Fanfic:A Visit with the Mistress of Novices

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A Visit with the Mistress of Novices
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Avyra hesitated at the door. She glanced again at the name engraved in the burnished metal. Almost, she turned away. But finally she tapped softly on the door.

A voice called from within. "Come in."

Avyra pushed open the door.

"Good morning, Mirin Sedai," she said. Her voice was abnormally subdued. She moved lethargically, and her eyes darted about the sister’s office nervously. Mirin set down her pen and stared at her with an odd expression.

"Avyra? How can I help you?"

"I just wanted to talk." Avyra stared down at her hands. She didn’t want to interrupt the Blue sister’s work, which she felt like she's doing. "I can come back later if this is inconvenient."

"Oh! Of course, child. Please, have a seat. Are you well?"

Mirin stood from her chair and moved around her desk. She sat in the chair next to the novice. Avyra swallowed.

"...Maybe?" She sank down in her chair. "I don't know anymore." She glanced

Mirin remained silent. Avyra thought she would have had a reply, but it became really awkward when she didn't. She continued. "I just... I don't feel right here."

Mirin nodded slowly. "Tell me more," she said. "Do you miss home?"

"Of course I do. But I don't think it’s that."

Mirin’s voice was soft and gentle. "What's wrong, child?"

Avyra avoided the sister’s gaze. "I think I made a mistake coming here. I don't think I'll ever make a good Aes Sedai."

The corner of Mirin’s lip twitched, although whether upward or downward it was hard to tell. "Why do you think that?" she asked.

"I'm not like any of the Aes Sedai here, Mirin Sedai. I'm not... I'm not regal. Or tall, or beautiful. I'm just very... insecure."

Mirin smiled.

"Who told you that an Aes Sedai needs to be regal, tall, and beautiful?" She leaned forward and gently touched Avyra's hands. "Listen Avyra. To be an Aes Sedai is as true as its literal meaning - to be a Servant of All. There is no need to be regal, tall, or beautiful to serve. Although -" she brushed Avyra's forehead and tucked a strand of loose hair behind Avyra's ear, "- I know that it does not seem so now, but one day you will be as regal and beautiful as any sister."

Then she laughed. "I can't say the same for height, but I understand how you feel. We Cairhienins are simply not meant to be very tall."

Avyra shook her head. "No. Unless the One Power Heals looks, I doubt anyone will ever believe I'm a Sister. Most just think I'm ten years old. I'm just... not even averagely pretty. And I'll never appear regal. Not without... some form of... I don't know. I'll never look an Aes Sedai, Mirin Sedai. There's no reason for me to continue if... if that'll never happen."

"Oh?" Mirin's eyebrows shot up. "Are you saying that you think I'm... lying?"

Avyra opened her mouth, then closed it. Of course she'd- "Well, what is true for you might not be true for me. If you don't know something, and tell a lie about it, then you don't know you're lying. In your mind, you're telling the truth, if you don't mind me saying, Mirin Sedai."

"The fact that I can say it means that I believe it is true. And that means your belief is simply that - a belief. Beliefs have power, Avyra. Tell me, why do you think you feel insecure?"

"I just... I would be repeating myself, Mirin Sedai. I don't even look like a woman, much less an Aes Sedai. Everyone who I come by thinks I'm still under ten years old because of my size. I really didn't think about this at first, but I realize it now. I got into trouble to prove... to prove I wasn't just an innocent little girl."

"Let me clarify," said Mirin. "It seems that you are insecure about a few things. Your looks. Your youth. Your height. But those things... are not why you are insecure, Avyra. Even if you were beautiful, tall, and had impeccable bearing, there would be insecurities elsewhere. Intelligence, maybe, or perhaps a fear of being valued only for your looks. But I digress."

Her eyes were sympathetic as she regarded the novice. "Thoughts usually arise from emotions, rather than the other way around. It is your feelings of insecurity that lead you to these thoughts, and I was wondering why you had those emotions. I thought that perhaps someone had mocked you.

"Please correct me if I'm wrong - I think I'm beginning to understand. You are afraid that you will never look an Aes Sedai because at heart, you view yourself as an innocent little girl. This fear has driven you to prove, not to others, but to yourself that you are not.

"So. How do you think I can help you?" asked Mirin.

Avyra couldn’t bring herself to look at the Aes Sedai. Mirin had been... shockingly correct. "I... I thought you could offer some advice. Or something. I'm not too sure what I expected, Mirin Sedai. I only want advice. What should I do? What would you do? You're older, wiser."

"Older, certainly. I'm not sure about wiser," said Mirin. Her voice held a note of amusement. "And what you could do, Avyra, is learn to love yourself for who you are. Hm, why don't you tell me about something you love? An object, perhaps, or a friend?"

"Well, I've made great friends with my roommate, Seonin. She's so kind. I can't help but not love her. And I'm friends with one of the Dri- oh, Ji’alantin, now. His name is Danos. I offered to teach him some flute when he heard me practicing, and in return he offered to teach me some unarmed combat. He is very kind to me. And then there’s Muireen. She is a Drin. She is very much like myself, and we get along just fine."

She really couldn't describe her friends in words.

"As for objects...ha!" Avyra laughed. "Just ask Seonin. My flute might as well be a child."

Mirin spread her hands before her. "Your friends have their flaws, and your flute must have its fair share of scratches. But you love them, not because they are beautiful or intelligent or kind - but because they are who they are. My advice would be to love yourself as you love your friends, and your flute. Think on it, Avyra. Does that help?"

Avyra had never thought of it that way. She had never decided why she loved her friends. All she knew is that she loved them. She never saw their flaws, until Mirin had pointed it out. That must be how they saw her - as a friend, without flaws. Or rather, they never noticed her flaws. And truly, weren't their opinions what mattered, in the long run?

She finally looked back to Mirin. "I think... I think I get it."

Mirin smiled at the novice. "Every time you feel like you won't make a good Aes Sedai, I would like you to reflect on our conversation. Will you do that? Good. I'm so glad you came to talk with me today. I'm always here if you need to talk. I can't promise that I'll always have answers... but I'll try to help however I can."

Avyra returned the smile. "Thank you, Mirin Sedai. I will, if I have any trouble."