that's interesting.. Amairwyn didn't think she had ever heard a novice list so many potential ajahs. Most said either none, or gave one or two. She did think she had given Carra the wrong impression, though, with her interests.

"It is true, Carra that the Ajahs do more than their listed purpose. However, despite my varied interests, they all still fall under the Brown's purpose- research." It was merely different research than many Browns did. "What I am trying to say.." she wrinkled her brow, puzzling over how to say it best. "Is that don't join an Ajah unless you agree with it's purpose."

"It's not unusual, novice, that you don't feel drawn to a specific ajah." She smiled faintly at Carra's words about her. "I am honored, Carra, that you trust me, but yes, that is a poor reason for joining an ajah."

She paused, adjusting the papers on her desk. "The Blue's purpose is justice. The Yellow's healing, the Indigo's objects of Power, the White's logic, and you know what the Brown does. Out of all this, what draws you more? I'm told you have joined the Herbcraft class. Does healing interest you?"

Lets Begin Again

Somehow telling Amairwyn Sedai that she picked up the Herbclass to see if she could learn poisons would be a bad idea. Carra thought over her words carefully, "I am interested more in the craft then in Healing. It's possible that I may be a good Yellow because I have the steady hands. I do not think I have the temperament, yet. For most Ajah's I don't think I have the temperament, so it could just be because I am Novice and not Aes Sedai." She gave a bit of a shrug. "I'm interested in learning, so the Brown Ajah has it's appeals. I like knowledge and understanding or seeking answers to tough questions, so maybe the White Ajah. My justice is likely a little off then most but the Blue Ajah has other things I find appealing, much like the Green's as well. I don't know. I hope I sort it out but I don't feel particularly rushed to learn where I am going to be since I have so much to worry about where I am now."

Advice

Amairwyn wasn't surprised that Carra listed several ajahs she could possibly see herself in. Many novices and soldiers could narrow their potential ajah to one or two, but just as many could not.

"I am certain you will sort it out, Carra. Though I should tell you the Yellow Ajah's purpose is healing, not the study of the craft of healing. If you are not interested in healing the sick, I would not choose Yellow." amairwyn was interested in the study of illness and medicines, but she also wanted to apply those things to helping people. Once again, she wondered if she had chosen Brown too hasilty as an Accepted. More and more she was discovering she could have easily chosen a different Ajah. She did feel at home in the Brown, but she also wondered sometimes- particularly lately- if she had made the right decision.

"I will mention the same about the Blue- if you are not truly interested in seeking justice, you will have a difficult time there." It was true the Blue had other causes besides justice, but it was a big part of their purpose.

She rested her chin on her hand. "If I were you, I would not rush my choice, though. It is quite difficult to change ajahs. It can be done, but it is rare, and very difficult." Amairwyn couldn't think of anyone who had changed their ajah, actually.

Wise Words

Carra nodded as she listened to Amairwyn Sedai, taking in the information she shared. In truth much of what she gathered from the Tower was really only being confirmed by the Brown's words.

"No, I don't think I will. I don't feel much like I am Aes Sedai material let alone picking an Ajah." But the last bit was.. curious. "You can change Ajahs? I thought that once Aes Sedai you choose an Ajah and that is it. I have never heard of an Ajah changing Ajah's.. Aside maybe the Indigo Ajah which is some what different to the White Tower." Carra paused, "I suppose it had to be started somehow. Did someone become Aes Sedai and just declared herself Indigo Ajah, or was it a group of Aes Sedai that chose to abandon their previous Ajah for a new one?"

"Can one even just ... Make their own Ajah?"

Ajahs

Well.. this is interesting amairwyn thought in response to Carra's new question, about making one's own ajah. Why does she want to know that ? Some thing told her to step carefully with this question.

"Yes, you can change, though it is difficult and rarely done, like I said." She folded her hands, thinking. "As for the Indigo, I must admit I'm not entirely certain how it started. I know why- because the Red wasn't going to be part of the Grey Tower, the founders decided to make a new ajah. Though why they choose to focus on objects of the Power, I couldn't say." Though she had always wondered. "It would be better to ask an Indigo that question." Now for the difficult question .

"As for your final question... I assume the answer is technically yes, as the Indigo was made. There is not truly, anything, preventing one from making their own Ajah." not something she should be telling Carra, but it was the truth. "however, I understand it is frowned upon. The indigo was created by an entire group of people, with the rest of the Tower's support. That is different than someone merely coming up with their own ajah." She glanced at Carra. "Why do you want to know this?"

A lesson in History

Carra felt a little disappointed in the Brown's answer about the Indigo Ajah, but she was right. Only an Indigo Ajah would have a more thorough answer for her, but Carra loathed the idea of hunting one down to ask. Perhaps it was something she could research.

"Well, I was reading up on the Age of Legends a few months ago, and I came across a reference that Aes Sedai of that time created numerous Ajah's depending on what purpose they wanted to serve. It seemed to alude that it wasn't nearly so structured as it is now, but it did get me thinking, especially if by the time I am ready for the Shawl I do not feel that I fit in any of the Ajahs. I worry about that, sometimes." She replied honestly.

Age of Legends

Amairwyn had to smile at Carra's statement The Age of Legends was a particular interest of hers.

"You are correct, Carra. There were indeed numerous ajahs during the Age of Legends. Nor were Ajahs permanent- they would often disband once their purpose was done." Amairwyn found that difficult to imagine, not having a permanent ajah. "As to why that did not continue into our age, I could not. We do not know why the Aes Sedai choose to handle ajahs differently. One theory I have is it made matters more organized and coherent, to have permanent ajahs." She stood up and moved to her bookcase, selecting several books. "If you are interested in the Age of Legends, Carra, I have several books you may borrow. " she laid them on her desk, for the novice to take if she wanted them.

"Like I said before, it isn't unusual to feel you don't fit any of the ajahs right now. You may feel differently by the time you are raised to the shawl." Amairwyn hoped she did find an ajah she fit in. If not, she would likely be directed towards the ajah the Tower felt she fit the most. She did not think Carra would like that. To that end, she made the decision to be even more honest with this novice.

"However... there is a chance you may not." amairwyn could think of several Accepted who had not found an ajah by the time they were raised to the shawl."If not.. what do you intend to do?" Amairwyn wasn't certain what type of answer she was going to get, but she was curious to see.

No Answer

Carra gave a nod and accepted the books with care. She knew that it was a topic of study for the Brown Aes Sedai, and over time she had noticed how Amairwyn lit up when ever the topic crossed their paths. Strange that she did not want to disappoint her, so Carra chose to indulge the Aes Sedai's interest. There was much to learn in the past as there was in the present and Carra appreciated the knowledge. Although some of it was a bit dry and dull at times for her liking.

When Amairwyn Sedai brought the conversation back to Carra's choice, the last struck a sombering chord that Carra wasn't sure how to answer, so she answered as honestly as she possibly could. "That, I do not know. Amairwyn Sedai. I do not know at all."

An Ending

Amairwyn smiled, pleased the novice took the books. Even if she wasn't interested in the Age of Legends that much, she hoped she would at least glance through them.

Carra's response however, sobered her quickly. It was hardly the answer she'd wanted to hear, but at least she was being honest. Light, I hope she finds an Ajah. Amairwyn had taken a liking to this girl, and didn't want to see her pushed toward where the Tower thought she'd fit, not where she thought she'd fit.

She stood up. "Think over everything we have discussed, Carra. Perhaps you will find an answer if you do. But if not, you can always come speak with me again." She smiled slightly. "But for now, I'm afraid I need to end this conversation. I have other meetings to get to, and I'm sure you have things to do as well."